Psst . . . Sleep is Good

Ever since Alexis figured out the trick to wandering the house at all hours of the night, she's been a regular night owl. There have been nights in the past few weeks that I have escorted her back to her bed no less than four times. There's never a fight involved. It's sort of like when a wee little prop plane accidentally veers into restricted air space. The wee little prop plane is perfectly happy to oblige the big nasty fighter planes that are sent to escort it out of harms way. My wee little prop plane goes right back to sleep without a single shot ever being fired. But as she's a Toddler and much more stubborn than that prop plane, she gives it a try again in a few hours. I guess she just wants to see if she can catch me with my Momdar turned off.

Her wandering has, thus far, mostly consisted of wearing a path in the carpet between her room and where us parental units sleep. Back and forth we go, over and over. The most likely reason for her restricted airspace is the fact that I slap a baby gate up at the top of the stairs, so there's really nowhere to go other than our room. I've forgotten the gate a few times (and promptly freaked out when I realized what I had done--the stairs are about three feet outside of her bedroom door and I fear that she will someday fall down those stairs), but I think she thinks it's there, so she doesn't bother to try heading for the kitchen to root for her beloved fruit snacks.

Except for Saturday night. Daddy was sound asleep right where he belonged. Alexis was sleeping in her bed where she belonged. I was sitting on the couch downstairs working on screwing up my blog (It ain't staying this way, peeps. While I like it and all, it doesn't feel like "home." I'm going to have to give it another go.) Alexis must have awakened and realized that there were lights on downstairs. The second I heard her door pop open, I knew I was in trouble. When I heard the familiar sounds of her bum hitting the landing and her feet sliding her forward, I rushed to shut off all the lights.

As I sat in the dark, I could hear her itty bitty feet clamber across the wood floor. She softly chanted, "Mommy" to keep the dogs from attacking. I waited. And waited some more. She had no idea I was sitting ten feet from her as she stood, still softly chanting, "Mommy." Well, until I accidentally blurted, "Go back to bed, Alexis" that is.

I slapped my hand over my mouth faster than you can say gummy worms, but it was too late. The words had been spoken. I sighed and waited for the inevitable footsteps headed in my direction. Surely she would turn into a chimpanzee, latch her arms around my neck, and start picking termites out of my hair. But a strange thing happened, she headed back up the stairs. While she did end up in our bed (Daddy thy name is and forever shall be SUCKER!), I still consider it a victory. The girl went back to bed without her fighter jet escort.

Of course, there might be a logical explanation that does not include her suddenly starting to understand the world without fighter jets. It could just be that her conscious has a voice, and it sounds an awful lot like mine.

More Questions Answered

Remember when I told you to ask me anything? Well, here's some more answers for you:

Pam asked:
1. Do you want more kids?
Yes. We are most certainly not done, but right now the Inn is full. There isn't even so much as an empty drawer where we could stick another baby. So unless someone invents a way to hang a crib out the window, we need to buy/build a new house before we add to the clan. There's also the matter of knowing that we would like to adopt an older child that we will eventually attend to. Someday.

2. Dream vacation?
A six-week tour of all things Disney. One of my goals in life is to visit each and every Disney park and so far I've got Florida, California, and Paris under my belt. Tokyo NEEDS to happen, and I need a return trip to everywhere I've been.

3. Favorite thing about Alexis? Mr. Husband?
My favorite thing about Alexis is her sense of humor. The girl dishes it out just as well as she takes it, and I LOVE it. OK, so maybe I don't think it's all that funny when she insists on slamming doors in my face, but she really gets a kick out of it, especially when it's the French door going into her room. There must be something about seeing my smashed face that's extra, extra funny. As for Mr. Husband, my favorite thing is how hard he tries to make everybody happy. It gets him in trouble sometime (fruit snacks before bed, for example), but I love that he tries.

4. I know you have lived in a lot of places- what is/was your favorite place to live?
Hands down, Pittsburgh. I love the Burgh. Orlando would be my second favorite.

5. Besides your computer - favorite daily life item you can't live without?
My bed. And -oh- how I miss sleeping in it for 10 hours uninterrupted. Shoosh with your "that'll never happen again" comments, too. I prefer to tightly clutch my pipe dreams, thank you very much.

Melissa asked:
1. If you could be anywhere right now, where would it be?
Riding the Tower of Terror at Walt Disney World. Or my bed. Both places make me very, very happy.

2. If you had 20 million dollars what would you do with it? Pay off all of our bills, buy a new house (not a mansion, my dream house does not include the need for maid service), go back to college and finish my Masters, pay for Mr. Husband to get his Masters, put back a crapload for Alexis, and then help out some of our family with the few hundred dollars that would be left.

3. If you could go back and change one decision you've made what would it be? I thought about this one all weekend and can't think of a single one. Sure, I've made tons of bad decisions along the way, but something good came of every single one. Really. I took a crappy job with a crappy company a few years ago, and it sucked all the live long day, but I met some great people there. I wouldn't trade them for not going through some of that misery. Even that time in the first grade that I got sent to the principal's office for stealing Chris's ski cap ended up having a rosy outcome.

4. If you could change one thing in your life right now what would it be? Must.buy.bigger.house. Preferably without having to give up the silly things in life like, you know, food.

5. Are you happy? Yup. What's not to be happy about? I have a great kid, a great husband, and a great job. If I could get that great house, I'd be in heaven.

