I've Been Shopping at One Step Ahead Again
There is sort of an unwritten hierarchy of assumed parental intelligence:
No Kids = Don't even open your mouth if you are about to spew any words related to kids or parenting. You are a parenting moron. Shooooosh!
One Kid Parent = You have no idea what you are doing and everybody knows it. Feel free to have an opinion, though, because everybody with more kids than you likes laughing at your stupidity.
Two Kid Parent = You've got a clue. No one will doubt you just so long as you manage to take a shower at least once per week. You doubt yourself on occasion, but mostly you think you've got it together.
Three Kid Parent = You're pretty darn good at that parenting thing. Parents with fewer kids marvel at your ability to do simple things like managing to brush your teeth more than once per month. You're pretty darn impressed with yourself, too.
Four Kid Parent = You're beginning to think you're a parenting idiot, but others perceive you as very wise.
Five Kid Parent = A precarious number. If you give the impression that you still have some control, despite being vastly outnumbered, people will still think you are very wise. You know for a fact those who think you are wise are very much so wrong. That knowledge is exactly why you truly are wise. If you come across like your kids are the ones running the show, you are demoted to Two Kid level. You've got a clue, obviously, since everybody is still alive, but there is some doubt as to whether you get the parenting thing all that well.
Six kids or more = Your status is reduced to less than that of a One Kid Parent. If you don't believe me, ponder your thoughts on the Duggar clan. You know you think anybody that has 17 kids is more than a few French fries short of a Happy Meal. You are right.
Despite my status as a member of the lowly One Kid Parent Club, I do know one thing: Kids make messes. I know! Isn't it amazing how I figured that out so soon? See, I'm totally feeling superior for this knowledge because it turns out that not everyone knows it. Allow me to prove me point, please and thank you.
This little invention might just do a good job of keeping little hands from getting sticky while eating popsicles, but isn't that sort of the point of popsicles? And I hate to break it to all the One Kidders that haven't figured it out yet, but that kind of thing may slow the mess parade, but it will not stop it. Wait until the popsicle melts completely then the kid tips all the juice all over your nice white carpet. Oh yes, it will happen.
If it really bothers you that your kid sometimes misses his or her mouth or scoops some peas and carrots onto the table, you might want to consider therapy. Spending $7 on a bowl that might slow food spillage makes you certifiably insane.
Let's see, I could strip my kid down to the diaper and throw her in the bath after she pours spaghetti all over herself, or I could spend $13 on something that I can just throw in the washer. Sounds good, except for the fact that the hands and head are still exposed. And you know what? Whatever square inch is left exposed? That is where the kid will slop the mess.
Apparently it is impossible to spill the contents of this bowl. You can flip it, spin it, throw it, do whatever, it won't spill.
The catch? It's only for use with dry foods. You know, Cheerios and little crackers and the like. You know, the stuff that is super easy to clean up anyway. Whatever.
This thing is an accident waiting to happen:
That spoon has a chamber that will hold the entire contents of one jar of baby food. All you have to do is squeeze it a little bit and the spoon fills with one little bite of food. The problem? Babies have hands. I know this is shocking. Babies like to use those hands. In fact, most of them like to use those hands to swat at anything within ten feet of their little bodies. I'm sure there will be no mess whatsoever when the kid sends the thing flying across the room.
You know what's worse than a kid that insists on throwing their spoon across the room? Giving that same kid a weapon of mass destruction.
You just know that spoon can be used to catapult food thirty plus feet. I kind of want it for myself.
At first, I was thinking this next thing seemed kind of useful. We are in the midst of the torture that is potty training and it sure would be nice to not have to tear apart the car seat when there's an accident in the car.
However, the product reviews made me expand my thinking real quick. I think we should have bought one a long time ago because of this little line, "I am purchasing two for my stepson and his wife to use in a cross-country trip with their 16-month old." How awesome would that be--drive cross-country and never once stop to change a diaper. The PiddlePad will take care of everything!
Give a baby a pacifier and he or she will spit it out. On occasion, the pacifier might just land on the floor. Some parents would find a sink or water fountain and rinse it off. Others would stick it in their own mouth to clean it off before giving it back to the baby. Those like me would figure the kid was the one that spit it onto the floor, the kid can be the one to savor the taste of cat hair and month-old dog poop that collected on the pacifier tip. Or, you can be all nutso and spend a bunch of money on a little contraption specially designed to clean up paci messes.
