Coconut Cream Cupcakes

You know how sometimes you remember a place where you haven't eaten for a while and you can't shake it?

I've been in that place for a few months now.

Portman's in Bridgeville. I need to get there. I need to get there for a bunch of things, but most especially for a piece of Coconut Cream Pie. It is, in my not-so-expert opinion, the best Coconut Cream Pie on earth.

I need it. Like, NOW.

I keep forgetting to head to that part of town when I have time to do it, though. Thus, I may have to cave and make Coconut Cream Cupcakes instead. They aren't exactly the same, but they're still pretty great.

Coconut Cream Cupcakes

There are three major components to these cupcakes, so there are also three ingredient lists and sets of instructions. Ready? Ready.

By the way, this makes about 6 dozen mini cupcakes. Plenty to share! (Not really.)

Cupcakes

1 1/2 cups butter, room temperature
1 cup sugar
5 large egss
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 1/2 teaspoons coconut extract
3 cups flour
1 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 cup buttermilk
1 cup shredded sweetened coconut

1. Preheat the oven to 325 degrees then throw the butter and sugar in a large bowl and the introduce them to your mixer. Mix and mix and mix that stuff until you have a light, fluffy, creamy butter mixture. It takes about 4-5 minutes.

2. Add the eggs one at a time, mixing to incorporate the eggs as you go.

3. Add the vanilla and coconut extract and mix some more.

4. In a medium mixing bowl, combine the flour, baking powder, baking soda, and salt. Whisk them all together.

5. Slowly add the flour mixture and buttermilk (alternate them) to the large bowl with your butter in it. I did 1/3 of the flour, 1/3 of the buttermilk, back to 1/3 of the flour, etc. and it worked out perfectly.

6. Once the cupcake mix is well-blended, fold in the coconut with a spatula or spoon.

7. Bake at 325 degrees for 25-30 minutes, or until the tops of the cupcakes are lightly browned and a toothpick comes out clean.

8. Transfer the cupcakes to a wire cooling rack and let them chill out while you work on other things.

Coconut Custard

1/2 cup coconut milk
1/2 cup milk (I used nonfat)
3 large egg yolks
1/4 cup sugar
2 tablespoons cornstarch
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract

1. In a medium saucepan, stir together the coconut milk and regular milk. Bring them to a boil over medium low heat and allow them to simmer for 1-2 minutes.

2. Whisk together the egg yolks, sugar, and cornstarch in a small bowl.

3. Slowly add the warm milks to the egg yolks (pouring from the pot to the bowl, yes) while stirring the entire time. I do mean SLOWLY, by the way. It took me a full two minutes to combine the two things. Nobody wants scrambled coconut eggs, so take your time.

4. Return the whole mixture to the pot and bring to a boil, stirring constantly. It will thicken real quickly. Once it does, add the vanilla, stir, and remove it from the heat.

5. Transfer the mixture to a bowl and place it in the fridge. Once it has mostly cooled, you're shoving some of it in the middle of the cupcakes.

6. To do that, I placed the custard in a pastry bag with a tip that is attached using a coupler. If you use the type that slides into the bag, it won't work. You need a tip that will stay still. Now take that pastry bag tip and shove it into the center of the cupcake. Squeeze out a little custard. Now move on to the next cupcake. Easy enough, right? (If that doesn't work out for you, you can scoop out a little hole in each cupcake using a spoon and/or knife.)

Frosting

2 8-oz packages cream cheese, room temperature
1 cup butter, room temperature
3 cups powdered sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
2 teaspoons coconut extract

1. Use an electric mixer to cream together the cream cheese and butter then gradually add the powdered sugar. If you figure out a way to get the powdered sugar in there without making a mess all over the ceiling, share your magic, please.

2. Add the vanilla and coconut extracts and mix some more.

3. Use a pastry bag to make a little swirl of frosting on top of each cupcake. Top with toasted coconut, if desired. (To toast the coconut, put about 1/2 cup of it on a cookie sheet and place it in the oven for about 5 minutes with your low broil setting. Watch it, though, because everybody's broil seems to work a little differently. It's "toasted" when it's lightly browned.)

So Old. So Very Old.

I need you to agree with the next sentence, for what it's worth. Even if it's a lie, agree with me, okay? Okay.

Everyone has had a moment when they've opened Facebook or Classmates or whatever hellmouth to high school they made the bad choice of opening and been caught off guard by a photo of someone's mom or dad, only to moments later realize that's the someone. Whether it was an actual friend or a unfortunate acquaintance or whatever, you see that person you knew decades ago and mistook them for their parental unit because OMG THEY GREW UP TO BE A TWIN OF THAT PARENT.

Right? We've all done that? (You have your instructions. JUST AGREE.)

That moment is followed by the realization that CHEESE AND CRACKERS, YOU ARE AS OLD AS THAT SOMEONE LOOKS. I'm not saying I can still pass for someone in their 20's, but I'm not over here looking like I'm Mrs. Olsen's age either. Polyester elastic-waisted pants are still FAR in my future, thank you very much. Or are they? In that moment, it's impossible to know because you are definitely getting older.

So, now that we've framed that moment and taken a moment to acknowledge that IT SUCKS SO BAD, I'm going to seem like I"m changing the subject, but don't worry, it will come into focus in a few paragraphs.

ANYWAY. I have this jobby-job thing where I do grown-up stuff all day every day. And clearly I am the age of someone's mom because I"m in charge of a group of people and have a budget and all kinds of scary adult stuff. It can't be all serious and professional all of the time because that would be lame, so a fairly frequent conversation topic at our daily standup is recommendations for what terrible Netflix series I should binge watch next. For just a tiny bit of context, I have informed my team that the greatest movie ever made is 10 Things I Hate About You, so I do expect some questionable suggestions. I prefer questionable suggestions, even. My team has made some truly outstanding recommendations, but a few weeks ago, they TOTALLY screwed up.

Two of them swore that Jupiter's Legacy was worth a few hours.

1. Meh. It was okay. It needs more seasons to be sure.

2. WTAF, people. I won't be watching more seasons because WTAF.

Ten seconds into the show, Josh Duhamel's dad/grandpa came on the screen and THAT is where we can loop back to the first part of this blog post because SON OF A MOTHERLESS GOAT, IT WAS JOSH DUHAMEL. AS IN THE DORKY GANGLY KID WHO WAS A FEW YEARS AHEAD OF ME IN HIGH SCHOOL AND GAAAAHDAAAAAAAM HE'S OLD NOW AND SO AM I.

It was the EXACT feeling of seeing a high school person on the internet and thinking they are their parent, except somehow worse? I don't know why it was worse, but in my head, Josh Duhamel has stayed 18 years old because that's how old he was when I saw him most frequently as I passed him in the halls on my way to Poltiical Science. Like, I know he has aged and I'm sure I've suffered through a movie or two that he's been in over the years, but I managed to ignore the passing of time right up until he turned into his dad/grandpa and uuuuugh. Between the scenese with him aged to a really old man and the scenes of him still being an old man ... ugh.

All of the ugh.

So, new rule! I need all of the recommendations for Netflix binges, but anything with Josh Duhamel (or, for what it matters, anyone else who went to Minot High School in North Dakota) is COMPLETELY off the table.

Let It Snow (No, Really. MORE SNOW, PLEASE.)