Dear Alexis,

There's something that I haven't told you because I don't think it's my place to discourage you from doing something you love, even if you are pretty bad at it. So earlier today when you screamed, "NO, STOP! NO! NO! NO!" at me when I started singing along with your beloved Signing Time music, I was not amused. You, my dear, suck at singing just as much as I do. Obviously, though, I am much nicer than you. Meanie face.

Love,
You're Out of Tune but Totally in Touch Mom

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Dear Jasmine,

Why? Really, why? You used to be the "Good Dog." I could leave a plate of food on the floor and you wouldn't touch it because you were so well trained and knew what you were and were not allowed to do. So why the gummy bear are you now getting into the trash every day? Those cans have been accessible for your entire life. Why all of a sudden do you need to knock them over and inspect the contents every day? KNOCK IT OFF.

Love,
The Woman Who is Going to Beat Your Ass if You Don't Quit

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Dear Meg,

It's not YOUR couch. Quit acting like it is.

Love,
The Woman Who WILL Sit on the Couch Without a Dog Growling at Her