Hi Alexis,

I'm really, really sorry. I know it was a bad idea. I tried to say something. Lots of people in Pittsburgh did. We all know that one of the greatest things about the Steelers is that they don't need cheerleaders and they don't need some stupid mascot. But, well, Art Rooney is getting up there in the years. Some of the people around him didn't think he'd be able to adjust to not having Cowher on the sidelines. So they concocted this look-alike to stand around and look scary. I know, I know, they should have just had a had a Fathead made in Cowher's likeness. I know.

I would like to be able to explain to you why they named him Steely McBeam, but really, I can't. Look on the bright side. Now we can say fun things like "We ought to McBeam the genius that thought of that" every time we see him. It'll be fun! And just wait, I'm sure a Browns fan will take pity on us and lend us a baseball bat or steamroller. It will be a moment of solidarity as Browns fans and Steelers fans unite to beat the crap out of the thing. Yes, I know that the guy wearing the costume probably isn't the one that came up with the idea in the first place. But he does deserve some pain for willingly wearing the thing. You see, I'm pretty sure the Steelers aren't paying him $1 million to wear it. If he's wearing it for anything less than that, then he is as big a fool as the genius who thought of it in the first place.

Alexis, you're still young. With any luck, Steely McBeam will be dead long before you're old enough to have his image seared into your brain. We will all just pretend he's not part of Steelers history. Steely who? See, it will work out just fine.

Love,
Mom