Confronting the Unseen
"Is her hemangioma continuing to fade?" Alexis' pediatrician asked me at her annual exam back in February.
It felt like a trick question. If I said, "Yes," would the conversation go away? The conversation that required that I acknowledge that my kid isn't perfect? If I said, "No," would there be a magic bullet? Some sort of instant treatment that would make the spot on her forehead disappear?
I knew the true answer. I just didn't want to admit it.
********************************************************************************
I don't see it. I never have. In fact, back when it was bad, notable, and maybe even a little frightening, I was frequently thrown off guard when looking at a photo of Alexis. I would stare at the photo, the bright red strawberry very obvious, and look at Alexis, wondering why it photographed so differently than reality.
The answer, of course, is that to know Alexis is to truly see Alexis. When you have lost yourself in her blue/green eyes and swam in the waves of her charisma, you just don't see the mark. Photos don't even come close to capturing the personality that is bigger than the hemangioma.
********************************************************************************
Alexis and I stood patiently in line at the grocery store waiting to pay for our Lima beans and bread. Our turn finally arrived and the cashier glanced up at us. "Hi, honey! Ohhhh, how did you get that booboo on your head?" she asked.
Alexis looked at me dumbfounded. She doesn't know that she has something on her forehead that makes her "different."
I don't see it, but other people do.
********************************************************************************
I've never talked to Alexis about her hemangioma. It seems so stupid, so shallow. It's just a couple of blood vessels that aren't quite right. They are no cause for concern, not any sort of danger, just purely a vanity issue. I don't care that the red mark is there, and she certainly doesn't care. However, kids can be cruel. Kids have the power to make her care. Kids have the power to make her hurt.
********************************************************************************
I've ignored the pediatrician's recommendation to call the pediatric dermatologist to discuss follow-up for the hemangioma for five months now. Really, it just seems so dumb to even care about it when there are kids with much bigger battles to fight. A simple Google image search of the word "hemangioma" is like a drop in the ocean of potential awfulness. Alexis is nearly perfect.
We are so very lucky.
********************************************************************************
I ran across this photo today. It was taken a little over a year ago.
It's a great photo of Alexis, certainly one of my favorites. Given that I have thousands of photos of the kid, that's saying something. But, the problem with having thousands of photos of your kid's smiling face is that you can't ignore the evidence. The mark stopped fading a long time ago.
It's time that I confront that which I don't see.
But I don't want to.
Alexis is beautiful exactly the way she is. Hearing a doctor tell me otherwise doesn't make me happy.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Reader Comments (73)
She *is* beautiful just as she is. Because it hasn't faded in a year, is the concern that it will never go away now? What is the "treatment" for it?
I don't see it when I look at her, either. I notice it in her younger pictures, but it's just that: I notice it, but that's not *all.* I think that lots of people can't look past one tiny thing that may be not "perfect" and then miss out on everything that IS perfect.
Alex has a birth mark of sorts. It's a little tiny busted capillary bed on the side of his left eye. People ask me why he has a bruise, or how he got the bruise, etc. Honestly? I don't see it anymore. I asked the pediatrician about it after he was born, and once I knew it was nothing to worry about I stopped noticing it.
I think Alexis is beautiful the way she is. She has a sparkle to her that just kind of draws you in.
Sophia has a huge hemangioma on her back. I kind of dig it, although a lot of people gasp when they see it.
That anonymous poster rocks! And now I remember my mom calling them "beauty marks" too.
I say leave well enough alone...she's beautiful, with our without it. (Of course, it is YOUR decision and not the Internetz.)
Wow, a lot has been said already and there are certainly good points to each side. So I just wanted to say: either way, no matter what you and Mr. Husband decide, it will be the right thing to do. You know your daughter and you love her more than is even possible, and THAT is what will make either decision the right one. No matter what you choose, she will be fine because she has the two of you, and YOU will be fine (eventually!) because you have us. Oh, fine, and because you have her, too. :)
Whatever you do, it's not going to change Alexis into someone else. And it's going to be the right thing.
For the record, I didn't notice it until I saw one of those baby pics of her...and I still don't see it, unless you insist on marking it with a great big arrow. And, I don't even "know" Alexis--just through this blog.
Of course she's gorgeous no matter what!
One of my nieces had one on her cheek that was quite prominent and now faded much the same. We always just called it her "special mark from God!" : )
to be honest, I haven't noticed it in her photos recently. I wouldn't do anything about it, unless there was a real medical reason to do it
First and foremost, she is awesome as is. But I will understand whatever you decide. Declan has spider veins all over his face that used to be way more prominent as a baby - older kids would ask what they were - and Aldo a non cancerous red spot onhis nose that I sometime Photoshop out of photos. Sigh.
