In the dark of the night, I have nightmares. Often the nightmares are often twisted and eerie and beyond interpretation, but there is one that doesn't require a psychology degree to understand. When I wake up shaking and clenching my jaw, it's because I had that nightmare where all of my teeth have fallen out.
The nightmare is going to come true some day. Really.
For as long as I can remember, I've had ridiculously stupid teeth. There are lots of explanations (not enough fluoride and childhood poverty issues are high on that list), but they don't matter. What matters is that no matter what I do, I get cavities. Lots and lots of cavities.
There's a pattern that I've fallen into where I go to the dentist, learn I have five or so cavities, and then return over and over again to have all of the decay fixed. Then it comes time for a routine cleaning and I'm all NO WAY. I know what will happen. I will be told I have five new cavities and I'll have to start the cycle all over again.
So I delay.
And delay.
And delay some more because at that point, it's downright embarrassing how much time I've let pass.
When I can't put it off any longer, I finally trudge into the office and listen to remarks about how Super! Very! Clean! my teeth are, but that I have a ton of new decay. If I can't go to the dentist without being told I need thousands of dollars worth of work, why bother? It's a one-sided battle that I can't win.
Just hand over the dentures and let's get it over with, you know?
I'm at the beginning of the latest cycle right now, with two extractions (I'm very attached to my wisdom teeth, but apparently two of them don't want me anymore), three root canals, and two crowns on the horizon.
JUST SHOOT ME NOW. GAH!
Sorry. I hadn't really pieced all of that together in one phrase before. Now that I'm staring at all of those words, I'd like to go grab a pair of pliers and just cut out the middle man. I hope my dentist enjoys the new car he'll probably buy with all of the money he's making from me.
ANYWAY.
During the first visit of the latest cycle, I was bitching and moaning and groaning to the dental hygienist that she can just shooooosh with her, "Your teeth are so clean!" commentary. I know that it's a compliment and that there is some value in my diligent brushing and flossing, but the compliment is worthless when I know what comes next.
Somewhere in between all my kvetching, the hygenist dropped a little bomb on me. "Have you ever researched xylitol?" she asked.
That sentence earned her my very best "WTF?" face, so she continued on to explain that xylitol is a sweetener that the government has been using to prevent tooth decay for soldiers that are deployed to places where regular brushing just isn't possible. The long of the short is that she was all, "Check it out!" and I was all ... I guess I can.
And now I'd like to punch a dentist or ten in the face.
WHY DID NO ONE EVER MENTION THIS TO ME BEFORE? WHYYYYYY?
Go ask Dr. Google for yourself (including researching the potential side effects), but I basically found that I will be investing in a heck of a lot of gum with xylitol in it. You have to have at least five exposures of xylitol per day for it to work, so I'm popping a piece of gum in my mouth every time I have something to eat or drink. In theory, it should put an end to the never-ending cavity invasion.
I'll let you know if it works for me. You know, after I've had the extractions, root canals, and crowns. Oh, and after I punch a dentist or ten in the face.
(This is the greatest thing to ever happen to Alexis, by the way. I am suddenly willing to let her have gum. Sometimes.)