When I agreed to guest post for Burgh Baby, I was a little drunk.
I’m not making that up. Not that I wouldn’t have agreed to it sober, I’m just sharing the story with you.
I had been sitting innocently at my computer at 9:00 at night attempting to pound out my latest column for Pittsburgh Magazine, which had a NEXT DAY DUE DATE OMGPANICI HAVEN‘TWRITTENONEWORD, when my sister called with a “my two kids and my husband have worn me down and I need to get out of the house and drink wine NOW” call.
You don’t tell your sister no when they call you with THAT call. You invite them over and crack open a new bottle of Riesling wine and talk about life, problems, and more wine please.
So by the time I returned to my computer an hour later, I was buzzing and Burgh Baby’s mom had baited a hook and was twitter-fishing for a guest post. Oh, I’ll do it! Pick me! Pick me! The chick who has never written for a Mommy Blog before! MEMEME! If this were twitter I would hash tag this paragraph with #attentionwhore.
It wasn’t until the next day that the What The Hell Am I Going To Write About thoughts set in. Oh, and the headache. Ow.
I threatened Burgh Baby's Mom with extravagant use of the word penis, or just a post of picture after picture of hawt shirtless Pittsburgh athletes, but really, other than Troy Polamalu and maybe a few Penguins, do we really want to see Ben Roethlisberger without a shirt. Dear God, no. My eyes.
Plus, this website is for Alexis and if Alexis was my daughter, she wouldn’t be allowed to see a shirtless man other than her father until she was maybe 25-years-old. And then only if she’s a doctor and needs to do open heart surgery. Even then, are we SURE this guy will die without the surgery?
So I decided to answer the question in this post. Sort of.
Five things I would teach every girl in the world:
1. You live life once, every moment once, and they go fast. Life is way too short to be unhappy from things within your control. That includes the profession you choose, the man you choose, the food you choose, and the friends you choose.
2. There IS such a thing as inner beauty that eventually outshines outer beauty and any man that doesn’t recognize that isn’t worth a single tear, a broken sob, or even a well-placed kick to the donkey omelets. Alexis is already rocking the inner and outer beauty, so, you know, WIN!
3. It’s okay to hate pink, hate purple, hate princesses and hate everything about Barbie and her stupid eight-feet-long legs and that brainless penis-less (ding!) Ken guy she strings along. It’s okay to play with boys and trains and worms and to scrape your knees without crying and to be tough and to know how to totally rock both a backwards baseball cap and a grounder that goes screaming past third base … while wearing an adorable dress.
4. Dreams really do frickin’ come true. I’m going to put that on a bumper sticker. Srsly. I’m living proof of this one.
5. Karma is a boomerang. A justice-serving, smack-you-in-the-butt, just desserts, if-you-give-it-be-prepared-to-take-it boomerang. Don’t be one of those girls that thinks they have a Karma Boomerang shield, dishing out the selfishness and the pettiness and the materialistic judginess (not a real word), thinking you can just flick a button, activate your shield and watch as the boomerang splinters to pieces leaving you unharmed. This is not Star Wars. You are not Queen Amidala. Dish that stuff out long enough and that Karma Boomerang will smack you upside the head so hard you’ll never recover everything you lost.
Does any of that make sense, Alexis? I hope so. I'm a little drunk.
Also, Alexis, could you shut your eyes for a quick sec?
What?!