Day Three Hundred Fifty-Nine

One of the really interesting aspects of "legit" cyber school is that I get frequent calls from the girls' teachers to check in. It's like parent-teacher conferences, but more like monthly and generally more helpful because there's no sense of "I have other people at the door, let's wrap this up." I'm not saying that the girls have had bad teachers (... well, Mila's kindergarten teacher wasn't my favorite), but in our district, if kids are doing well, it's really hard to get time with a teacher. In fact, the last time I was offered a conference for Alexis was about 4th grade or so. Straight A's don't get follow-up.

Except now.

Both girls are hitting the straight A's. This is not at all surprising for Alexis, but Mila? Mila. Mila inherited my procrastination skills but added a healthy dose of not giving a hoot about consequences. She really super doesn't care about getting in trouble or anything like that. So grades? And school?

Let's just say the next ten years are going to be SUPER fun.

There is a lot of negotiation that goes into every. single. day with Mila. It doesn't matter that she's cyber schooling it, there would be just as much negotiation if she were getting on a bus every morning. Add in the fact that somehow She Who Procrastinates REALLY Well is somehow allegedly done with her school work every day by noon and ... huh? How is it that I keep getting good calls from her teacher?

Seriously.

I don't understand how the kid who SUPER doesn't care, the same kid who spends every minute that she's in class or doing schoolwork spinning in her chair, is somehow doing really well? As in her teacher GUSHED for ten minutes about how much of a delight she is and how well she's doing and ... I'm so confused.

The spinning in her chair thing. EVERY SINGLE DAY I threaten to take away her half-decent office chair if she doesn't quit. She waits until I walk around the corner and starts again. She spins so much and so fast that she has ripped cords out of the wall when they got caught in her chair, dropped her laptop, and broken the printer that is behind her chair about 4000 times.

Every day. Every day I ask, "What did you learn today?" and she replies, "I dunno?" SHE MEANS IT. She can't remember what she worked on because she was only half paying attention. Because spinning.

But Mila is doing well. And her teacher thinks she hung the moon. So ... win?

Day Three Hundred Fifty-Eight

It's about 17 brands of confusing that I somehow have one daughter who is an introvert and one who is an extrovert. Aren't I supposed to have two introverts? I mean, Alexis is MY PEOPLE. The kid will happily sit and read for hours on end and absolutely recharges with alone time.

I realize it's confusing that she's all in on dance and cheer and looooves performing on stage. Trust me, she's definitely an introvert even though she will happily put on a performance. I'm the exact same way. I just don't like glitter and pom poms in the same way.

AND THEN THERE'S MILA.

Mila is also my people, but with a beautiful, energetic twist. When she's old enough, she is absolutely going to be my wing man. I'll be quick to volunteer her services to talk to strangers at every possible turn and she's going to be 100% on board with it. That girl will talk to anyone at any time and she'll probably talk to them ALL THE TIME.

She talks a lot.

A lot, a lot.

Recently she is taking her repressed extrovertedness (Thanks, COVID) out on the people who see her 24 hours per day 7 days per week. She can't have lengthy conversations with strangers, but she can have conversations with herself and she can force the rest of us to be witnesses.

When I say she has conversations with herself, I mean it. She pretends to be both sides of the exchange, with altered voice and all. It never ends. If Mila's eyes are open, so is her mouth.

Which, it's fine. She's still little enough to be adorable and often you get to listen to a hilarious conversation.

Yesterday she had a conversation with herself about how VERY cute her outfit was. As in, she was all, "Mila, that is SUCH a cute outfit. You look amazing today." and other Mila replied, "Why, thank you! My mom bought it for me. Isn't the unicorn just so perfect?" in reference to the unicorn printed on her shirt. This whole thing went on for several minutes and MAY WE ALL HAVE MILA'S SELF-CONFIDENCE OMG.

After listening to this whole thing, I spoke up. "Mila, you are A LOT."

Mila replied, "That is the nicest compliment! Thank you so much!"

I'll say it again - be more like Mila.

Day Three Hundred Fifty-Seven

For the last few years, I've had one thought when International Women's Day comes around: SHUT UP. I don't direct that towards everyone, just the corporations and business leaders who talk a good game for exactly one out of every 365 days.

I ran into one of those business leaders recently. You'd think that would be impossible considering I generally stick to Target for my outings and only do that late at night when other people aren't around, but hahahalol ... omg. All I have to do is be a hot mess and I will run into someone I know.

ANYWAY.

I ran into this person and there was this awkward conversation where it became astoundingly clear to me that he had witnessed many moments when gender bias made my work life more difficult than necessary. Like, he KNEW. He saw and heard things happening and just continued on with his merry way. He was standing there telling me it wasn't right and ... ::sigh::

Silence is permission in those moments. I said as much because WHATEVER. Long story short, I ended up reflecting on the times when someone was genuinely a valuable ally to me, or times when I like to think I was an effective ally for someone else, and basically a lot of it boiled down to three scenarios.

Do these things, y'all. They matter. And they're a heck of a lot more effective than an empty social media post talking about how much you appreciate the women in your life.

Don't talk about it. Show it.

1. You can be a better ally by elevating the expertise and/or authority of your co-workers. “Mary is really the expert here. Your thoughts, Mary?” or “We need Jen to make this decision.”

I think this particular one is one of those things that's hard for people of privilege to see is happening, but it happens ALL THE TIME. I can list dozens of times that I've sat in a meeting while a bunch of white men debated a decision when it was my decision to make. I was trying to communicate a desired outcome, but they were too dense to realize I was RIGHT THERE. Like, it was in my job title that it was my decision. One time one of them even asked one of my subordinates for his thoughts and he repeated THREE TIMES, "That's up to Michelle. It's her decision," before the neanderthals comprehended what was happening.

But it worked. The fact that he continued to elevate my authority on the matter was what made the rest of the room stop discussing something they didn't have the expertise to decide.

2. Jump in when they are interrupted/talked over in meetings. “Lisa, I don’t think you were done speaking?”

I've had two co-workers who have consistently advocated for me when others refused to let me get a word in edgewise during meetings and it is MAGICAL. It absolutely has the potential to influence behavior, I think because people don't realize they're talking over women. When it's pointed out consistently and politely, they stop.

3. Make a point to focus credit when it’s due. “Thanks for expanding on Tori’s idea, David.”

One of my most finely honed skills is presenting an idea in a way that makes someone else think it's theirs. It's absolutely stupid that I'm good at it, and the only reason I am is because I have so frequently not been heard when I was offering up a good solution to a difficult problem. One especially magical co-worker forced me to stop handing ideas to others when he started drawing attention to it in meetings using phrasing very much so like, "Thanks for expanding on Tori's idea, David." It's a very polite way of elevating women (or minorities or anyone who doesn't get proper credit for their contributions) and I have stolen it. I do it every time I find myself in a position to make sure proper credit is given. It's incredibly effective.

So, thanks corporate America for all of the lovely posts supporting women today. I look forward to the day when you take actual action so that allies don't have to use little tricks like these ones. Maybe get that done before my girls enter the workforce?