As part of my quest to brainwash my kid into thinking that she might actually like snow after all, I have taken on the mission of trying to find her suitable snow gear. You know--snow pants, a new coat, gloves, hat, and boots. Peoples, I am in the wrong industry. I most certainly should be selling kids snow gear because DUDE the stuff is expensive. I'm having trouble with this whole thing because A) I am cheap and B) The closest the child has come to walking through snow was last week when she stood shrieking at the back of the garage, pleading with me to let her back in the house (despite the fact that the snow was still 20 feet from her being). I turn very cheap when I suspect that my expenditures will not be appreciated, or for that matter, used. But I can't very well expect the kid to go trouncing through the snow wearing her hooker boots (just to be clear, it wasn't I who deemed them her "hooker boots" and I'm struggling to see how they qualify as stripper boots, what with the cute little bows on them and everything).

So, last Saturday we found ourselves at a mall far, far from our house. Said mall was chosen because we like to mock all the Pittsburghers that never cross a river by purchasing things that they can NEVER have because they won't travel that far, and then flaunting those purchases in their faces. And hey! There is an H&M for kids there! Perfect! Besides, there was one day last week when I was almost able to actually close Alexis' closet door all the way, so obviously she needs some new clothes. H&M clothes are mega-cute (and not available online, which is just wrong!). H&M did nothing to assist me in my quest for boots, snow pants, a coat, gloves, a hat, or anything else quite that useful, but after scoring on some tops and pants there, it did whisper to me to try Payless Shoes for the boots.

In we went, Mr. Husband, Alexis, and myself, in search of some cheap-but-halfway-decent-looking boots. As Daddy and I were evaluating the vast selection (OK, there were two pair to choose from), Alexis sat down on the floor to play with the 12,000 pair of shoes that were not boots. One pair of the boots that we were studying closely were $23, the other $25. I remarked to Daddy that they were some pretty ugly shoes for that kind of money. That led to a deep conversation about how I could spend $5 more and get CUTE boots that she would never actually wear, rather than wasting money on boots that she wouldn't wear AND that would further uglify my front hallway. At that point, nobody was actually watching the Toddler on the floor. I mean, I was using the eyes that I had installed in the back of my head shortly after her birth to keep tabs on her, but I wasn't actually WATCHING her.

Not that it would have mattered.

That is when she discovered the fugliest shoes of all time, the pink lamé Dora strappy sandals. She shoved her little tootsies into those things so fast Dora is currently seeking counseling for her post-traumatic stress syndrome. The look on Alexis' face told the story at that point; she thought she had discovered the most wonderful shoes of all time. As she slowly stood, she stared at her feet and gleefully exclaimed, "PRETTY SHOES!" for all the world to hear. Clearly, this was the highlight of her short life.

As any parent knows, we had two choices at this point. Pry the ugly off of her feet and listen to her scream in horror for the next half hour, or just buy the dang shoes. They were on clearance (gee, I wonder why?) for a whopping $4.00, so you can probably figure out which path we travelled.

Mr. Husband and I then spent the rest of our time in the mall arguing over whose kid she was.

"She's not mine."

"Well, she's not mine either."

"She looks more like you than she does me."

"No child of mine would wear shoes that ugly."

All the while, Alexis lagged ten feet behind us because neither one of us was willing to actually walk beside her and acknowledge that we knew her. Well, that and the fact that she couldn't walk very fast, what with all the mandatory stopping to stare at her shoes and everything.

Fortunately, I found the perfect spot to hide her while we were in Macy's.