You totally have to listen to your gut and nothing else. I can't tell you how many times I have ignored my gut because someone who I thought was wiser disagreed with me. Everytime I was right in the end. I would get another opinion if you feel more comfortable. Children's hospital probably has someone who can help.
She's gorgeous! I'd leave it. If it's something that she wants removed down the road, have at it. She's a beautiful girl with a larger than life smile (and, from the way you describe her, a personality to match!).
So, my little sister has/had one. On her wrist. it was probably a good two inches long. When she was born the doctor said "now we need to let you know, she has this mark on her wrist" my mother said "will it kill her? Does it hurt her?" he said "no" she said "then I don't care"
At 14 hers is pretty much long gone. I can see the traces of it, but only because I know it's there. We named her "strawberry mark" Fred. We kind of miss Fred.
I noticed she had it, knew what it was, and didn't give a crap. Alexis is awesome yo.
@Molly C--Does your sister's turn brighter when she's mad? Alexis' turns real bright red when she's pissed, which is fantastic because I can look at her and know to run the other way. It totally cracks me up!
I AM THE BLESSED INDIVIDUAL WHO IS PROUD TO BE ALEXI'S NANA. SHE IS MY ONLY GRANDAUGHTER AND SHE IS MY ANGEL. SHE IS LOVELY, AND MORE PRECIOUS THAN ANY LITTLE GIRL I HAVE EVER KNOWN. MY LOVE AND COMPASSION FOR MY PRECIOUS ANGEL RUNS VERY DEEP. I HAVE WATCHED HER FROM A BABY GROW AND BECOME MORE BEAUTIFUL WITH EACH PASSING DAY. HER BEAUTY MARK HAS FADED SO MUCH TO PRACTICALLY ALMOST NOTHING. I WAS TRULY SHOCKED TO READ THAT ANYONE WOULD THINK DIFFERENTLY. I DON'T GET THE PRIVILEGE TO BE WITH MY ANGEL AS MUCH AS I WOULD LIKE TO SINCE WE LIVE ABOUT 6 HOURS AWAY. THEREFORE I SEE THINGS MOM AND DAD PROBABLY WOULDN'T SEE SINCE THEY ARE WITH HER EVERYDAY. I DON'T THINK HER BEAUTY MARK SHOWS ENOUGH FOR ANYONE'S CONCERN. SHE IS PERFECT TO ME AND HAS BEEN SINCE THE DAY SHE WAS BORN. I LOVE YOU ALEXIS! I KNOW HOW CRUEL OTHER CHILDREN CAN BE AND EVEN SOME ADULTS. HER MARK HAS FADED SO MUCH THAT I TRULY NEVER SEE IT! I AM TO LOST IN HER BEAUTIFUL SMILE AND CAPTIVATING EYES. THIS LITTLE MARK HAS FADED SO MUCH IN HER SHORT THREE YEARS THAT I REALLY BELIEVE IT WILL FADE MORE AS SHE GETS OLDER.
AS FOR THE DOCTOR, I WORK FOR 4 THEY WORK FOR MONEY NO MATTER HOW NICE OR CARING THEY ARE. THEY ARE GOING TO WANT YOU TO DO THE MEDICAL SIDE OF THINGS. THATS HOW THEIR PRACTICE GROWS AND HOW THEY STAY IN BUSINESS.
DON'T CHANGE ONE THING ABOUT HER. I TRULY BELIEVE WITH ALL MY HEART AS TIME GOES ON SO WILL THE FADING OF HER BEAUTY MARK.
ALEXIS IS A GIFT FROM GOD GIVEN TO YOU AND MY SON. WHEN HE GAVE YOU ALEXIS HE GAVE YOU AND MY SON RESPONSIBILITY TO PROTECT AND GUIDE HER THROUGH THE YEARS. TO MAKE THE DECISIONS FOR HER TILL SHE IS OF AGE TO MAKE THEM ON HER OWN. HE KNEW YOU WOULD BE GOOD PARENTS AND HE KNEW YOU WOULD GIVE HER ALL THE BEST IN LIFE.
DON'T LET ANYONE MAKE CHOICES FOR YOU. YOU AND WAYNE NEED TO MAKE DECISIONS ON ALEXIS TOGETHER NO ONE ELSE SHOULD MAKE THEM FOR YOU.
