Put Down the Coffee and Get Ready to Shop

A few weeks ago, I received a catalog in the mail. That catalog has provided me with HOURS of entertainment, so I thought I would share a few of my favorite products. (All images totally stolen from http://www.onestepahead.com.)

First of all, I have always dreamt of having a urinal in my kitchen. Dreams DO come true, just look!

Speaking of dreams, I know that when I wake up in the middle of the night and have the need to go, I would positively love encountering this thing:

There's nothing like trying to pry open the toilet at 3:00am to put you in a great mood. Although, having to figure out how the heck to get some toilet paper might make things all better:

It's OK if you have an accident while you're trying to wake up enough to overcome your Toddler-proofing because you can just buy these:

Just hook those microscopic wipes up to your waistband and you'll be all prepared. To clean up one or two drops.

The Toddler thinks it's time to potty train and I positively can't wait until she starts asking to go thirty seconds after we take off in the car. I will be prepared, however, because I'll have this:

Check that sucker out when it's all folded up:

I'm totally making Alexis carry her own toilet around with her everywhere. The thing costs $25 and requires special refill things, but don't worry, there are options for those of you that are too cheap for such things:

Why, yes, that is an inflatable toilet. Your Toddler will positively glow with appreciation while he or she waits for you to blow it up, slap the maxi pad looking absorber in a bag, and attach the plastic bag that catches the good stuff. You'll glow with appreciation on the second use when you finally get a chance to put your lips right where you Toddler last dropped a deuce, just like you've always wanted to. Both of you will appreciate that at least that photo isn't of you. Well, except maybe this kid. He's going to wish he had modeled the blow-up version of the portable potty:

Now THAT'S a photo to be saved for later girlfriends.

If you don't need a portable potty for on the go, but rather one for your living room, may I suggest this model?

While the toilet paper stash is genius, I'm digging the "boy blocker" myself.

Speaking of "boy blockers", I nearly wet myself when I saw this:

The product description is AWESOME: "Another diaper change, another shower? You need a Wee Block! Just cover baby before diapering, and let the soft, absorbent dome catch your little guy's geysers. 100% cotton, machine wash. (Buy two, so you're never caught without.). Imported. Colors may vary. Due to health reasons, we are unable to accept returns on any opened packages."

Since I don't have a boy, I have to say I've never had the joy of a yellow shower. But I'm thinking a wash cloth might just serve the same purpose and I know exactly how I would clean that up in case of actual usage. Oh, and that whole "no returns" thing? That's new. I know for a fact that line was recently added to the description. You just know that means somebody returned a used Wee Block.

Here's another product description that made me snark: "Learning to crawl? Starting to walk? When baby is accident prone, the Bumper Bonnet prevents bumps, bruises, and tears. The soft, thickly-padded head covering acts as a protective cushion, shielding that delicate little head. Lightweight, with an adjustable chinstrap. Machine wash. One size fits babies 6-36 months. Imported. Colors may vary."

I'm trying to think . . . have I ever met a baby that ISN'T accident prone? Hmmm . . . well then, helmets for all!

Speaking of preventing accidents, this thing could be handy:

EXCEPT, it's inflatable. So it's basically a balloon. Yeah, that's going to keep Alexis in her bed. She won't roll into it and knock it down at all.

While we are Alexis-proofing the house, perhaps we should consider this TV Protector. It mounts over all the fun buttons so that Toddler hands stay out:

However, upon closer inspection, maybe it's not such a good idea:

Yeah, it attaches with Velcro. Never before has a child pulled apart a couple of pieces of Velcro, but I'm pretty sure Alexis would figure out a way. Then she would use the TV Protector as some sort of dangerous weapon. I can absolutely see her chasing the Bulldog around, waving it like a sword.

While she's chasing Meg, I think Alexis should wear these:

You know, so she can stop and install some tile while she's in the kitchen. I only wish I would have worn knee pads when I was installing tile.

I also wish I would have had this as a kid:

It absolutely must be a form of child abuse that I didn't have a tray and footrest for my carseat when I was a kid. Somebody call Child and Youth Services.

While you're at it, report anybody that has this:

Here's the product description: "Lull baby back to sleep on her own, with our voice-activated crib light! It not only turns on when baby cries, but plays authentic womb sounds that soothe baby back to sleep . . ." I can tell you why that baby is crying, because the stupid light won't quit turning on. It's like the Clapper, but for a crib.

