Hello?

*Looks around furtively*

I think we're alone. Can I come in? I'm Janet -- from The Planet of Janet. The Burgh Baby family has in-laws visiting, and so I volunteered to housesit today.

I'm feeling a little funny about visiting the House of Toddler -- it has been so long since I had to deal with 2-year-olds that I can hardly remember.

Well, that's not entirely true. I remember quite a bit. That's because I have a 14-year-old daughter, and they aren't kidding when they say that terrible 2s are just like teenagers (only smaller in stature).

Their highs are the highest and their lows are the lowest. And the only thing you can do is hang on for the ride.

So from my elevated position as the queen of raising both 2s and teens and having survived the teen years of four of the five interplanetary children, I can offer the following tips for the Burgh Baby Mom and her Burgh Toddler:

MOM ...

* Learn how to do hair: Omigod, hair can be the bane of your existence. Yes, the Burgh babe's hair is a little wispy now, but one day it will be a full head of flowing, tangled, knotted protein. And someone (we won't mention any names *coughcoughAlexiscoughcough*) will want it styled in a princess half-pony french braid twist. And you'd better know how to do it, or there'll be HOLY HECK to pay!!!!

* Teach her the ways of the clearance table: Be not swayed by the puppy-dog eyes when all her friends are doing it FULL PRICE. There are bargains to be had, and she can find them in the back of the froofy store. Then she, too, can have a moose (or a squirrel) on the butt pocket of her short-shorts. Start this practice earlier, rather than later.

* Don't let your babies grow up to be cheerleaders: I know that the Burgh Baby Mom is against the whole concept of cheerleading, and, although my daughter has found pleasure, friends and a whole new world in the cheer realm, I will give her the benefit of the doubt on this one. However, DO find something that rocks her world and keeps her mind and body B-I-Z-Z-Y. There is nothing nicer than watching your daughter have to turn down dates (WITH BOYS! ZOMG!) because, ahem, she has practice.

TODDLER ...

* Go to sleep already: Don't you know that when you're a teenager, you will WANT to sleep? And you won't want to sleep with your parents? So fake 'em out. Get started early on this one!

* Never stop talking: Well, ok, stop talking SOMETIMES. You don't want people to feel like stuffing a sock in your face! But never stop talking to your mom and dad. They will want to know what's up with you, and if you shut them out, they COULD resort to more devious methods to find out. If you don't want them reading your Facebook status or your angsty poety, then throw them a bone every now and then.

* And for gawd's sake, learn to spell: I'm assuming that you will grow up with cell phones and texting and instant messaging. It's not "skool," it's "school." It's not "culdnt," it's "couldn't." And Alexis, PLEASE. It's not "bi," it's "bye." It's one more keystroke! And it saves us old folks from having a stroke ourselves over the demise of the language.

And lastly, remember my mantra. It works for both mother and child:
"This too shall pass. This too shall pass. This too shall pass ..."