She sat arranging and rearranging several bottles of nail polish as I presented her with her choices for earrings. Alexis had requested a "makeover." However, I'm a tomboy, so THAT is never going to happen. Since she's a girly girl, we compromise and I occasionally cave in and paint her nails and change her earrings. For now she's willing to let me call that a "makeover." Don't tell her to argue the point, mmkay?
She settled on the little peace sign earrings, a recent purchase she had made with her own money. It seems that Alexis' ears don't mind cheap earrings, so I've slowly been letting her move towards more "fun" styles. As long as they are microscopic in size, we're good with it. If she tries to sell me on anything Jennifer Lopez would wear, I exercise the power of NOOOOOO.
I brushed her curls behind her ear and went to grab the back of the little silver star earrings she was wearing. I sighed as I realized she was missing a back. She has made a habit of losing earring backs. It truly doesn't bother me since earring backs are easily replaced and don't require that I part with a lot of cash. Mind you, I've told the kid a million times that it's no big deal if she loses a back or even an earring. That's the beauty of her being able to wear earrings that aren't 14K gold.
I decided not to mention that she had lost another back as I grabbed at the little star. I gave it a little tug thinking it would slide right out. When it didn't, I was perplexed. I looked. And looked again.
And . . . Oh.
OH.
My eyes grew wide as a whole bunch of not-kid-friendly words went flying through my head. I turned the kid's head and looked at the other side.
OH. MY. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Someone. SOMEONE was so worried about losing earring backs that she had decided to push them on really far. SOMEONE had pushed them on so far that they had become embedded in her earlobes. Apparently, SOMEONE had done it several days prior to the discovery because the skin had totally healed over the earring backs.
They were INSIDE HER FREAKIN EARS. Like, all the way. Completely not visible and only detectable because there was a little lump in both of her earlobes.
I checked every parenting book we own and didn't find a single one that had a chapter called "Removing Foreign Objects From Inside Your Kid's Head." THE HELL? How could those instructions not come with the kid? Shouldn't they be tattooed on her forehead or something?
I weighed my options. I could ask Dr. Google for a little help. That option would come at a very high price, though. The photos I might encounter, the nightmares that would be told, and the general "Yeah, so you're kid is going to die," attitude that Dr. Google has for EVERY kid drama under the sun would have been life-altering. And bad. VERY, VERY BAD.
I don't do graphic photographs. I'm thinking "earring back embedded in earlobe" HAS to summon all sorts of nightmarish Google Images. And, really, I'm pretty sure if I ask Dr. Google what to do if I cough, he'll tell me that I'm dying. He's such a pessimistic jerk.
You know what's better than graphic photographs? Watching stuff ooze out of your kid's head and not being able to react. I know that because that's what happened. I figured since I was too chicken to ask Dr. Google for help I should at least give Project Earring Back Removal a shot. If I didn't succeed, Plan B was going to be finding a doctor. Little did I know that should have been Plan A because I very nearly passed out trying to maneuver that suddenly ginormous earring back through the itty bitty earring hole.
Did I mention that there was stuff oozing out of her ears? Because there was. And it was the GROSSEST FREAKIN' THING EVER.
Nightmares, people. NIGHTMARES.
It took me a couple of hours to finally free the earring backs from her head. Mind you, the kid sat perfectly still and barely complained at all the entire time. It was me who kept needing a break because OMG GROSSEST THING EVER STUFF OOZING WTFBBQ I DIDN'T SIGN UP FOR THAT CRAP.
(Psst . . . do you have your Crazy Scary ticket yet? I promise nothing there will be anywhere near as scary as watching fluids ooze from your kid's head. There will be lots of amazing food, drinks, prizes, and all-around fantastic shenanigans. And! It's for the kids! All proceeds will be split between Christmas Crazy and Make Room for Kids.
So, buy your tickets. Now.
Or I'll post photos of the earring back removal process without warning. OH. I WILL.)