I've never been a princess sort of chick. This is a shocking revelation, I know. I'm sure everyone pictures me sitting atop my throne adorned in a fluffy pink gown and adjusting my crown as I shout out blog posts to my man-servants. Sadly, I actually have to stoop to typing them myself, usually dressed in ratty old flannel pajamas. It's a sad, sad existence.

Because Karma works in amazing ways, I of course gave birth to one of those kids who would have a giant pink princess tutu surgically attached to her waist if she could find a doctor willing to perform the procedure. The kid eats, breaths, and sweats princess love. It's a sad, sad existence.

Because Karma is such a bitch, I have spent the past year or so fully immersed in the Princess Universe. We've got gowns. We've got dolls. We've got books.

Of course we have books. The Princess Wanna-Be is a giant bookworm.

Somewhere along the line, I bought this book:

I ain't gonna lie--I'd never read the story of Sleeping Beauty (also referred to as "Sleeping Cutey"--that's what Alexis calls it). I knew the premise, but I'd never actually read the words, nor had I seen the movie (I'm just full of shocking news tonight!).

Either this particular version of Sleeping Beauty is all sort of whacked, or the original story is all sorts of whacked. First you've got the king and queen selling their newborn off to the highest bidder. Sure! Why not arrange for your kid to get married just as soon as she's born? Make sure it's to a kid who is considerably older than her, and make sure she gets married the very second she's old enough to drive a car. Genius!

Then the whole curse thing goes down and the king and queen decide it makes sense to send the newborn off with a bunch of old cat ladies. OK, so I don't know if they fairies had 17 cats each, but I bet they did. I mean, they are old and single and living together and, well . . . LOOK AT THEM.

Meow.

Once the fairies kidnap the kid, the evil fairy starts talking to her pet raven. I support this subplot. It's never to early to teach kids that the Ravens are evil. (Please tell me at least one person gets that. Bueller? Baltimore? Ravens? Evil? Bueller?)

Blah, blah, blah. Sixteen years pass and somehow the prince and his arranged-bride-to-be manage to "accidentally" run into each other in the woods. He doesn't know her. She doesn't know him. She knows her fairy kidnappers don't think she should talk to strangers, so what does she do? She invites him to her house. Genius!

Can you see that? Those words? "But when the prince asked her name, Briar Rose remembered that the fairies had told her to never talk to strangers. When it was time for Briar Rose to go, she invited him to visit her cottage that evening."

I don't even know how the book ends. When I read those lines to Alexis, I had to start making crap up so that the moral of the story was to never-ever invite a boy to your house because really bad things involving violent toads and the maiming of Zac Efron will happen.