They're shiny. They're smooth. They're cool. Mastery of their usage will lead to unfound treasures, unknown worlds, and unbelievable fun.

Doorknobs.

Alexis has had a thing for doorknobs for as long as she's been able to see past her nose. Lucky for her, we replaced all our doorknobs years ago with the fun lever-type ones. I felt really smart for about ten minutes after we did it. It is SO much easier to bust through a door with an armful of groceries when you just sort of have to nudge the doorknob down a bit. Sadly, after my ten minutes of feeling like a genius, I remembered that our white cat, Powder, can open traditional doorknobs, given enough time and the right kind of motivation. Those lever-type ones? He laughs in their faces as he freely roams wherever he wants to go.

You would think I would have learned for that particular brand of joy and switched all the doorknobs back to the round ones when Alexis became mobile. You would be wrong. Instead, we became masters of the deadbolt universe, and learned how to prop doors just right so Alexis couldn't pull the handle down.

That lasted right up until she was crawling. Then she pretty much figured out how to roam as free as a retired cow. (Do retired cows roam? I have no idea. Pretend they do.) Between Alexis and the cat, the doors around this house open and shut more than Britney Spears' legs.

It's all good.

Except.

(There's always an "Except.")

Alexis' doorknob has developed an itsy bitsy problem. If you're standing inside Alexis' room and you grab the doorknob to open the door, you end up with a handle in your hands, broken free of the door itself, which remains closed. If you're a grown-up, this doesn't present much of a problem because you just shove the handle back on and twist it slightly differently. If you're 3, however, putting that handle back on and finding that perfect twist is no small task.

Wanna guess how many times a day Alexis manages to lock herself in her room?

A LOT.

Each time she turns into a screaming, frustrated, crying mess. She ends up just standing there, handle in hand, pleading for help.

So, a grown-up rescues her.

You might think someone would get around fixing that handle so as to avoid all the drama. You'd be wrong.

You see, that handle that Alexis just can't seem to work at all during the day? She has no trouble with it at all at night.

She who has improved in the staying in her own bed department is still known to sometimes wander the halls and sneak into our bed in the middle of the night. She continues to manage to do it, despite the evil doorknob that apparently works just fine as long as it's dark outside.

I refuse to fix the dang thing until I figure out the logic in that.

Stupid doorknob.