As residents of Pittsburgh, we are required by law to venture to our local dive restaurant, Primanti Brothers, for a meal at least four times per year. I'm pretty sure that failure to do so will result in us losing our Cool Burgher licenses. So tonight we fulfilled our civic duty and went to indulge in sandwiches piled high with fresh-cut french fries, eggs, cheese, tomatoes, and coleslaw. (For you non Burgh-type people, yes, you read that right. A sandwich can hold all that stuff in between its two slices of bread and you can even throw some meat in there, if that sort of thing makes you happy. While your arteries may want to explode just looking at it, you belly will be screaming at you to eat! faster! already!)

For whatever reason, the Toddler was being extra-cute as she went against the laws of Pittsburgh and dissected her sandwich (Fellow Cool Burghers, do not fear for she was also eating Pierogies. I think that means she gets to stay in the Cool Club, in spite of her obvious faux paus.). I carry my handy dandy little camera in my purse, so I whipped it out and took a couple of shots. Behold the cuteness:

As I was taking the photos, it occurred to me that something was amiss. I have tons of cute pictures of the Toddler eating, but every single one of them is more deceptive than a campaigning politician. All of my photos of the Toddler eating show her sitting down and actually placing food in her mouth. Uh, that happens approximately 2% of the time. Here's what really happens at mealtime:

Way back in September when Alexis kicked her high chair to the curb, I didn't realize that she was also kicking my happy little rule where we all sat at the table while we ate to the curb as well. Mr. Husband and I ate sitting on the couch for years, but when Alexis started to eat real food, I decided I wanted us all to eat at the dining room table, together, and with the TV off. It took me a few days to clear all the crap off of the table we had never actually used for eating a meal, but it was worth it. We acted like a family. I know! Amazing!

My happy little world was shattered when the confining beauty of the high chair became more of a battle than it was worth. It didn't take long before Alexis decided she didn't want to eat at the big person table at all, she preferred her little craft table. I let it go since she was at least sitting nicely somewhere. But that didn't last long. Before I even realized what was happening, she turned into a roaming eater. I don't think she is capable of chewing food unless her feet are moving. Really, it's like she's a goat or something. She pauses long enough to shove some food in mouth then goes back to grazing around the house.

The only time I see her consume what I consider to be a reasonable quantity of food is right after she gets home from school. Every day, she inhales a bowl of raspberries or blueberries. She is always running to and fro, all over the house, dragging out every toy she can find whilst balancing her little bowl in one hand and sucking the berries down faster than a Dyson. I usually follow her around to make sure she doesn't drop one of those $15 berries on the floor (Have you seen the price of raspberries lately? And why can't the kid eat cookies like everybody else?). I don't know how one manages to inhale berries while playing, I just know that she does.

At dinner, she rarely manages to swallow more than a bite or two of my gourmet cooking, and her little feet are in motion the entire time. If she's not walking back and forth between rooms and adults, she's dancing while balancing a macaroni noodle on her spoon. I honestly don't know the last time her bum actually sat in her chair. As for meals out, she usually manages to sit like a normal human being for 7.6 minutes. If food arrives in that time frame, she will sit and eat it nicely, sometimes even giving the mistaken impression that she is perhaps a bit lady-like. But once the timer in her head goes off, she's up and doing her best to roam like a B-52. (Do you have the song stuck in your head now? I do. Rooooam if you want to. Rooooam around the world . . .)

I know I should be glad that at least she's not playing Duck Duck Goose, but would it kill the kid to sit down and eat once in a while?

(I just know Miss Michelle from daycare is currently thinking that Alexis always sits and eats nicely at school. I am convinced that y'all drug or beat the kids in order to get them to do it. It's not normal for 20+ kids to sit in a chair at the exact same time. I refuse to believe othewise.)