Ali celebrated her first birthday earlier this week, making her officially not a kitten anymore. With that milestone came a realization--I can no longer blame her brand of dumb on youth. As in, HOLY CRAP, she's not just stupid, that cat is downright defective.
Borked.
Impaired.
A whole bag of french fries short of a Happy Meal.
Dumber than a box of Barbie dolls.
The wheel is spinning, but there is no hamster.
For some reason, I thought the adorable little thing would outgrow her . . . shortcomings. She hasn't. AT ALL. She's still a sweet and tolerant and lovely little cat, but I think it's because her brain is duller than a marble. Like, she doesn't know how to do anything except be nice.
Just a few of her signs of defect:
- How many times can she get locked in the hall closet before she'll figure out to stop going in there? I DON'T KNOW. We haven't reached that milestone yet, despite the fact that she gets locked in that closet at least daily. She once spent an entire day (about 9 hours) locked in there, and yet the second someone opens the door, in she prances. Is she looking for a secret door to an underground catnip farm? A giant nest of tasty mice? A couple of brain cells? I DON'T KNOW.
- A normal cat will ram its head into your leg when it wants a few minutes of attention. Ali is not a normal cat. Ali thinks it makes sense to throw her entire body to the floor and kick her legs up in the air when she wants you to pay attention to her. The first few times she did it, I briefly wondered if she was trying to imitate a fish out of water. Nope, just stupid.
- The cat has been alive for twelve months. TWELVE MONTHS. That should be plenty of time to figure out how to nudge a door open. Apparently, for her, it's not. If a door isn't left wide enough for her to just walk through, she will stand there and meow. And meow. And meow. It hasn't occurred to her to use her nose to make the opening between a door and a wall a little wider. She's never thought to just stick her paw in the gap and pull the door open. The only thing she can do is meow like the helpless little borked cat that she is.
- When Ali decides she needs or wants something in the middle of the night, she tries to reach up through your nose and open your eyes from the inside. Seriously. The number of times I have woken up to a paw stuck in my nostril is pretty close to equal to the number of times I have screamed before accidentally launching a cat across the room.
- Do you want to guess how many times Ali has forgotten that glass exists? Think of the biggest number you know. Now double it. The cat has launched herself into a window while trying to catch something on the other side so many times that I don't even laugh when she does it anymore. Ali bashing her head into a window is as much a part of my day as breathing.
Defective, but cute.
