Day Two Hundred Twenty-One

Hello, Internet. Do you remember Frank?

Frank is the giant spider that I made three years ago. He's still going strong, for what it's worth. Every year on his birthday Frank gets a little spray foam to touch up any bumps and bruises, and a little black spray paint to make sure he's just as handsome as he was the day he was born. Frank is amazing.

And now he has a new friend. Meet Matilda.

Matilda is a six-foot tall man-eating plant. She is GLORIOUS.

She too is primarily made out of PVC, foam, and spray paint, which I suppose makes her Frank's sister? They're definitely related.

But while Frank doesn't have a mouth, Matilda is full of bite.

I built Matilda in ten minute increments over the course of two weeks, so I didn't do a great job of documenting how it's done. That said, if you're the crafty type, I can give some hints.

• The center stem is a 2" PVC pipe. There are three other stems made from 1/2" PVC. I used the same strategy for bulking up that PVC as I did for Frank - spray adhesive, beat up burlap, and spray foam. This is my preferred spray foam, but buy it locally because it's a lot less expensive that way.

• The flowers are from JoAnn's. There are, obviously, foam balls hot-glued into the middle of each one with a hole cut for the plastic vampire teeth. I did learn an important lesson on this part - spray paint + foam is no bueno. I figured out to use a foam primer after melting a few balls and things went much better after that.

• The big center flower is made by using a T-joint at the top of the 2" PVC. Then I poked a spotlight through the hole so that it's facing forward, bulked things up all around with a lot of spray foam, and stuck a fishbowl on the front of the whole thing. Frosted spray paint makes the glass still see-through, but cloudy, so Matilda lights up quite nicely at night. The enormous petals are from tearing apart an oversized-artificial rose. Unfortunately, the only place I could find an oversized flower was Hobby Lobby, but I did use a coupon, so hopefully they don't manage to spread too much hate with the $3 profit I probably left them.

So, that's Matilda. Isn't she lovely? And the best part is I have already figured out my next friend that I'm going to build out of PVC and foam. He's going to be MAGNIFICENT. Next year. I can't find his head this year, so he'll have to wait.

As a matter of fact, yes, I am indeed building a PVC/Foam kingdom. It's the best.

Day Two Hundred Twenty

... Did we just ... give up? Is that a thing? And I didn't get the memo?

Admittedly, I very rarely go anywhere. I mean, I leave my house, but I tend to wind up in a park somewhere because I really don't need to be around people. That's an evergreen statement, by the way. I never really need to be around people. But now? HOOOBOY. I am so darn good at social distancing.

When I do go somewhere, it's probably Target because my most convenient Target is handling the dumpster fire that is 2020 fairly well. I have witnessed them kicking people out for not wearing masks, which is pretty much where my line exists. Wear a damn mask, people. It's a very small inconvenience for the sake of saving literal lives.

ANYWAY.

I had to stray beyond Target. There's a faucet in our house that is leaking, and I do mean LEAKING. The cabinet is nearly destroyed, so I can't pretend to not care. The faucet happens to be part of a matching set and the other sink is right next to it, so one faucet leaking very quickly turned into a group project. Except, I figured out that I should replace the most-seen faucet in our house and play a little Ring-Around-the-Rosie with faucets.

Look, I can never deal with things the easy way. It's what I do.

SO. One faucet. I needed one faucet, but it's a faucet that I care about. I take acquisitions like that a bit more seriously than is probably necessary. It's like a marriage, you know. I am going to be stuck with that faucet for years. YEARS. I can't just order one online. I need to stare at it in person, in full 3D beauty, so that I can make a solid commitment.

Brick and mortar. I needed brick and mortar.

I planned for the outing. It had to happen during "off-hours" because people. I still don't want to be around people. A Monday night happens to be exactly the right time to avoid all of humanity, by the way. I have confirmed this because I went to 3 Lowes and 1 Home Depot before I found one I was willing to stay in for more than a few minutes.

