Seriously a VERY VERY BIG Deal. Promise.
Sometimes I wonder if we're handling this whole Our Kid is So Shy that She Would Rather Swim in Battery Acid than Talk to a Stranger thing the right way. I see other kids who are equally appalled by the thought of making eye contact with random people and how their parents are handling it and wonder, "Are we doing enough?" or "Are we doing too much?"
Sometimes I see yelling and I know we're on the right side of that fence. The grass over there with the yellers may appear green, but there's doggy land mines all over the place and it's going to get real stinky over there eventually. I know that yelling at Alexis when she refuses to participate in a group activity will just make matters worse. And THANK GOODNESS I know that because when I see people doing it, I wonder if they realize that they look like a douchebag. Um, hello? If you're yelling at your kid for having a real phobia, you're doing it because you are embarrassed. The kid is fine. It's sometimes really, really, really hard to keep the temper contained when all you want is your kid to quit crying and DO SOMETHING, but it's doable.
Anyway.
During Alexis' birthday party, I worried we weren't doing enough when she ran off to hide during the piñata festivities. I thought maybe I should track her down. I thought maybe I should try to convince her to come hang out with everybody else. I thought maybe I should at least make it appear that I cared that she wasn't around. Mr. Husband and I have agreed to ignore it completely when she turns all anti-social, just so long as she seems OK with her retreat. So, we were ignoring that she was in the family room, and I'm sure some people were wondering where the heck the birthday girl was and why we didn't seem to care.
Oh, we cared all right. Trust me. WE CARED.
And then sometimes I think maybe we're on track. Maybe.
My rule with the shy thing has been that the kid can be shy as much as she wants, just so long as she doesn't cross over to rude. That means she is required to reply when asked a question, she has to use basic manners, and then there's a whole gray/fuzzy area that changes depending on my mood. Consistency, FTW! I actually do try to be consistent, but when some old hag without any teeth and scary purple hair shoves her face in my kid's space and starts asking her 41356324 questions, I kind of have to side with the kid and let her run and hide.
It is what it is.
Tonight we stopped at the grocery store to pick up a few things to make French toast (because that's what you make when more snow is coming, or so Pittsburghers tell me). As we were checking out, one of the customer service peeps came over and asked if Alexis could have a balloon. The last time we were there and got a balloon, it floated away out in the parking lot and I had the special joy of watching my kid's face melt with disappointment, so I was quick to agree that she was due a balloon. A purple one, please and thank you and you will be my hero if you deliver.
The customer service peep returned bearing a purple balloon, and walked towards Alexis. Alexis looked up and instantly beamed as she realized the purple balloon was headed straight for her. She did a little happy hop as a smile spread to her eyes, cautiously reaching out to take the balloon directly from the stranger. As her finger clutched the balloon's ribbon, she looked directly into the customer service peep's eyes and said, "Thank you!"
And I knew we aren't doing all that bad after all.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Reader Comments (19)
That is great. It can be so baffling when your kids down respond to stuff the same way you do, isn't it?!
@molly--SERIOUSLY. She gets the shy from both of us, but she displays it differently than either of us do. She's truly scared to talk to new people whereas I just plain don't like and Mr. Husband is more of the cautious type. It baffles me how she can be so afraid of people, especially when, in theory, she does "know" some of them (like princesses at Disney World). ~~Michelle~~
You can't force a flower to grow. All you can do is water it, feed it and keep the weeds away. Eventually, if you've done your job, the flower will blossom and be beautiful when it's good and ready.
Aww, that is so huge! Good for her! And good for you, you beat yourself up enough when she has a hard time (thinking about the post when you got to dance class right on time), so you deserve a little pat on the back when she has a small triumph, too.
Awww . . . I LOVE James's comment. It is so hard to know how when and how hard to push - I am glad to hear that you struck the perfect medium with Alexis and that she responded so beautifully.
I love how you let her be herself except if her behavior becomes rude. And the "as long as she is ok with it" aspect of removing herself from an uncomfortable situation. From everything I've read about your parenting over the past few years, you are molding and shaping a beautiful, fun-loving, caring young lady. The few who are chosen to witness this will indeed be blessed.
Congrats on the breakthru tonite :)
I didn't think it was rude or weird that she disappeared at the party. I think most parents realize that you can't control your kid's behavior, like, EVER (and sometimes you can't even predict it!) Having that many people over to your house at once, all focusing on you? Can be kind of overwhelming and scary! I don't blame her :) And I think you guys are handling it just fine.
