In what can only be considered a random consequence of life moving on, I hadn't seen her in years. She's always been someone I regard very highly, one of the smartest, kindest, most easy-going people I've ever been fortunate enough to know. Our lives have gone in different directions, but in a random twist of fate, we somehow wound up in the same place at the same time.
I excitedly called out her name and we did that thing you do when you encounter someone you adore, but haven't seen in a long time. The small talk centered around things like jobs and common acquaintances and major life events. And then I asked a question, a question which I later realized was an absolute and total jerk moment. "Are you still with {name of significant other}?"
Later, as I sat in my car replaying that sentence, I felt awful for being such a douchenugget. I know she didn't think anything of it because she's classy and amazing and forgiving like that. But I felt awful. AWFUL. I was concerned that the question was a sign that in my heart a double-standard lives, a double-standard that I don't want to possess.
Oh, yeah. Did I mention that the amazing person I'm talking about is gay? She and her significant other have been together for a decade . . . maybe even longer. Probably even longer.
It's been months since that chance encounter, but I kept replaying it in my mind. I couldn't imagine myself asking that same question of any of my married friends. I mean, who does that? Who asks someone if they are still with a husband or wife?
It was such a douchenugget thing to ask of someone who had been in a relationship for so many years.
The conversation replayed in my head again today, once again leaving a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. But then another random sort of conversation came up and I realized something--I would ask a heterosexual friend if he or she was still with a "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" or "significant other." I don't believe in asking things like "When are you having a baby?" or "When are you getting married?" but that question, the "Are you two still a thing?" question? That one is fair game when two people aren't in a governmentally recognized union. It's a matter of semantics.
Pennsylvania doesn't allow my friend to refer to the love of her life as her "wife," and THAT is where the double-standard lies.