Why is that, you ask? BECAUSE PEOPLE HAVE STOPPED WEARING FREAKIN MASKS WTH. The first Lowe's had a gaggle of employees near the entrance, all leaning on some Halloween decorations and yammering with their masks below their chins. I legit walked in, saw that, and turned right back around. There were maybe 15 cars in the parking lot, so that's probably the only concentration of humanity I would have found, but nope. If a small gaggle of employees display signs of stupid, I have to assume all of the employees have signs of stupid.

The next 2 Lowe's weren't much better. So many employees not caring. SO MANY. So I tried Home Depot. Admittedly, I broke up with Home Depot months and months ago because I walked into one, found myself surrounded by COVID soup, and walked back out. But maybe things had gotten better with time?

NOPE.

I made it as far as the light bulbs before I noped right on out, but not before passing by two cashiers leaning on a partition at the front of the store. They were standing two feet apart as I walked by (about 20 feet away because HI, I ALWAYS AWKWARDLY SOCIAL DISTANCE). Then, suddenly, one reached up to grab her mask, put it under her chin, and then coughed INTO HER FREAKIN HAND NOT ELBOW HAND. HER LITERAL HAND. THE HAND THAT SHE AS A CASHIER WOULD USE TO TAKE AND GIVE MONEY AND EWWWWWW.

So ... we've given up? We've stopped trying to slow/stop the spread of COVID-19? That's the impression I'm getting.

(I drove 10 miles to another Lowe's in another part of town and found perfect mask compliance, fantastic employees who understood the concept of "stay 6 feet away" and all of that. I thus bought my faucet, as well as a bonus because sometimes the universe rewards me with things I want being unexpectedly 50% off.)

(I'm not going back inside a store for a looooooooong time.)

Day Two Hundred Nineteen

APPLE SEASON!

Sorry, I didn't mean to yell quite so loudly, but HEY! APPLE SEASON!

I'm one of those people who buy produce that is in season and then use it in every possible way until the next big thing starts to fill the stalls at the farmers market. So! Apples!

This might just be the easiest way in the world to make use of a Granny Smith Apple. It's possible. It's nothing more than a tube of premade biscuits, some brown sugar, a little butter, a splash of vanilla extract, and a handful of pecans.

Of course, you could make it more complicated if you wanted to. Some cinnamon might be a nice touch.

Or you could be lazy and just stick with this quick throw together Apple Pecan Biscuit.

Either way, expect to have them all disappear very quickly. They are a bit of sweet without being overpowering, so it's very easy to eat six of them in one night. Not that I would know from firsthand experience or anything. Ahem.

Apple Pecan Biscuits

1 tube of small biscuits (Homestyle, butter, or whatever flavor you like, just don't use Grands. They're too big. You ideally want 12 biscuits, but 10 would be OK as well.)
4 tablespoons butter
1/4 cup brown sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1/4 cup chopped pecans
1 medium Granny Smith Apple, cored and chopped

1. Preheat the oven to 400 degrees.

2. In a medium saucepan, melt the butter over medium heat.

3. Add the brown sugar. Stir until well mixed. Don't worry if it doesn't turn into a perfect caramel sauce. It'll fix itself by the time you're all done. Promise.

4. Add the vanilla extract. Stir.

5. Throw your apples into the saucepan. Continue to stir the butter, brown sugar, vanilla, and apples until the apples begin to soften. It takes about 3 minutes.

6. Grab a non-stick cupcake/muffin pan. Carefully spoon the apple mixture into the bottom of each cup. It ends up being about 1 tablespoon per muffin cup spot thingy (technical term).

7. Sprinkle the pecans on top of the apples.

8. Stick an uncooked biscuit on top.

9. Bake at 400 degrees for 8 to 10 minutes (check the instructions on the biscuit package and follow them).

10. Once the biscuits are done, let them cool for about five minutes. Score the sides of the pan to help prevent sticking.

11. The Apple Pecan Biscuits should come right out of the pan. Turn/spin them if they seem stuck. If any of the caramel/pecan/apple mixture is left in the pan, scoop it out with a spoon and put it directly in your mouth. You've earned it.