It's been awhile since The Retail Universe slapped me across the face and screamed, "YOUR BABY ISN'T A BABY ANYMORE." I've been crossing that awful aisle between baby clothes over to the *sob* big girl *sob* clothes for months. However, I've been cheating. Alexis wears almost nothing but Gap clothes, so the Walk of Horror from babies to big girls is pretty much like a walk from the Macy's shoe department to a good ol' fashion shoe store. It's mostly a lot of the same.

Sure, the Gap big girl clothes are cut slightly differently than the baby ones, but they are the same fabric, just less of it. Uh, yeah, the straps on dresses? Get thinner as the sizes get bigger. I SWEAR IT. I'm pretty sure the skirts get shorter, too. Obviously, it makes sense that we should have our kindergarteners dressing like strippers and not our toddlers. Totally makes sense.

Anyway, since fall is quickly approaching, I needed to acquire some new clothes for Alexis. Specifically, I needed to get her some junk clothes that I can send to daycare for her emergency clothing stash. Usually I send old stuff, but a quick look through her long-sleeve/warmer stuff was a big old bust. She has outgrown everything that she was able to wear as spring 2009 faded away. Since old stuff didn't work out, my best option was to head to Wal-Mart.

Shut up.

I know.

I hate it, too, but Wal-Mart does have really, really, really cheap clothes. I don't care about the quality of junk I send to daycare because Alexis almost never ends up wearing those clothes. I only send them as a means of tricking Murphy into thinking we are prepared for any sort of potty/paint/marker/fashion disaster. In a world where my budget for junk clothes is under $10, Wal-Mart fits the bill.

So, Alexis and I walked into Wal-Mart. I instinctively headed for the baby clothes, but quickly realized there wasn't a single thing that would fit her. So we turned and crossed the aisle.

And saw her.

That . . . hussy.

Miley Cyrus.

Apparently Miley Cyrus has partnered with some Max dude and designed a line of "clothing" for little girls.

I say "clothing" because, people, this stuff shouldn't be considered clothing. It's . . . uh . . . scary and stuff. The best part? IT ALL COMES IN SIZES SMALL ENOUGH TO FIT MY THREE-YEAR OLD.

Yes, all of it.

Even this:

Lumberjack plaid isn't just for boys any more. Now even the littlest girl can hack at wood all the live-long day, while donning her girlified plaid in the form of a dress. The only problem is that if you don't want to see the moon while your little lumberjack hacks, you better buy a REAL big size. In order for that sucker to go down to Alexis' knees, she'd need a large. She's three. THREE. She's not even tall for her age.

At least Wal-Mart was a little more honest with this one:

They say it's a shirt. It's definitely a shirt. The weird thing is that I thought that whole plaid thing went to the grave with Kurt Cobain, no? Could it be that Miley is stealing ideas from the 80's and 90's?

Yes.

Yes, she is. If the vest over t-shirt thing isn't proof enough, how about this?

Pick your jaw up off the floor, please and thank you. Yes, those are Cyndi Lauper's pants. Aren't you glad yet another generation will get the chance to marry camel toes with animal prints? Thanks, Miley!

Fortunately, Miley didn't notice that whole pesky stirrup pant thing from around the same era.

Whoops. I guess she did notice them. She didn't realize they were fug, though. They're even more fug now than they were back in the day.

Unfortunately, it gets worse. Much worse. I don't know what kind of wacky tobacky Miley has been smoking, but I'm thinking these pants are her first step in trying to bring the mullet back into play:

Hello, shiny! Best part? They are sold out online. Find the six people who bought them and smack some sense into them, will you?

Alexis and I left Wal-Mart empty-handed. I figure she's better off risking nekkidness in the event of wardrobe emergency than she is dressing like that hussy-making Miley.

Oh, and get off my lawn, you damn kids.

(All photos borrowed from walmart.com. I would have taken some myself, but I didn't feel like getting kicked out for that. Again.)