Not to be outdone by the delusional pediatrician, Alexis found eight words that instantly caused a traffic jam of words in my head.
"How do babies get in a mommy's tummy?"
::blink::blink::blink::
The first time she asked, I think I managed to spit out something like, "Hey, look! Did you see that deer? I think it had the same hair as Justin Bieber! On its butt! It had glitter all over it, too! SHINY! SPARKLY! THING! OVER! THERE! LOOOOOK!"
Hey, now. You'd change the subject, too, especially if Britney Spears was blaring through the radio with a song about having a threesome.
The second time the topic came up, Alexis decided to be a little more vague with her question, "Where do babies come from?" she asked.
I was slightly more composed in my response that time, despite the fact that I was eating a veggie hot dog at that exact moment. "Ask me later," I said.
Look, it's not that I'm afraid of talking about sex with the kid. I would MUCH rather that she heard it all from me than from some misinformed creep at school. I just was hoping that I would have a little time to prepare for The Talk.
So, that's what I've been doing lately. Preparing for The Talk.
I realize that I need to avoid having the discussion while we're in the car, just in case the soundtrack to our conversation were to end up being something that would traumatize me for life. And, yes, I said traumatize ME for life. I'm not worried about Alexis. It's me that could use a little Xanax when it comes time to think about my kid and sex in the same sentence.
(I just cringed, LITERALLY, typing that sentence. Go figure.)
I also need to avoid having any food that could be confused with a phallic symbol in front of me while we're chatting about sex. I mean, really. I'm worse than a 14-year old boy.
Considering all of that, I decided that an age-appropriate book was the way to go. I'll just read it to her during our usual nightly reading session and it'll be no big deal. For her. I plan to weep openly after it's done.
I tromped around Amazon for a bit, reading reviews and write-ups about various books guaranteed to keep the conversation on target. I found a few that have potential (this one and this one, specifically), but then discovered something truly amazing.
Some people really have issues.
Like, REALLY.
Reading some of the reviews turned out to be so funny that it's almost worth knowing that I have to deal with The Talk with the kid. There are reviews that say things like, "This book is far too graphic. Kids don't need to know all of this stuff." There's also "The drawings are too graphic and will likely frighten anyone (child or adult)." There's, "If you want to turn your kid into a pervert and have him whoring around in preschool, then you'll get what you want." And my favorite, "This book read like a manual for pedophiles."
Two words for some of those reviewers: Projecting much?
I guess I'm not the only one who gets a little uncomfortable thinking about discussing sex with their kid. Thank goodness I'm not so scared of The Talk that I get all wound up over some cartoon drawings and the word "vagina."
