If Only It Were So Simple

I am itching to mix things up with my template, so instead of doing a "real" post tonight, I'm going to mess around with it. With any luck, that may mean y'all will stop catching me in the act. I know for a fact more than a couple of you have seen a new header flash then disappear, because more than a couple of you have told me to knock it off. Will do, just as soon as I get everything all fresh and purdy.

In the meantime, I'll leave you with the very wise words of a certain two-year old. This morning when I was getting her dressed for school, I asked if she was ready to go yet. Her reply?

"No, stay home. Let's cuddle."

Further proof that kids are far wiser than adults.

The Girls Have Been Up to No Good

For about a month now, the dogs have been doing the unthinkable--they have been obeying commands from the Toddler. Sit, come, stay, suddenly they do it all for her. The whole time this has struck me as really odd.

I taught both pups a number of commands when they were young and easily bribed. Jasmine (aka "The Smart One") knows sit, down, stay, roll over, beg, come, shake, gimme five, and play dead. Meg (aka "The Not Smart One") knows sit, down, speak, stay, and come. If I am the one giving the commands, they obey approximately 92.836% of the time. However, if Mr. Husband is giving the commands, the percentage drops significantly. Obviously, they know who the real boss is around here. Either that, or they fully realize that they need to stay on my good side if they want to continue to live here.

Now, if they won't listen to the guy that feeds and walks them, why listen to the short one with the chipmunk voice? You know, the one they could eat if they were to decide she looks tasty? I wouldn't really say that they "like" her. They tolerate her, and I suspect that they only do that because she has extra holes in her face that cause her food to drop to the floor all the time. Seriously, why obey her?

I think I found the answer tonight. I was making dinner, which any parent of a toddler can tell you is an, um, let's call it an "adventure." In my house, one of two things happen: either the Toddler does her best to use me as her personal tree house, or she disappears upstairs doing heaven knows what. Tonight was one of those nights when I didn't have a clue what she was up to. As I was debating whether I preferred to have my knees used as rungs on a ladder, or to find that the Toddler was putting giant powder fresh "stickers" on the bathroom wall (again), silence caused my curiousity to get the best of me. Given the fact that our house still isn't what I would call Toddler-proofed (we're waiting until she's a teenager), that was probably the right choice. Especially since I discovered a dirty little secret:

A while back, I baked a poo-load of dog treats. I had originally intended to sell them on Etsy (totally organic, peeps!), but never quite got around to photographing them. Then I stopped having the time for such crazy endeavors. So I figured I would ship some to a few friends and feed the remainder to our dogs. In the meantime, I just stuck them all in a big bag. One day when I was cleaning, I needed to move the bag out of the way and set it down in the hall. And promptly forgot about them. A few days went by and the bag did what all things around the house that are out of place tend to do, it became invisible. Despite walking by it all the time, I completely forgot about it.

Alexis must have discovered it. She, of course knew what the treats were. Apparently, she started doling out treats to the dogs whenever I wasn't paying enough attention. The bag? is over half gone. The dogs? have been bribed into compliance.

Two mysteries solved. I now know why the dogs listen to the Toddler more than they do Mr. Husband AND I know why Meg has been stinking the place up even more than usual, if that's possible.

Silly Billy Burgh Answers All Questions

It is time, peeps, to get answers to all of your burning questions. I have tracked Google searches that land on burghbaby.com and found that there is much the world would like to know. Allow me to assist in any way that I can:

Toddler takes off clothes and pees in bed -- I'm sorry, really. I just have no idea why you are here, because my Toddler would never do such a thing. *Knocks frantically on wood.*

Baby recipe evening -- You should only eat babies in the wee hours of the morning. It's a fact.

Motown pizza -- The Burgh has spoken and said that Motown pizza put the "uck" in suck. Buh-bye, so long, see ya', it is closed. If you are looking to rent that space, I suggest you open up a Jumba Juice, Baskin Robbins, Dunkin' Donuts, or Donato's. I'll give you a big wet kiss on the lips if you make it a Jumba Juice.

How to stop Toddler from running away -- I cannot help you with that one. But if you figure it out, could you come back and share some of your newfound genius?

Naked toddlers -- If there is anything that I have learned from this blog, it is that a whole lot of people are hunkered down using Google to hunt for photos of naked toddlers. Now, this I can help with. Here are your instructions, should you desire naked boy toddler photos, naked toddler photos, nude toddlers, etc.:
1. Pick up the phone.
2. Dial 9.
3. Dial 1.
4. Dial 1.
5. Wait for a friendly voice to greet. Now say the following words: "I am a sick SOB and need help. Please send the police immediately to arrest me for child pornography."
6. Help should arrive shortly. In the meantime, click the little "X" in the corner of your browser window.
No need to thank me, just don't ever come back here.

Prewash baby clothes -- For the last time, NO!

Crazy running lady Pittsburgh -- Would you believe I know EXACTLY who they are talking about? And that I get that search at least once per week? OK, then, would you believe that she has her own MySpace page, complete with photos? And no, I am not her. You won't ever see my nose running, let alone my whole body.

Hemangioma -- It probably hasn't escaped anyone's attention that Alexis has a smallish Hemangioma on her forehead. It's nearly gone these days. We did nothing to assist in its disappearance except to be patient and leave it the heck alone. This one deserves a post unto itself, so I'll leave it at that.

My mom put me in diapers for a car trip at age 9 for wetting my pants -- Well. Now. Ahem. Your Mom? She is a bit twisted. And you? Probably should be talking to a therapist rather than Google.

Will cockroaches crawl up your nose or in your ears -- Good luck with that. I'm thinking I'm better off not knowing why you want to know that.

Do all Bulldogs stink -- Yes. Every single one of them.

Mommy blowing Santa under the Christmas tree -- Ahh, my personal favorite. I don't really know what you are looking to find. Photos? A story? I got nothing. No really, I got nothing. Thanks for the laugh, and buh-bye.

Birth control Alexis -- Trust me people. You WANT one of these:

And with that, I am stealing an idea from Hope. Why ask Google when you could ask me? Here's your chance, ask me a question. Any question. I will answer each and every one this weekend.