Also in the category of inventions that seem like a good idea gone bad is this pacifier that checks your baby's temperature:

Here's the best part of the description: "Soothing to a fussy baby, it can monitor your child's temperature every five minutes for up to 25 minutes. Plays a gentle lullaby when fever exceeds 99.5 degrees." Yep, nothing says soothing like, "HOLY CRAP! There's music coming out of my mouth! Oh, it stopped. Wait, it's back! WHY IS THERE MUSIC COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH?"

Another maybe it's OK product:

It's touted as a portable diaper changing station for use when a clean changing table just isn't available. You know what? Anytime I'm in a Denny's and I'm all sorts of mad that there's nowhere to change the Toddler, I so badly wish I had a contraption that would allow ME to sit on the pristine bathroom floor and change her.

This $80 contraption is intriguing:

I'm pretty sure it's the most effective thumb-sucking deterrent available. After all, who can suck their thumb when they are busy staring at it wondering, "What the hell is that?"

Another WTH moment is the "Nursing Stool":

Yeah, um, I don't have any idea what it's use might be. I do know that every time I look at it, I think of a farmer sitting on a stool milking a cow.

Lastly, I have found the perfect gift for Father's everywhere:

People, that is not just a jacket. Let's allow One Step Ahead to explain: "Dads love carrying their babies around, but diaper bags? Not so much! That's why two can-do fathers invented this amazing "wearable diaper bag." It's comfortable, stylish, and remarkably sleek, thanks to nine ingeniously-placed pockets. No one will know dad's carrying diapers, wipes, and even two bottles! Another secret: it includes a slim profile changing pad, hidden in a back panel. Dad invented, of course."

I need to meet the Dads that invented this so that I can drop-kick them each in the man parts and tell him to grow up and carry the freakin' diaper bag already. 'Nuff said.

There are TONS more fun products in the catalog, but I'm out of time. Let me just leave you with this one little birthday idea:

That, my friends, is the most useful thing in the whole catalog and I COVET IT! My forearms look like I was a victim of some sort of horrible torture since I am constantly burn them on the racks in the stove. I'm totally serious when I say you can send those suckers to me for my birthday in two weeks.

Spankin' Good Chocolate Pie

Quite some time ago, The Sports Mama asked me to talk about whether or not I believe in spanking. I intentionally wanted to wait until after Christmas to answer since it seemed to me that it would feel weird talking about discipline in the midst of look! pretty! lights! There were a whole bunch of rules with the meme, so you should go over to her site to read them all. Y'all probably figured out by now that I don't do rules very well.

First of all, I don't really think Alexis is old enough for much punishment other than a stern "no" and removing her from the situation. She understands that some things are bad, but I don't think she quite gets the concept of consequences well enough to get too crazy with her. For example, she knows very well she isn't supposed to play with her food. But I don't think it occurs to her that she might actually get in trouble for it.

Last night she was sitting no further from me than you are from your computer. Daddy had just given her a bowl with a beautiful little hunk of chocolate pie. I was typing away at yesterday's blog post and figured she was pretty well occupied for the next few minutes. I mean, if you hand me a hunk of chocolate pie, I'm headed to the alter to worship the stuff for a few minutes. Don't bother talking to me, I'll be busy making out with my food. I forget that Alexis is WEIRD and isn't much into junk food. I have actually heard myself utter the words, "NO, you cannot have more Lima beans," to the child. The concept of preferring fruits and vegetables over candy and potato chips is so foreign to me that I just can't seem to hold it in my brain for more than a few seconds at a time.

Anyway, she dumped the pie on the floor, lubed up her hands, and started to use it to paint her sweater. I didn't notice for probably three minutes, and only then because she was way too quiet. The first few times I fussed at Alexis that she had to stop and what she was doing was bad, she cackled with glee. It took her at least two minutes to realize she really was in trouble. The photo from yesterday actually captures the exact moment when it dawned on her that we weren't joking around. (What? You don't take pictures as you scold your kid? You totally should--there's some priceless shots to be had right then.)

Right after that picture was taken, Daddy hauled her off to the kitchen and made her wash her hands. Alexis fell to pieces in the process. When that kid figures out that she is in trouble and has done something wrong, she is positively devastated. She LIVES to make people happy (I'd put my money on her for class clown). When she realizes she has disappointed someone, she just plain loses it. Last night she stood in the kitchen sobbing and repeating "I'm sorry" over and over and over until I finally picked her up to console her.

