Once upon a time, there lived a woman with wild hair. Her name was Pocahontas.

One rainy Christmas day, she met Captain John Smith. Upon seeing his super sexy boots, she instantly fell in love.

Captain John Smith loved her right back. I think it might have been because she has cute feet.

All was perfect between Pocahontas and Captain John Smith. They played together, they laughed together, they even laid in uncomfortable positions on wood floors together.

Then one day, Mermaid Barbie came along.

Captain John Smith wasn't sure what to think of this stranger with the scaly fin. Until he saw just how bendy Mermaid Barbie was, that is.

Captain John Smith tried to ignore the hot bendy blond, but she refused to go away.

At first Captain John Smith tried to make things work with both women.

But Mermaid Barbie was having NONE of that nonsense. She gave Captain John Smith an ultimatum. And a kiss.

According to the Puppet Master in our story, Mermaid Barbie wasn't just bendy and hot, she also had a lot of money. Captain John Smith just couldn't say no to that winning combination so he kicked Pocahontas to the curb and settled in for a life with Mermaid Barbie.

But, alas, Captain John Smith was a good-for-nothing cheating scuzzbucket. He had cast Pocahontas aside for the hot bendy blond, but karma would soon come back to bite him in the plastic ass.

Captain John Smith found himself alone, with only his boots to keep him warm.

Serves him right.