TALK ABOUT IT WITH ONE ANOTHER LOOK OVER HER PHOTO'S FROM BIRTH TILL NOW. SEE IF YOU DON'T SEE A DRASTIC DIFFERENCE IN HER LITTLE BEAUTY MARK. IF IT HAS FADED AS MUCH AS IT HAS IN THREE YEARS, WHAT DO YOU THINK COULD HAPPEN IN THREE MORE YEARS? WILL IT REALLY STILL BE NOTICEABLE? SEARCH YOUR OWN HEARTS. DO YOU THINK IT WILL BE THAT NOTICEABLE GIVEN MORE TIME?
I LOVE YOU BOTH I KNOW AS HER PARENTS YOU KNOW WHAT IS BEST FOR HER.
KEEP ON BEING THE AWSUME PARENTS THAT YOU ARE
LOVE NANA
I am a recent reader/follower of your blog and have really been enjoying it, especially the great pictures of your daughter, who is so cute! After reading this post, I just wanted to say that I have NEVER noticed the hemangioma until just now! How funny is that? Not once did I notice it!
@Emily--I don't think it's noticeable at all, so it always catches me off guard when people comment on it. Kids are notorious for saying something--even kids that have known her for a while!
I never noticed it until some time ago when you posted a baby picture and it was brighter. I assumed it had faded entirely.
I love the anon comment re: what she should say to anyone who asks! Hilarious. She could also say it's her beauty mark. (The comments from Mom and Nana are sweet too.)
I would see a derm to get an opinion about the rate of fade you can expect and go from there. It does seem like waiting a few more years might be the way to go. It certainly isn't noticible in photos.
I love that first pic of her - the ferociousness of the bite!! Too funny.
On a different scale, I can understand completely. Bug was born with a partial cleft lip and palate. While we had the lip repaired when he was 4 months old, we've yet to do the palate. It's just along the jawline, and doesn't affect anything other than cosmetic issues. I don't see it. I never have. And it always amazed me when someone would praise me for taking him "out in public" when he was an infant.
We've discussed the medical issues of his cleft with Bug. At 11, he's old enough to understand most of it. And he's old enough to start making the requests himself to get things fixed, and to understand his reasons for asking.
But we've also talked about how being born that way was a gift from God. Not necessarily a gift to him, although it could be viewed that way sometimes. But a gift to others. Bug is a walking, talking, laughing, smiling gift of tolerance and acceptance.
And we're good with that.
Burgh,
I don't know if you ever noticed the bumps on Monkey's face -- she had them for about 2 years. I seldom noticed them at all, except when they got inflamed (usually right before they disappeared). We saw a couple of dermatologists for it -- mulloscum contagiousum [sic] -- and the recommended treatment in children Monkey's age was to wait until they went away. And they did.
I agree with the reader who said to consult with the derm (and if you don't like his/her opinion, get another one -- I know a good one!), and go from there. If Alexis is so very sensitive, I wonder what it can hurt to have it taken care of now. Are you worried about the procedure? Can they offer some sedation or local numbing?
Monkey was getting comments on her "bumps" when she started school, but they were also disappearing at that time. She asked what they were, and why she had them. We told her what she could understand, assured her they were going to disappear, and that she was beautiful regardless of her "bumps".
I haven't read all the comments, so if I'm just repeating them, I hope you don't mind.
Bun now has the bumps, too -- on her bum. There is one I would like to have removed only because it looks as if the diaper irritates it.
good luck! ciao,
rpm
oh, and also: I have never noticed it IRL, only in some of the pics here. And she's adorable any way you look at it. I hope other [stupid] people haven't caused you too much pain!
I can give you Dr. Bro's contact info. He treats kids, although he's not a ped specialist. Just say the word, I'll email you.
ciao, bella,
rpm
What? I never even noticed that. I looked at all the photos you posted and didn't once think "huh/ what's that on her forehead?" How can you notice it, with those incredible eyes and that beautiful face?
Honestly, if it's not a health concern, who cares? She is still one of the most gorgeous children I have EVER seen. And she's got personality to boot. You'd have to be a bit shallow to give a crap about a mark IMO.
You know, I've never really noticed it either. I guess her inner and outer beauty and personality just blind me to it!
what a tough decision. I honestly don't notice it in person. Those pictures you can see, but I have never focused on it. I agree that you shouldn't care if it's not a health concern, but I also know how cruel kids are.
Tough choice, I think if what people say bother her, perhaps there is your answer.