The second Alexis walked through the door after school, she picked up the stabby pointy sticks and set her mind on trying again.
And again.
And again.
If ever there was a human who enjoyed being a cranky grandma, it's Alexis. She spent a solid hour yelling at everyone in her path as she once again tried to figure out the knitting thing.
For the record, she did do it. Someone is going to be getting a scarf for Christmas and that someone better squeal with delight and act like it's the greatest gift ever. It's going to take Alexis (and me) several days to finish it, but it's going to happen. There will be mistakes and imperfections, but LOOK THE OTHER WAY. Smile, say "That's so beautiful!" and give the kid a hug. Failure to do so will result in punches from me. Got it? Good.
As Alexis managed to magically pick up four stitches in a row while also dropping two (I suck at knitting, but yet I find this completely baffling -- 12 + 4 - 2? HOW DO YOU DO THAT?), I realized that we have a problem. HOUSTON. PROBLEM. HELP.
When Alexis knits, her mouth still works. Not only does it work, it's more efficient that usual. Remember that McDonald's commercial where they recited the entire menu? THAT'S HOW FAST SHE TALKS WHILE KNITTING. She could recite the entire text of War and Peace in the time it takes her to finish one row.
I don't understand. I'm pretty sure knitting is supposed to be a quiet activity.
I especially don't understand because she seems to think that I'm a captive audience. Her hands are busy, so my ears are free? I DON'T KNOW.
The whole "Use all of the words as fast as possible" thing is how the conversation came up. Alexis felt the need to tell me every possible name for those underwear cover things that go under cheerleading skirts. I call them bloomers, but she has heard them called all sorts of things -- lollipops, shorts, cheer briefs, and Spanx.
It's not the name that I find most confusing, but as Alexis was reciting the word "Spanx," she paused for a millisecond. "Mom, I don't even know what 'Spanx' means," she told me. She paused just long enough for me to figure out that I was expected to answer.
I told her that Spanx are things that grown-ups wear under their clothes to make them look thinner. That's what they are, right? Spandex undergarments? That skinny-ify? That's my understanding anyway.
As I explained my definition, Alexis face contorted as if I had sprung an extra head and it was actively crossing its eyes and speaking Mandarin while it's nose walked away. SHE WAS SO CONFUSED.
"What?" I asked. I really didn't know what was so confusing about my definition.
"Grown-ups wear them to make themselves look thinner?" she asked.
"Yeah," I replied.
"Mom," Alexis said, "That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Grown-ups don't make any sense at all."
This coming from the tiny knitting grandma who won't stop yelling at her mom.
