Sometimes it's hard to find words to put in this place. It's the hardest when life is halted because a nightmare has become reality. I want to write so that I can work out my thoughts, and yet I can't write because waiting and listening and thinking are my first instinct. I'm the last person to speak up in nearly every situation because I want to gather all of the information, consider all of the facts, and really evaluate my thoughts before I say them out loud.
I'm still thinking about Friday, as I'm sure almost everyone is. There is no way I could walk around with a bubbly, full-of-life six-year old and not think about the what ifs.
Every moment of every day ... what if? Why? How could he? What if?
It can be so very crippling to focus on the nightmares.
I didn't grow up a Mister Rogers fan (Contain your shock, please. I grew up in rural North Dakota without cable and very barely ever watched any TV because of it.). I had never heard his quote about finding "the helpers" until this weekend. But, without having the words to describe what it is that I do, that's it. That. I do that.
When nightmares surround me, I look for something good to focus on.
It's why I started tweeting about Christmas Crazy in the midst of Friday's horror unfolding. I needed to. For me. I needed to focus on all of the amazing people who did a very good thing for kids they have never met. I needed to find some good and I needed to swim in it for a few hours.
So while I try to sort out the nightmares and process it all, I'm going to spend as much time as I can finding good. You'll be seeing it reflected in posts here for the next few days, I'm sure.
I guess I'm saying that things will continue on around these parts, but it's not because my mind has moved on. It's because my mind needs some rays of light as it works through the darkness.