I have GOT to stop lying to Alexis. It's always little white lies, sanity saving lies, or funny lies, but it's starting to backfire on me.

Some time ago, I got really, really, really sick of fussing at the kid for feeding the dogs the food off her plate. When I say "feeding the dogs the food off her plate" I mean literally that--she was shoving her plate in a dog face, letting him or her eat for a minute, and then resuming her own food consumption. Yeah, gross. At some point I decided that fussing at her wasn't getting me anywhere, and I told her that people food will make the dogs really sick. At that precise moment she was feeding Cody a chocolate chip cookie, so it wasn't really all that much of a lie, but I didn't bother to restrict my statement to chocolate. Nope. "People food makes dogs really sick."

It was an instant payoff. She stopped feeding them completely, and even started scolding Cody for being a mooch.

I thought I was a winner.

Until last night.

Last night Alexis and I were left all to our lonesome selves. We might have thoroughly enjoyed a girls night out, but when we stopped at the house to let out the dogs, we walked in to a disaster zone. Cody had broken into the bathroom and drug a week's worth of trash all. over. the. place. After he shredded it to a million little pieces, of course.

To say that I wanted to kill him would be an understatement.

Instead, I begrudgingly picked up the disaster zone and started making dinner. At that point it was too late for Alexis and I to head anywhere fun. And then it happened. Alexis tried to kill Cody. Or, at least that's what she thought had happened.

Somehow the poor kid spilled her bowl of pancakes (only gourmet meals around here, yo) and Cody had beaten her to the pile of goodness. As he snarfed down pancakes, Alexis started freaking out. "OH, NO! Cody eat my pancakes and he's going to get sick and he's going to die! WAAAAAAAAH!" The kid was sobbing as she said it.

She was absolutely convinced that her dog was going to die, and that it would be all her fault. I finally managed to calm her down by concocting some "medicine" for him and shooting it down his throat. It was only water, but after the toilet paper party he had thrown, I won't deny that I was wishing it were poison. Served with a kick to the head.

The guilt I felt that my words had caused Alexis so much heartache was enough to keep the little rat dog safe for the evening. He absolutely couldn't sustain any injuries for a few days (not even a little spork to the face) because Alexis would be convinced it was her fault. That kid LURVES that dog. A lot.

So, it was really fantastic when I found what initially appeared to be another piece of trash on the floor. But was actually an ant trap. Filled with ant poison. Chewed to bits.

Um, yeah. During the great Trash Can Caper of May 2009, Cody had found the ant trap I had hidden in the dark corner behind the trash can and chewed it to pieces.

There's nothing better than having to worry that a dog is going to die at the exact moment that your kid is convinced she has done something to kill him.

I'm done lying. For reals.

(No rat dogs were in any way harmed in the making of this story. Promise. He's totally fine, if by "fine" I really mean still in need of a kick to the head.)