A few weeks ago, I received a catalog in the mail. That catalog has provided me with HOURS of entertainment, so I thought I would share a few of my favorite products. (All images totally stolen from http://www.onestepahead.com.)

First of all, I have always dreamt of having a urinal in my kitchen. Dreams DO come true, just look!

Speaking of dreams, I know that when I wake up in the middle of the night and have the need to go, I would positively love encountering this thing:

There's nothing like trying to pry open the toilet at 3:00am to put you in a great mood. Although, having to figure out how the heck to get some toilet paper might make things all better:

It's OK if you have an accident while you're trying to wake up enough to overcome your Toddler-proofing because you can just buy these:

Just hook those microscopic wipes up to your waistband and you'll be all prepared. To clean up one or two drops.

The Toddler thinks it's time to potty train and I positively can't wait until she starts asking to go thirty seconds after we take off in the car. I will be prepared, however, because I'll have this:

Check that sucker out when it's all folded up:

I'm totally making Alexis carry her own toilet around with her everywhere. The thing costs $25 and requires special refill things, but don't worry, there are options for those of you that are too cheap for such things:

Why, yes, that is an inflatable toilet. Your Toddler will positively glow with appreciation while he or she waits for you to blow it up, slap the maxi pad looking absorber in a bag, and attach the plastic bag that catches the good stuff. You'll glow with appreciation on the second use when you finally get a chance to put your lips right where you Toddler last dropped a deuce, just like you've always wanted to. Both of you will appreciate that at least that photo isn't of you. Well, except maybe this kid. He's going to wish he had modeled the blow-up version of the portable potty:

Now THAT'S a photo to be saved for later girlfriends.

If you don't need a portable potty for on the go, but rather one for your living room, may I suggest this model?

While the toilet paper stash is genius, I'm digging the "boy blocker" myself.

Speaking of "boy blockers", I nearly wet myself when I saw this:

The product description is AWESOME: "Another diaper change, another shower? You need a Wee Block! Just cover baby before diapering, and let the soft, absorbent dome catch your little guy's geysers. 100% cotton, machine wash. (Buy two, so you're never caught without.). Imported. Colors may vary. Due to health reasons, we are unable to accept returns on any opened packages."

Since I don't have a boy, I have to say I've never had the joy of a yellow shower. But I'm thinking a wash cloth might just serve the same purpose and I know exactly how I would clean that up in case of actual usage. Oh, and that whole "no returns" thing? That's new. I know for a fact that line was recently added to the description. You just know that means somebody returned a used Wee Block.

Here's another product description that made me snark: "Learning to crawl? Starting to walk? When baby is accident prone, the Bumper Bonnet prevents bumps, bruises, and tears. The soft, thickly-padded head covering acts as a protective cushion, shielding that delicate little head. Lightweight, with an adjustable chinstrap. Machine wash. One size fits babies 6-36 months. Imported. Colors may vary."

I'm trying to think . . . have I ever met a baby that ISN'T accident prone? Hmmm . . . well then, helmets for all!

Speaking of preventing accidents, this thing could be handy:

EXCEPT, it's inflatable. So it's basically a balloon. Yeah, that's going to keep Alexis in her bed. She won't roll into it and knock it down at all.

While we are Alexis-proofing the house, perhaps we should consider this TV Protector. It mounts over all the fun buttons so that Toddler hands stay out:

However, upon closer inspection, maybe it's not such a good idea:

Yeah, it attaches with Velcro. Never before has a child pulled apart a couple of pieces of Velcro, but I'm pretty sure Alexis would figure out a way. Then she would use the TV Protector as some sort of dangerous weapon. I can absolutely see her chasing the Bulldog around, waving it like a sword.

While she's chasing Meg, I think Alexis should wear these:

You know, so she can stop and install some tile while she's in the kitchen. I only wish I would have worn knee pads when I was installing tile.

I also wish I would have had this as a kid:

It absolutely must be a form of child abuse that I didn't have a tray and footrest for my carseat when I was a kid. Somebody call Child and Youth Services.

While you're at it, report anybody that has this:

Here's the product description: "Lull baby back to sleep on her own, with our voice-activated crib light! It not only turns on when baby cries, but plays authentic womb sounds that soothe baby back to sleep . . ." I can tell you why that baby is crying, because the stupid light won't quit turning on. It's like the Clapper, but for a crib.

Also in the category of inventions that seem like a good idea gone bad is this pacifier that checks your baby's temperature:

Here's the best part of the description: "Soothing to a fussy baby, it can monitor your child's temperature every five minutes for up to 25 minutes. Plays a gentle lullaby when fever exceeds 99.5 degrees." Yep, nothing says soothing like, "HOLY CRAP! There's music coming out of my mouth! Oh, it stopped. Wait, it's back! WHY IS THERE MUSIC COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH?"

Another maybe it's OK product:

It's touted as a portable diaper changing station for use when a clean changing table just isn't available. You know what? Anytime I'm in a Denny's and I'm all sorts of mad that there's nowhere to change the Toddler, I so badly wish I had a contraption that would allow ME to sit on the pristine bathroom floor and change her.

This $80 contraption is intriguing:

I'm pretty sure it's the most effective thumb-sucking deterrent available. After all, who can suck their thumb when they are busy staring at it wondering, "What the hell is that?"

Another WTH moment is the "Nursing Stool":

Yeah, um, I don't have any idea what it's use might be. I do know that every time I look at it, I think of a farmer sitting on a stool milking a cow.

Lastly, I have found the perfect gift for Father's everywhere:

People, that is not just a jacket. Let's allow One Step Ahead to explain: "Dads love carrying their babies around, but diaper bags? Not so much! That's why two can-do fathers invented this amazing "wearable diaper bag." It's comfortable, stylish, and remarkably sleek, thanks to nine ingeniously-placed pockets. No one will know dad's carrying diapers, wipes, and even two bottles! Another secret: it includes a slim profile changing pad, hidden in a back panel. Dad invented, of course."

I need to meet the Dads that invented this so that I can drop-kick them each in the man parts and tell him to grow up and carry the freakin' diaper bag already. 'Nuff said.

There are TONS more fun products in the catalog, but I'm out of time. Let me just leave you with this one little birthday idea:

That, my friends, is the most useful thing in the whole catalog and I COVET IT! My forearms look like I was a victim of some sort of horrible torture since I am constantly burn them on the racks in the stove. I'm totally serious when I say you can send those suckers to me for my birthday in two weeks.