Tested and Failed (Again and Again and Again)
Earlier today, I was paging through the Infant Owner's Manual (What? You didn't get one? Clearly, you didn't tip the nurses in the delivery room well enough.), marveling at the number of things nobody ever told me. For example, everybody talks about the whole no sleep with a newborn thing, but HELLO! that is not the worst of it! Newborns and their inability to sleep several consecutive hours is logical, predictable, and I think, tolerable. It's when the one-year old randomly wakes up at 3:30 in the morning and won't go back to sleep that kills you. (Right, Jayesel?) Seriously. With a newborn, there are no expectations. Nobody expects you to cook, clean, look human. By the time they hit that first birthday, though, you're supposed to have your act together. The expiration date on whining is long past due and you're left stumbling through your days in a sleep-deprived fog. Fast forward to two, and it's a whole other level of cruelty that goes on with sleep deprivation.
(Alexis--Feel free to accept that as a challenge and stay in your own darn bed all night tonight just to spite me.)
Another thing missing from that Owner's Manual is instructional guidance on how to survive the daily tests kids put you through. Sure, the tests change from day-to-day, but why didn't anyone warn me that the rules to the tests change from minute-to-minute? I've lost like eight consecutive games of LELLO CAR! because I didn't know cars on TV were eligible, or that you can call the same car several times in the span of five minutes. So.not.fair.
I failed yet another test last night. Alexis and I were taking a walk through the neighborhood. As per her usual routine, Alexis was pointing out everything she saw and telling me what it was. And, as per usual, she decided it was time to test me by seeing if I knew what various things were.
"What's dat?"
"A tree," I replied.
"What's dat?"
"That's a house," I told her.
"What's dat sound?"
"That's the birds chirping," I reported.
"No, it's elephant," Alexis corrected with an incredulous look of disdain that I could be so stupid as to get that question wrong.
How am I ever going to pass all these tests if I don't even know the difference between a bird and an elephant?
Monday, May 19, 2008
Reader Comments (52)
How cute! I love the walking game you played. I'm sorry that you failed the last test though. Next time you might try making up something absolutely riduclous and see if she buys it!
"By the time they hit that first birthday, though, you're supposed to have your act together."
I'm sorry . . .what????