While some may think that I'm shilling for Disney (yes, you-know-who-you-are, I have received your crappy emails--I can delete them just as fast as you can send them), I do have one complaint. (Well, OK, two complaints. First, where's my free four-day park hopper pass? Wasn't that part of the deal? Errr . . . never mind.) My only complaint is that Disney? NEEDS TO GET SOME DAMN COFFEE.

OK, not coffee per se. Rather, those foofy caffeinated drinks that contain 90% milk, 8% sugary goodness, and 2% coffee. Those things.

Sure, you can buy an iced cappuccino in Epcot, but it'll taste like goat butt. It won't cost you quite as much as Starbucks (shocking, I know), but it will taste so bad that even your sleep-deprived, caffeine-desperate body will be like "NOOOOO! Don't drink it!"

Every park we went to, I searched for some sort of iced coffee drink. It was 80+ degrees out, and I'm going on four solid years without a decent nights sleep. Finding icy caffeine was a survival instinct.

I nearly died.

The only thing that saved me from certain death was managing to stumble into the McDonald's at Downtown Disney where the very kind employees took pity on my dying body and poured an iced vanilla latte down my throat. If it weren't for them? Well, I don't want to think about what could have happened. That iced latte was so fantastic that I was forced to make out with it. Tongue and all.

Making out with McDonald's coffee is like dreaming about Brad Pitt, but settling for Brad Garrett. Not right.

So, Disney, how about you call up Starbucks and make a deal? Let them speed-construct a little store on every corner. They can charge way too much for their caffeine-y goodness and I'll happily pay too much. Survival is dependent on it.