After five years, three months, and eight days of living with me, Alexis has started to figure out one universal truth that will always exist in my world: Nothing is free. If she wants to have a say in what I cook for dinner, she better help me empty the dishwasher. If she wants me to read a book to her, she better read one to me first. And if she wants me to buy something for her, I better be getting something out of the deal.
That last one might explain why it's so fun shopping with her. She has been brainwashed and rarely asks for anything without offering something up.
That's how it came to be that Alexis promised she would sleep in her bed three whole nights. She saw a Barbie she wanted and said, "I'm going to sleep in my bed three nights and you can surprise me with that Barbie!"
I had to admire her creative use of manipulation, especially since it was almost a good deal. Almost. I changed the terms to five nights, figuring that if she wanted to set goals and pick her own rewards, fine. Whatever. I would just make the compensation a little sweeter for me.
She, of course, crushed that goal in no time, further proving my theory that it doesn't matter what I do, she will sleep in her bed when she has it in her head that she wants to sleep in her bed. I could duct tape and chain her to the mattress and she'd manage to escape if she set her mind to it. Similarly, she could decide tomorrow that she's never sleeping more than two consecutive hours again, and she would find a way to do it.
Anyway, that's how I found myself running to Target all. by. myself. After doing cartwheels in the gardening aisle and staring at a bunch of things I knew we didn't need, I meandered back to the Barbie aisle and found The One Alexis had requested. Just for kicks, I did a few more cartwheels in the aisles and then walked the entire perimeter of the store. I managed to make the full loop in something less than three miserable weeks and it was glorious! No whining about how far it was! No feet dragging! Did I mention no whining? NO WHINING! About anything!
In theory I should have spent $9,351,340 while I was there. ALONE! In reality, I bought the Barbie and that was it.
I'm so lame.
Regardless, upon presenting the Barbie to Alexis and congratulating her on making her goal, she said, "Thank you!" She paused before continuing, "I'm going to stay in my bed forever and ever."
My eyes popped open faster than Dora can get on my nerves. "Forever?" I asked.
"Yeah. I'm not going to get in your bed any more," she replied.
Any lawyers in the house? If I get her to sign a contract stating that she'll stay in her own bed, will it be binding in court? What if I have her sign it in blood?
