I am in love with a girl.
Not that girl. Er, well . . . yeah, I *am* in love with that girl, but that's different. That was love at first sight. My new lady love was a little bit different. When I first saw her, my thought process went, "What the f . . . you have to be kidding me. What the hell? Why? Whu? Will I get caught if I stab her?"
But then I walked around for a few moments and pondered things further. A little careful consideration made me realize that I had truly encountered the girl of my dreams. There is so much potential for us to have a lifetime of fun, especially when holidays roll around.
Please say "Hello" to my new lady love.
Her name is Dora the Latina Whore, but you may call her OMG That's a Huge Freakin Dora.
I want her. In my front yard. BAD.
Here's the problem. OMG That's a Huge Freakin Dora lives at KMart. Yes, KMart. I go there something like twice per year, and I just so happened to walk in while they were trying to pretend it's 2006 and Dora is still cool. She's some sort of prop for some blahblahblah promotion. In other words, she's not for sale.
This is devestating.
I NEED that Dora. You see, I feel that she would be a most excellent addition to the massive amounts of awesome that I like to put in our front yard for the holidays. I would LOVE to slap a costume on her for Halloween and watch as the little kids all go running in fear. What's scarier than a 5' 6" blow up Dora? NOTHING.
And Christmas? OH MY HELLSY BELLSY! I could have sooooo much fun with the giant Latina Whore. It would involve Christmas lights and jingle bells and maybe some really big thong underwear and my brain just exploded from picturing all the fun I could have.
So.
The G-20 is currently in Pittsburgh. That means downtown and the surrounding areas look pretty much like this:
So what I might be saying is that the authorities who would normally be responsible for making sure that Dora the Latina Whore is kept safe and sound are just a wee bit busy right now. It's very understandable that they are ensuring the health and safety of 20 world leaders and the entire city and not fussing over an inflatable Whore, right?
Right.
So, if I were to be encouraging criminal behavior, I might suggest that now would be an excellent time for a little Dora-napping plot. Y'all just have to distract the employees at KMart while I stick a nail in OMG That's a Really Freakin Huge Dora's behind. She'll go flat, some KMart employees will deem her not worthy of their time, and when she gets tossed in the trash? I'll be there. I'll fix the hole in her butt and then Dora and I will be bestest holiday friends forever and ever (that's abbreviated BHFFE, just so you know).
And GO! Let's get OMG That's a Really Freakin Huge Dora!