"What if I don't make any friends?" Alexis asked. Her face was painted with genuine fear and her eyes filled with dread. "I don't know how to act. Should I be myself?"
She's seven and she already worries too much about whether or not other people like her.
I launched into a lecture about always being herself because herself is a pretty awesome person. I told her that anybody that can't see that is lame and blah, blah, blah. We've all heard or given the lecture.
But ... man. How I wish I had figured out how very true every word of that lecture is when I was her age. To this day, I still let people get under my skin, even though I know it's pointless. Life makes us wiser, but it doesn't make us any smarter.
I said it once, and I'll say it again and again, in hopes that Alexis figures out that it's true long before I ever did -- there are some types of people who aren't worth your energy. Just walk away.
The Gossips -- They're the people who can't make it through a conversation without bringing up someone who isn't there. They talk about people and they talk about people and they suck all of the energy out of the room. There is a great quote by Eleanor Roosevelt that says it all:
Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.
Don't let the small-minded people control the conversation. The Gossips have a condition that is contagious and it's uglier than pretty much any disease.
The Fun Suckers -- You say "The sun is out!" and they say "It's way too hot!" Everybody is stupid, nothing is fun, everything is a waste of time. They can complain about absolutely anything, and it's exhausting.
The Fun Suckers can't be fixed. There is something in their heads that makes them look for a reason to complain and they're going to find it no matter what you do.
Walk away. That's all you can do.
The Toppers -- A very long time ago, I worked with a woman who could top any story you could tell. If your friend was cast in a movie, she would tell you about her sister who had the starring role in a bigger movie. If you had a busy weekend, she would go on to prove how her weekend was busier. There was no story she couldn't top, a fact that didn't go unnoticed by everyone in the office. There were days when we all purposely told a tall tale just so we could hear how she would manage to outdo the story teller.
It was beyond annoying.
But it was beyond stupid to let it be annoying. It's not hard to figure out what is going on with people who have to top every story, but if you stop and think about it, you'll cut them some slack. They're building themselves up without purposely cutting anyone down, and they really have no idea that they're doing it. Either learn to enjoy the stories or walk away. Getting annoyed is just plain ridiculous.
The Passive Aggressives -- The dictionary provides a pretty solid definition of people who fall under the category of passive aggressive, but the main thing to remember is that they rarely say what they feel. Their meanness is deliberate but veiled because they don't want to be the bad guy.
The Passive Aggressives attack people, but then deny it, often justifying their actions with some sort of lie. They have a goal and that goal is to undermine their own happiness. They go really far to set themselves up for misery, but they will somehow make it everyone's fault but their own.
You have to make a choice with this one, Alexis. Either confront the behavior head on or run away. You can't just stand there and let it continue. It's much easier said than done, but it's necessary. The Passive Aggressives are toxic.
The Cutters -- The Cutters walk around with verbal scissors, always finding a way to cut people down. Alexis, my dear, you already know one of these people. We've talked about it a million times, but let me remind you of this one thing - The Cutters have two bad things to say about themselves for every one bad thing they say about other people.
They have to do that. They have to cut people down. They don't know how to deal with their own insecurities, so they try to create insecurities in other people.
You have to feel bad for The Cutters. It would be awful to have your brain wired that way.
The key to dealing with The Cutters is simple. Every time one cuts you down, ask yourself if what they said is true. Be honest with yourself. If it's not true, dismiss it. Don't lose sleep or ponder it or let it hurt you at all. You are your own worst critic, so if you don't see truth in their words, it's probably not there.
Some lessons are learned the hard way, but I hope Alexis will manage to somehow skip some of that "hard way." The world is filled with far too many genuinely amazing, fantastic, funny, and caring people to be wasting time with any of the ones who aren't adding joy to your life.
For the record, the first day of camp, the day she was dreading so much, was described as "SOOOO fantastic!"