Thursday, April 15, 2021Flying Kites is Dangerous Business
Kites are very high on my list of things that sound like a good idea, but maybe aren't so great after all. I have bought probably 20 of them over the years, but have never managed to buy one that lived up to expectations. My expectations are low, for what it's worth. I just want the thing to fly. It's a bonus if it doesn't fall apart the second I put it in the back of my car, and extra EXTRA bonus if the string doesn't get all tangled up.
Still, I will get by with some tangling and reassembling. Just FLY, DAMMIT.
Last year's kite acquistions were of the more expensive variety and ended up being complete failures. I wouldn't say I spent a forture, but I actually spent time looking for something that looked like it was better quality. I think I maybe spent $25 each on them? And they were AWFUL. We tried three or four times to get them to get some air, but it didn't work. Those kites are probably shoved in the garage somewhere, collecting stinkbugs and getting more and more tangled by the second.
So I went and bought two new ones this year. The garage is a scary place, y'all. I try to avoid it, especially when I know pulling something out of it will only end in disappointment.
This year, though, I remembered the failures of last year and bought CHEAP kites. Like, I got Mila the cheapest one I could find because it's sort of the idea that matters to her. I found Alexis a slightly better one, but still on the low side of things.
I'll be damned if Mila's kite isn't super easy to fly. As in, she can get it started all by herself. It just sort of flutters its way way up into the sky.
Mila has thoughts about this whole thing, by the way.
Did we stay out flying kites well past sundown? Yes, we did. I needed a refill on some Mila joy because she's been particularly jerkish lately. There has to be some good to make me forgive the AWFUL OMG SO AWFUL.
As for Alexis' kite, hahahahahahalolomg. It spins? Really fast? Like, you can get it about five feet off the ground, but then it turns into a fast-moving projectile that will take out anyone who comes near it. I think I lost an ear and I definitely got a mild concussion from the dumb thing.
So Mila was standing on a hilltop overjoyed because she was successfully flying the cheapest kite money can buy. Alexis was annoyed because nobody she wanted to inflict pain on was nearby while she was holding a deadly projectile. I was trying to stay out of the whole thing because OBVIOUSLY.
And of course the girls started fighting.
It was Mila's fault. She just had to go and say, "Too bad you're not as good at flying a kite as I am," to which Alexis got annoyed. She retorted with, "Well, your kite is ugly" and basically the two of them are experts at playing Battleship with each others feelings. But you know who always wins when they fight?
The tiny one, of course.
She KNOWS. She knows exactly what to say to sink Alexis' battleship. This time it was, "It's not my fault I'm a better version of you."
o_O
I Need to See the Manager
I WOULD LIKE TO SEE THE MANAGER IMMEDIATELY.
I have a beef with you, internet. I'll need to speak to your manager.
WHY DID NOBODY TELL ME ABOUT THIS?
It's probably hard to see because I'm still angry I went over 40 years without knowing this particular brand of voodoo magic, but that's a hard boiled egg just giving up its shell with no effort whatsoever because of a mother truckin spoon.
A SPOON.
Seriously, why did nobody tell me that the secret to peeling hard boiled eggs is a SPOON. I have spoons! I have always had spoons! WHY DID I NOT KNOW ABOUT THIS.
I assume you all knew and just didn't tell me so anger. I have much anger.
If you are the one other person on this earth who was unaware, you roll the egg around on the counter like always to crack it in a bunch of places, peel a little spot with your fingers, and then just slide the spoon up under that shell and roll it around. AND BOOM! The shell just falls right off and leaves you a perfect egg, no matter how you cooked them or how old the eggs were or whatever ever crazy nonsense the world has tried to sell me for the past four decades.
A spoon.
A SPOON.