This one is simply a case of a marketing executive not thinking clearly. A big old mat would be useful for a carpeted floor, but tile? Really? How is putting a big sheet of plastic down on a tile floor saving me any work?
For the low, low price of $12, you can buy a package of three glorified tablecloths that will keep your kid from coloring on your table.
Or you could just grab some newspaper out of the recycling bin.
While you're simplifying things, save yourself $6 and grab a knife out of the drawer, mmkay?
I know changing wet sheets in the middle of the night is the second suckiest thing you can do (changing vomit-covered sheets wins the crown), but I hope that anyone who resorts to putting an $80 electrical device down their kids underwear has exhausted all other options first.
Personally, I'd rather change the sheets. Like I said, kids make messes.
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Reader Comments (62)
I think you've pretty much nailed it. ALL. And I imagine most people with children already aren't the ones buying this stuff. It's pregnant first timers registering for it for their baby shower. Stuff they'll never use.
I love the Duggars! I think they are amazing! All of their kids are so freaking sweet and well mannered. It is bizarre. How the hell do they do that? I think they definitely know more than I do. I couldn't have 18 kids, but God bless them. It must be their calling or something. I don't know.
I'm excited for summer so that the kids can all eat outside. That way I can just hose them off after they drop jelly/milk/watermelon/etc. all over themselves. ;)
LOVE your blog. And your descriptions of all the different gadgets was priceless.
I just love it when you do the baby product reviews. Gives me great ideas for gifts for my nieces. Heh. And that mat on tile - isn't that what Meg is for?
i especially love the paci cleaner. what is up with that one? i bet people buy them. suckers!
Some of those are quite interesting.
Others, not so much. I like that thing with the popsickle in it, and the bowl with the peas. That think where they mess the bed, that's plain wacked.. i'd be afraid that it would electrocute them or something. What will they come out with next?
Best. Post. Ever.
Seriously, this killed me. With kid #1, I'll admit to buying a few contraptions thinking it would make things easier for me. With kid #2, no contraption purchases were made. I even threw out the ridiculous plastic floor mat - it's much harder to clean than the hardwood floor underneath it. Duh, me.
Oh, and anything with suction cups spells utter disaster. It doesn't take long for the kiddo to figure out how to pry them off the surface. I prefer to just put the food directly onto the high chair.
I think you've missed your calling as a catalogue writer, lol.
Laughing my butt off over here! Too funny! I kind of want those spoons on springs for me and hubby...I envision contests to see who can fling food the furthest.
And that is why you get a dog! I never clean up after meals.
Your hierarchy of assumed parental intelligence is hilarious!!
I never even knew that any of these things existed, thank you for enlightening me :) Does being a nanny of three kids qualify you for anything?
Your comments on each of the silly products is hilarious. I think though that maybe the electrical bed wetting tool (not really sure what to call it) might need an explanation. I think someone mentioned something about it but as someone who has actually seen it used, I might be able to offer some insight?!?!? Anyways, it doesn't shock the kid, it just makes this rather loud and truly obnoxious sound the second any sort of moisture hits the underwear. The kid has the opportunity to wake up before their whole bed is covered in pee, yay! The device is meant to help kids who are having serious problems with bed wetting. These are kids who have no problem learning how to use the potty, in fact, they are generally quite good at it, however, due to most likely a hereditary issue (often runs in families) the kid does not wake up in the middle of the night if they need to pee. The 'signal' isn't sent to the brain and thus an accident occurs. It can be so humiliating for the child that they don't participate in sleepovers (not even ones at their own house) and can carry on well into middle school (generally accidents occur less and less). In fact, many males (for some reason it's just the males though, not the females from what I've been told, weird) who have bed wetting problems as children (we're talking 5-12 years of age, not when they're first learning) will have accidents on rare occasions as adults! Poor them! The device is just meant to help their body figure out what needs to happen, maybe the signal is too faint and the brain isn't quite understanding what that signal means. Hard to say. Regardless, it's actually a fantastic device when used for the right situations (1 in 10 children are bed-wetters). Anyways, now that I'm done explaining something from a post that is now a few weeks old, I have to say, You are freaking hilarious!!! All your posts are. Not just this one:)
Just stumbled across your blog today and read your comment about the carseat pad and potty training....
Check out this website:
www.nomiebaby.com
Might be something actually practical that you're looking for!! :)