Ding Dong! The Whore is Dead!
There have been two times in her short life that Alexis has eaten meat. The first time the dead critter in question was pig. She thought she was looking at her faux bacon, but it was actually the real thing. By the time anyone could warn her that she may not like it, she had shoveled a whole piece in her mouth, made a face that said, "OMG! I'M DYING! AND I HATE YOU!" and tried to spit it all back out. Since her spitting was partially unsuccessful, she went on to puke the bacon. A lot.
Truly, that was one of the best moments of my life. I enjoyed it immensely.
The second time it was pepperoni. That time was my fault because I didn't check our pizza before I left the pizza shop and then did a craptacular job of peeling all of the stuff off Alexis' slice. The end result of pizza with real pepperoni (the kid loves faux pepperoni A LOT) was pretty much the same as the bacon incident. Spectacular!
So, we send lunch to school with the kid most days, despite the fact that our school provides meals. I expect a diamond-studded tiara from the teachers any day. It's the least they can do since we're so kind as to help them avoid the dead animal puke situation.
Today was what I call a "Kinda Lunch," where the kid could eat nearly everything that was being served. It was pancakes and sausages and applesauce, so in my world, you give the kid two of the three things and call it a day. However, sometimes they get a little judgey if too many days pass without the kid eating a protein at lunch, so I opted to toss a couple of faux sausages in a bowl and send them to school.
Of course, she didn't eat them. Whatever. I grabbed the bowl out of the school fridge and gathered up the kid.
As I tossed her into the car after school, she asked if she could eat her sausage. Because, you know, the two meals and two snacks she had already eaten weren't nearly enough. I tossed her a couple of faux sausage links and headed on our way.
Then I realized I had been all meeting-ed up through the day and never managed to eat any meals myself. I made sure Alexis wasn't looking, reached down, and grabbed the last faux sausage. She wasn't around when I packed the bowl, never got a good look at the bowl, and definitely had no way of knowing how many I had given her.
Yet, a few minutes later, "Momma, can I have my other sausage?" came floating from the backseat.
AGGLE FLAGGLE KLABABBLE! I was totally busted.
"You ate all the sausage," I told her. I lie sometimes, but only when I'm afraid for my life.
"Nuh-uh. I have more," she reported.
AGGLE FLAGGLE KLABABBLE! I really was totally busted. I sensed a battle brewing, so I desperately looked around for some sort of distraction.
BAZINGA!
A random Dora hung on a fence! It was like Karma was repaying me for all the times I've spared the Latina Whore's face. She was even nice enough to put the sign at an intersection with a red light that I swear must last 20 minutes.
"Hey, look! I see a Dora!" I tried to sell the Dora thing as being the most exciting event that could ever possibly happen during a car ride home.
Alexis looked around, spotted the sign, and said, "I don't like Dora anymore."
The fit that ensued because I ate all of the kid's food? TOTALLY WORTH IT. She doesn't like Dora anymore! Woooooo!
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Reader Comments (21)
What will you do with all those plates and party favors?
@Woy--Woygirl will be having a birthday sooner or later. ;-)
~~Michelle~~
Woo hoo! Mark this day down on the calendar! I think we should have a parade!!
Freaking.Love.This.
waahhooooo!
I'm sorry... maybe I've missed something else... NOT liking bacon? The most perfect food in the world? And this is HER idea?
I would eat a muddy old shoe, if it was wrapped in bacon. Does. Not. Compute.
Huh. I make my kid eat dead animal despite the fact that most of the time she would rather not. If she keeps protesting, someday I'll try the fake stuff with her and see if it makes her happier. Personally, I just think she would rather eat nothing but crackers, fruit snacks, and waffles - I don't think it has anything to do with moral objections.
But despite making me question if I am horrible for forcing her to eat dead things, you've given me hope...someday she too might hate Dora. (Probably right around the time my youngest falls totally in love with her.)
This is awesome. Every part. How do they always know things like how many pieces of something are left? It's like they have Superman/Holmes powers of observation, and they have those powers cranked up to 11 all the time, but are selective with what they let you know they have observed.
And as for the best phrase she has ever uttered? Excellent news! We'll see if she remembers that she said that, though...you know, with those selective memories, and all.
Look! Another comment! No firewall 2 days in a row! Madness!
So. Now who are you going to buy those Dora plates, sippy cups, life size inflatables and pinatas for to disguise that you are really buying them for yourself?
*runs and hides*
Apparently beating the living daylights out of The Latina Whore at her birthday party cured Alexis of her undying love. ;)
This day will be remembered as the day the Red Sea parted; the sun shined brightly on your face and angels sang a beautiful song.
:)
I am thankful that my girls never had the Dora obsession as badly as Miss Alexis. I'm glad she has outgrown her. Now I need my two to get over Max & Ruby before I puncture my eardrums with the sharp objects I keep putting in my ears to keep from hearing Ruby's obnoxious voice.
And: my children had REAL chicken nuggets recently at daycare. I had failed to pack a lunch because it was the week of sick (I thought they were having cheese pizza that day). They did not get sick. I did not make a big deal out of it because it was bound to happen sooner or later. I'm just hoping the next time is much, much later.
@redpenmama - I can't stand Max and Ruby either. I nearly choked the day that I saw an episode in which Ruby tells Max "no no Max! No one gets in Grandma's special box!"
Remember Barney, the giant dinosaur the color of an old bruise? Dora's got nothing on Barney for legit reasons to hate a children's character.
But, congratulations! ;-)
Oh thank Karma.
I came over from Playgroups are no place for Children because your last blog that it noted was this one...and the name SCREAMED AT ME LIKE A 3 YEAR OLD NEEDING DIEGO. Yes...as I read this Diego is literally on my dang tv...(check the listing...I'm north of Seattle and it's 10:17am on Friday! lol)...That whore was on just before. The days I want to shoot myself in the face are the familia days...you know...HELL? When they collaborate? Kill me now.
So glad there is light at the end of the tunnel...at which time I should mention that my kids are 8 years apart and I have already gotten rid of Dora once...it's WAY worse the 2nd time around. Partly because now she has a cousin. Damn Diego.
Dana
Confession: My favorite part of your (awesome) post was when you went all Sheldon with your "Bazinga!" My cream-cheese and bagel almost sprayed my computer monitor. Classic.
Obviously your child and mine are born from non-bacon-eating alien spawn. I don' t get it but I like to look at the bright side...more bacon for ME!
My kids are very particular about their meat, but have thankfully never puked after eating it!
I can only imagine the joy that is living in a Dora-free world - congratulations!
@Jennifer Juniper and @Nichole--I happen to be a vegetarian, so the kid was screwed before she was even born. Unless Mr. Husband decides to cook it himself (which he rarely does), there is no meat in our house. Apparently if it's not around, you don't gain an affinity for the stuff.
Why is Dora always yelling at me?
p.s. I am lying to The Little Man right now. Why? Because the chocolates are mine:P
Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!! She can't be over Dora!
Congrats! I know you are beyond excited to be Dora free.