She was fine at the party - all kids wander off like that now and then. And anyone who saw a bunch of giggling kids jammed into the playhouse like a clown car knows she's doing just fine.
Well I could have told you that.
Woah, people yell at their kids for being shy? That's not right.
I have two girls whose shyness meter varies. Often they start out shy, but given time and no pressure, they tend to open up. I agree with the rude factor. My children can be shy and/or goofy with people, but they can't be rude.
The problem I'm having with Flora lately is her hearing or attention. I honestly can't tell which it is.
Anyway, Alexis is just fine. I think if you just keep on doing it the way you do it, she'll bloom.
I think you are doing a great job, and I'm totally with you regarding anti-consistency in the "scary purple hair" paragraph.
Just reading that last paragraph again, all I can say is, AWESOME.
The only thing that would've been wrong is if you followed the "screamers", yelling at their kids because they're shy. My son can be very shy, too. I encourage him to be more outgoing, but honestly, he gets it from me, so I don't push it. And yelling will only make it worse. Maybe she'll always be shy, but at least she's polite. You're doing a great job.
I struggle with this with Morgan at times. I have the same "rule"--her shyness is fine, but will NOT cross over to being rude.
My theory? You can't/don't/wouldn't force big people to do/say something they don't want to. Children are people, too. Just smaller.
Your girl is fine. She's on my list of Kick Ass People to meet (you, too, obviously!) :)
I think you're handling the situation perfectly! In situations where you feel like her absence or behavior needs to be acknowledged, all you have to do is say, "She has a phobia" or "She's terribly shy and this is how we've decided to handle it." If anyone questions it after that - well, they're the ones being rude.
I agree with you on the "Shy's okay; rude isn't" line, but I've had trouble at times correcting the rude behavior. If Gracie won't answer a question, I've sometimes tried to make her without results. Do I punish her? Sit her in a time out? I feel uneasy punishing her for her fear. I've removed her from the situation and explained to her that what she did was rude and that I was embarrassed and disappointed and hoped the guilt would correct the situation in the long run...but do I want to parent by guilt? Gah. We need a handbook to come with the babies.
@Katie--Same thing here. There are times when pushing gets you nowhere, but you can't really ignore it. It's like punching a brick wall some days . . . UGH! ~~Michelle~~
I am sure it is great to see the fruits of your labor. I am sure you are doing a good job. I know for a fact that Alexis is loved very much and you will always do your best for her. Llike the new look too.
I have to say that I completely agree with the way you're handling Alexis's shyness. I was painfully shy as a child. I took one year of ballet when I was 4ish and quit when I found out that there was no getting around having to be in the recital. The idea of being up there terrified me. I wish my parents had taken your tactics with it. They didn't yell (that I remember), but I wish they had let me know it was ok to be shy.
Even if Alexis is still just a little shy as she grows up, she certainly seems to be a bright and well-rounded little lady. Congratulations on your victory this evening!
I don't think people realize that kids get overwhelmed with tall, noisy, and loud people (aka the average adult in their eyes), and it frusterates me when people get angry at their kids for being shy. I do however, practice it with the kids. Shaking a hand, saying hello with eye contact, etc. It feels funny to practice it at home, but then they seem to feel more in control because they are actually prepped for the situation.
I was shy as a kid, and my dad was a bit obsessive about it. I get why - because he was a shy kid and saw how difficult it made things for him. But, the more he obsessed and drew attention to it, the more I retreated. I am sure that talking about it is not the answer. Doing things to improve your children's self esteem is (like dance classes).
I had a lady at church come up to me about two months ago and gush over the progress that BB has made. Gotta be honest... we haven't really done anything to promote that. Kids will do what kids will do. We had the same rules, that manners were necessary as was a reply. I didn't yell about those rules ever, just a reminder that we say hello when someone says hi. And now? HE WON'T SHUT UP.
HELP ME.
I kid, of course. I just wanted to tell you that you're an amazing mom and you do a great job with her. That's awfully sentimental for me, isn't it? Snow days have eaten my brain.
It is what it is.
Well said.
We have anxiety issues over balloons , fire and loud noises.
Birthday parties are tons of fun for us.
It is what it is. You give them skills to cope and adapt as best they can. As long as they are safe. Who gives a pumpkin if they're playing in the other room while the pinata is happening.
:)
xxoox
supah
and jim.. holy poet.
I might just not tease him today for his shakespearean comment