Internet, it has been TWO WHOLE WEEKS since anybody flipped me off while I was driving.
NEW WORLD RECORD! WAHOOOOO!
I should probably explain. I'm truly not a bad driver. I swear it. I can also prove it. You see, I have only ever been flipped off while driving Audrey, the piece of junk Audi A4 that I just divorced. It's really kind of funny considering I definitely drive more like a jerk when in our Toyota because it's a stick shift and HELLO I'M INCOMPETENT AT DRIVING A STICK SHIFT. Not that I ever drive like a jerk, it's just that if I'm going to do something less-than-perfectly, it's going to be while I'm freaking out over the possibility of stalling out and causing an epic traffic mess.
I long ago figured out that when people see a car they perceive as worth a lot of money (which Audrey was not, btw), they tend to blame the driver for everything that is wrong in the world. The traffic light took too long to turn green? Blame the guy in the BMW. Traffic is at a complete stand still during rush hour? It's because the lady in the Audi changed lanes. Bristol Palin is still on Dancing with the Stars? Blame the guy driving the Mercedes. If he hadn't used his turn signal, she'd have been voted off weeks ago.
For example, earlier this month I was stuck in some traffic that could only be labeled as Epic Suck. Nobody was going anywhere in any direction. After sitting through three green lights, I finally managed to make a right turn onto a road with two lanes headed in the direction I wanted to go. In a perfect world, I wanted to be in the left lane of that road so I could make a left turn a block further up. In a not-quite perfect world, I could have just changed lanes at any time because I could easily get turned around and still make it to the bridge I needed. So, I was sitting in the right lane, patiently waiting for yet another light to turn green, as was everyone all around me. I figured that if I managed to get a good hole, I would go ahead and switch lanes, but I was pretty certain I wasn't going to get that chance. Which was totally OK. Not a problem at all, in fact.
When the light turned green, I started to slowly go straight. Then, in my side-view mirror, I noticed that a lady in the other lane was busy texting (I could see her phone and the flying thumbs) and wasn't nudging forward. A chance! A hole! I turned on my left turn signal and quickly switched lanes, taking advantage of the gap. Somewhere in there, however, She Who Was Busy Texting decided I was a jerk for having legally changed lanes, even though she never even so much as had to tap her brakes to let me over. She laid on her horn, sat her phone down long enough to show me two of her favorite fingers, and then picked her phone back up to follow me around and take photos of my license plate.
Which, uh, WTF? What was she going to do? Call the police and tell them about that beautifully executed legal lane change? Was she confused by the use of the turn signal prior to changing lanes? Did she just think I had a really pretty car and wanted to hang a poster of it up in her locker?
Confession: I might have laughed hysterically when she ended up so busy trying to be a jerk to me that she missed her turn and then ran up over a curb trying to make it too late. Now who's the bad driver? The girl in the Audi or the one driving the Jeep? Heh.