Who needs to spank when your kid carries around a ten-pound conscience like that one? Definitely not me. Good thing, too, since I don't believe in spanking. I simply have never been in a situation where it seemed like spanking would be an effective cure for the behavior. The only experience that comes close is from my days babysitting as a teen. There was a little boy named Shane that once chased me around the kitchen with a knife because I wouldn't let him have another cookie. He might just have deserved a beating for trying to cut the sitter "into a million little pieces" (His words, I remember them well. I bet right now you're hoping your kids hang out with one just like him). Even Shane probably couldn't be "fixed" with a spanking or two. What he really needed was a Dad that sobered up long enough to realize he was macking (unsuccessfully) on a 14-year old.

The challenging part is that my husband does believe in spanking. It's funny because his stories about laughing hysterically as he got spanked are part of my belief that spanking doesn't really work. He'll tell you that he got into trouble so much and spanked so often that he started to just think it was funny. He would actually say, "You think that's going to stop me?" He turned out just fine, other than that whole selective hearing thing that seems to get installed in all men at some point. Who knows if he would have turned out "better" or "worse" if he had never been spanked . . .

Anyway, we've come to an agreement that we're going to try it my way for a while. If there comes a point in time where he thinks Alexis deserves a spanking, we're going to talk about it first. If we agree, so be it. Spanking will commence.

Now, if she pulls some of the crap I pulled as a kid, I'll be changing my stance REAL quick. Climbing out of the bedroom window to sneak out of the house and then hanging out with friends until 4:00 in the morning is cause for a good whipping, no doubt about it.

I'm supposed to tag others to cover this same topic, but as I've said, I don't do rules. If you want to tackle it, go for it!

Takin' Care of More Business

Not only did I fall behind on awards, I also fell a wee bit behind on memes. If you have tagged me in the past few months, I will get to it. Promise. For now, I thought I would knock out one from Chris of The SuperDad Chronicles. He tossed the 7 Random Things Meme my way because apparently you people really like to hear about me, me, me, me, me, me, and me.

1. I didn't know my husband's name for the first few months that I knew him. No, really, I didn't. We had many, many conversations hanging out in a bank parking lot in Minot, North Dakota, but I didn't know his name. While I am really bad with names, it wasn't truly all my fault. NOBODY knew his real name. All his friends and roommates referred to him by his nickname (I would tell you what it was, but then he would get revenge by walking around calling me by a nickname that I despise with all my soul, and we can't have that). Nobody ever called him by his real name. I finally found out what it was by digging in his glove box and looking at his vehicle registration (when he wasn't paying attention, of course).

2. If you hand me a clarinet and play me a note on any instrument, I will match that tone exactly and on the first try. But while I have perfect pitch while playing an instrument, I can't sing for crap. I couldn't carry a tune if it packed itself into a Coach purse and threw itself over my shoulder.

3. When I was pregnant with Alexis, I didn't want to know whether we were having a boy or girl. My husband couldn't promise to keep his mouth shut, so he wasn't allowed to know either. It wasn't a complete surprise, however, when we had a girl. Around the four-month mark, I started to "feel" that we were having a girl. I don't know why I thought I knew, I just did. I even went so far as to write it down, put the paper in an envelope, and seal it up. The only problem is that I don't remember what I did with the envelope. But I was sure we were having a girl, I swear!

4. Along the same vein, when the moment came for the doctor to announce the little one's birth, he said, "It's a boy!" My wise husband said, "No, it's not." I'm thinking the guy with the Bachelor's degree in Zoology knows something the PhD havin' doctor needs to learn.

5. We didn't have cable when I was growing up since it wasn't available out in BFE. Satellite TV at that time required a dish the size of an elephant and cost a small fortune, so I was a deprived teenager who never got to watch MTV. To say that I was pissed when my Dad got a satellite a few years after I moved away would be an understatement. I wanted to watch music videos in the worst way as a teen. Still do, in fact. Too bad there isn't a channel that shows them.

6. I am trying very hard to convince Mr. Husband that we need to go to Southern California this fall for vacation. Alexis needs to visit every Disney property, after all.

7. A turn into a teary, sentimental wuss anytime Alexis wanders over to me to give me a random kiss. Unsolicited affection isn't something that I'm particularly good at accepting, and that kid has the power to melt me on contact. Unless, of course, she looks like this at the time of contact:

(Go ahead, guess that substance. I'll give you one hint: it's not what you first thought it was.)