When Alexis was just about six months old, she decided to briefly flirt with mobility just long enough to launch herself off of the bed. She landed with a loud thud, squarely on her giant noggin as I tried to lunge and catch her from just a few feet away.
Spoiler alert: She was fine.
That day we learned that she had a superpower. That superpower is that she can hold her breath until she passes out. She inhaled to get enough oxygen to let out the biggest scream of her life as I hurriedly picked her up from the floor, but the scream never came. Instead she silently went limp in my arms.
I believe Alexis planned on titling her first book, "How to Win a Trip to the Emergency Room in Two Easy Steps." It was going to be a short book. Step 1: Fall off of the bed. Step 2: Pass out. TA-DAH! Trip to the ER!
Numerous tests were run and in the end, she was declared to be just fine and dandy. But the doctors missed something. They missed the fact that the part of her brain that was genetically programmed to love fireworks was broken.
I mean, C'MON! FIRE! It's right there in the name! FIREworks are the bestest!
Alexis disagrees. You know, because she's broken.
When we go to Disney World, we have to leave before the nightly fireworks show. When there are fireworks at Pirates games, the kid has a panic attack. Every year she spends the 4th of July bawling and demanding that I make the fireworks stop.
Sure, kid. I'll just confiscate every single firework on earth. There's room for them in our basement, I'm sure. The FBI won't find that suspicious or anything.
Imagine my surprise when Alexis turned to me this evening and said (this is a direct quote--I memorized it so I can have it engraved on a plaque so that I can forever remember this wonderful day), "Mom, can we go downtown and watch the fireworks?"
I might have thrown the patio table out of my way as I rushed to scream, "YES! WE CAN!" Never mind the fact that it was already 8:45 and fireworks were starting at 9:45. WE WERE GOING TO MAKE IT THERE YES WE WERE.
And we did. We pulled out of our driveway at exactly 9:01 and pulled into a parking garage downtown at exactly 9:19. I always thought we live in Egypt, but apparently it's only Egypt-like when there are other people on the roads. Who knew?
We made it about ten steps towards Point State Park when the very predictable happened. Alexis froze in her tracks, looked up at my with her best sad eyes, and said, "Momma, I changed my mind. Can we go home?"
NO, WE CAN NOT. I had just broken the space time continuum to get us downtown in time, so we were marching forward. THE END.
We marched and marched and found our way to Point State Park and we watched those fireworks. Alexis kept her ears plugged the entire time and she very nearly found her way back into my uterus using osmosis, but by golly, SHE WATCHED THE FIREWORKS AND SHE DIDN'T MELT.
Best 4th of July ever? Best 4th of July ever.
