Silly Billy Burgh Answers All Questions
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
burghbaby in Random

It is time, peeps, to get answers to all of your burning questions. I have tracked Google searches that land on burghbaby.com and found that there is much the world would like to know. Allow me to assist in any way that I can:

Toddler takes off clothes and pees in bed -- I'm sorry, really. I just have no idea why you are here, because my Toddler would never do such a thing. *Knocks frantically on wood.*

Baby recipe evening -- You should only eat babies in the wee hours of the morning. It's a fact.

Motown pizza -- The Burgh has spoken and said that Motown pizza put the "uck" in suck. Buh-bye, so long, see ya', it is closed. If you are looking to rent that space, I suggest you open up a Jumba Juice, Baskin Robbins, Dunkin' Donuts, or Donato's. I'll give you a big wet kiss on the lips if you make it a Jumba Juice.

How to stop Toddler from running away -- I cannot help you with that one. But if you figure it out, could you come back and share some of your newfound genius?

Naked toddlers -- If there is anything that I have learned from this blog, it is that a whole lot of people are hunkered down using Google to hunt for photos of naked toddlers. Now, this I can help with. Here are your instructions, should you desire naked boy toddler photos, naked toddler photos, nude toddlers, etc.:
1. Pick up the phone.
2. Dial 9.
3. Dial 1.
4. Dial 1.
5. Wait for a friendly voice to greet. Now say the following words: "I am a sick SOB and need help. Please send the police immediately to arrest me for child pornography."
6. Help should arrive shortly. In the meantime, click the little "X" in the corner of your browser window.
No need to thank me, just don't ever come back here.

Prewash baby clothes -- For the last time, NO!

Crazy running lady Pittsburgh -- Would you believe I know EXACTLY who they are talking about? And that I get that search at least once per week? OK, then, would you believe that she has her own MySpace page, complete with photos? And no, I am not her. You won't ever see my nose running, let alone my whole body.

Hemangioma -- It probably hasn't escaped anyone's attention that Alexis has a smallish Hemangioma on her forehead. It's nearly gone these days. We did nothing to assist in its disappearance except to be patient and leave it the heck alone. This one deserves a post unto itself, so I'll leave it at that.

My mom put me in diapers for a car trip at age 9 for wetting my pants -- Well. Now. Ahem. Your Mom? She is a bit twisted. And you? Probably should be talking to a therapist rather than Google.

Will cockroaches crawl up your nose or in your ears -- Good luck with that. I'm thinking I'm better off not knowing why you want to know that.

Do all Bulldogs stink -- Yes. Every single one of them.

Mommy blowing Santa under the Christmas tree -- Ahh, my personal favorite. I don't really know what you are looking to find. Photos? A story? I got nothing. No really, I got nothing. Thanks for the laugh, and buh-bye.

Birth control Alexis -- Trust me people. You WANT one of these:

And with that, I am stealing an idea from Hope. Why ask Google when you could ask me? Here's your chance, ask me a question. Any question. I will answer each and every one this weekend.

Article originally appeared on burgh baby (http://www.theburghbaby.com/).
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