Fury and Magic
Look, I call it The Damn Elf™ for a reason. I don't even know where the dumb thing came from. One year life was grand and we didn't run around hiding a stupid stuffed thing every night for weeks on end and the next we did and somehow it was a tradition? I have a lot of questions about that, and most of them have to do with finding the person who started this chaos so I can glare at them sternly and tell them how much I loathe the whole thing.
Tradition, my ass.
Regardless, Alexis broke my will to live and convinced me to start the stupid thing. Then, just as she became too old to care, along came Mila like a tornado of joy, demanding MORE things to make her happy. So, whatever. We're an Elf on the Shelf house.
I lost the stupid thing and her stupid pet reindeer a few years ago. Three years ago, I think? I sent Bailey and Britney along for their summer vacation and had absolutely no idea where to pick them up the next year. Like, NO CLUE WHATSOEVER. As luck would have it, Mila was too little to know how to reference a calendar, so it was fine. After spending literal hours trying to find them, I ran to Target and bought a new Elf a day later. I couldn't find a pet reindeer, but whatever. Details are unimportant in these sorts of instances. The Damn Elf™ made her appearance and Mila was very joyful.
Fast forward a bit and the topic of the missing reindeer suddenly became a conversation. I searched again for the missing duo, but it wasn't meant to be. With the actual Britney and Bailey still missing, I made the conversation go away by buying other pets. The reindeer wasn't in stores for some reason, but there was a dog and a fox (whose name is Violent, for what it's worth. Mila means "Violet" but calls her "Violent" and if anyone corrects the whole thing, I will set them on fire). Everything was fine. Totally fine.
Two years went by and then. AND THEN.
Mila left a note next to the Elf, presumably so that it would be delivered to the missing reindeer.
So, that was a problem.
I tried again to find the missing duo around the house. I spent hours rummaging high and low before giving up and trying again to buy a replacement. There was a wild goose chase at a Barnes and Noble on the other side of town which will have me forever hating when online inventory doesn't match reality. That ended in me discovering that the makers of The Damn Elf™ still sell the reindeer directly from their online store.
I had serious issues with giving Satan's Elf Maker any more money, but Christmas magic and blah, blah, blah. I ordered a new Bailey. It showed up yesterday and it's appearance on a shelf with Britney this morning was TAAAAAH-DAAAAAH! Very exciting. Much joy. Pure glee.
I swear to you, 15 minutes after Mila discovered the new reindeer and exploded with happiness, I walked into my closet, looked up at the top shelf, and thought to myself, "that shoebox would be a good place to hide things from the girls."
And myself, apparently.
I found the original Bailey and Britney. It was years too late, but I FOUND BAILEY AND BRITNEY.
I'm thinking about using them as kindling the next time I'm in the mood for s'mores. It seems like a fitting payback for hiding so well that I had to give Satan's Elf Maker more money.
Saturday, December 18, 2021
