I have a lot of email accounts. A RIDICULOUS number of email accounts, in fact. I just never shut them down when I get a new one, so I still have sorta-active email addresses originating all the way back to high school.

OK, so I still have some AOL email accounts. And, yes, I said "some." As in, more than one.

Take a moment and finish mocking me for that. I'll wait.

Ready?

Anyway, right around last year's election, I started to notice that some of my different AOL email addresses appeared to have started developing different "personalities." I don't know why. I don't know how. I just know that the only time I use those addresses if for online shopping and bill pay. Maybe buying stuff from a gardening place gets you on a different spam list than buying from Amazon does. Whatever.

Right before the election, it became clear that one of my AOL accounts and its near twin in screen names had somehow managed to fall on opposite sides of the political fence. One account attracted HARDCORE Republican spam, and the other equally HARDCORE Democratic spam. If the two had ever had to be in a room together, I can guarantee there would have been a brawl.

Now yet another email address has decided to develop a "personality." It was my *real* email address for a long time, but then became so overcome with spam that I started only logging into it maybe once every two weeks. I was expecting something to hit that address yesterday, so I logged in and was met with a lovely little email from AARP.

I'm 33.

AARP can kiss my too-young-and-hot-for-them-booty.

After that blatant insult, I moved on with life, and realized that the email I sought wasn't there. So, today, I logged in again, quickly scanning for The Email.

Then I saw it.

An email from Ed McMahon.

As if the image of that particular life-sized wax figure weren't enough, good ol' Ed was there to tell me how I could qualify for a free motorized scooter.

So I can regain my mobility.

I'm shutting down that email account. I can handle being called a Republican. I will deal with being called a Democrat. Just don't call me old.

33.

GAH!