LaskiGirlinquired:
1.Where did you get your sense of humor?
Without going into details, my childhood sucked big hairy donkey balls. I had two choices, revel in my misery and allow it to consume me, or look at the happy side of life. I chose and still choose the latter.

2. What do you do to destress? Hang out with Alexis, preferably coloring or reading. If she's not feeling the love, then I will read by myself. Frankly, these days her books are more fun.

3.What movie or novel title best fits your life?
Sorry to be a disappointment, but I can't think of any. I tried asking Mr. Google for ideas, but he didn't seem to want to be of any help.

4. What food do you eat that you swore to everyone else you would never, ever eat? Again, I'm sorry, but I've got nothing. I'm pretty good about not making promises to myself or others that I won't keep. There was about a ten-second window where I thought I could give up all things containing gelatin (since it's not vegetarian), but then gummy worms came floating through my conciousness, and I discarded the idea. We are talking about the person that swore off meat as part of a bet, and still hasn't eaten it 17 years later. If I say I ain't eating it, I ain't eating it.

5. What is one movie you've seen and TV show that you watch(ed) that you swear/swore you never, ever watch(ed)?
Movies? What are those? As for TV shows--Lost. I didn't watch it the entire first season because I don't like to watch new shows (I hate when I love something and then it gets cancelled). Then I swore I wouldn't get involved in something that would just leave me dazed and confused. I now sit here dazed and confused. Who or what is Jacob anyway?

6. If you could give your 18-year-old self advice (knowing what you know now), what would it be?
Lie on that college application and say you are a resident of Ohio. Use a PO Box or something. That out-of-state tuition thing is a killer.

Madame Queen wants to know:
If you had a to glue a baseball to somewhere on your body for the rest of your life, where would you put it and why?
My forehead. If I'm going to have a big ball hanging off me, it might as well be in plain view. That would have to be better than trying to conceal it and having people constantly try to figure out what I was packing. And for the love of gummy worms, what is the story behind that question?

Jenni wonders:
If you had to give up one of the following, forever, which would it be, a) tampons, b)toothpaste or c)deodorant?
I'm pretty sure you meant to add d)none of the above to that list. No? OK, then, I'd give up deodorant. There is no way I could ever go without toothpaste since I can't even take a shower without brushing my teeth first. A girl has got to have her tampons, but I'm pretty sure I'd grow accustomed to my own stench, leaving the rest of you to suffer if I was forced (at gunpoint) to get by without deodorant.

There are way more questions to be answered, but I'm going to save them for next weekend. Thanks, y'all, for playing along!

More Answers to Your Questions

Now on to more of your questions. This time, I'm answering Jen and Flea. Jen is one of the funniest people I know and thought she would be all cool and stump me. Alas, it is not meant to be.

1. Why do we drive on the parkway, and park in a driveway? I don't drive on a parkway, I drive on an interstate highway. All you Burgh people that refuse to call a road by its real name are just trying to confuse those of us that haven't lived here our entire lives. There ain't no darn sign saying "Parkway West" or "Parkway East." The end.

2. Why do you have to "put your two cents in". But it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Everyone thinks their own opinion is most valuable. If I'm telling you mine, it's worth two cents. If I decide I want your opinion, it's going to be worth half as much.

3. Why does a round pizza come in a square box? Make me a round box and I will see if I can change the world. When you're doing it, make sure there's enough room around the edges for me to quickly shove my greedy little fingers in there when I desperately want a slice, but also make sure the pizza doesn't slide around too much.

4. What disease did cured ham actually have? Typhoink.

5. How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? That is directly related to the woman's movement. Back in the day, men were polite and carried things for their women. As a man would never take the time to figure out how to make life easier (it's against their genetic makeup to simplify anything), luggage didn't have wheels. Then came the women's movement and some women tried to convince the world that men shouldn't be quite that polite. Many men became insensitive jerks and made their wives/girlfriends carry their own damn luggage. Women quickly discovered the need to facilitate the process. It was either add wheels or figure out a way to take a vacation with only one pair of shoes.

6. Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway. They need to go put on their protective contact lenses that prevent them from going blind when they have to look at stark-white flesh, fat rolls, cellulite, and wretched stretch marks. Or maybe that's just my doctor.

7. Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural? You've got two boobs, but only one you know (no need to get Google heading here for that word, you know.

8. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him? There is? Where I have been? OK, well, I'm going to guess that his Mom made up the song. You know his Mom cares, even if the rest of us don't.

9. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? He's a man. Of course he is more adept at all things mechanical/electrical than he is making holes happy.

10. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window? Actually, no, I have not noticed it. Both of our dogs LOVE when I blow in their faces. Perhaps your breath is not quite outdoors-y fresh?

11. Did you ever wonder why you are friends with me in the first place? Nope.

The last question of the day came from Flea, who is convinced that my birth certificate does not list Burgh Baby's Mom as my first name. She's onto something there, I'll adMit. While I'm addressing the question, I will say that the reason I don't use mIne and Mr. Daddy's name on the blog is purely beCause I don't want a Google search for us to come Here. I don't think anything productivE could come of a potential future employer finding out that all we ever taLk about is how we never get any sleep and that the highlight of our day would be if Alexis were to ever poop in the potty. Our last name is just common sense off limits, our first names are to make it a littLe more difficult to confirm who wE are. Our first names together with Pittsburgh would make it easy to find this blog, so I try to block that. Anyway, Flea, your answer is in the paragraph (What? You thought I was just going to tell you? No way! The guessing game was way too fun.)

Nobody asked, but I also wanted to let the world know that the reason there are two legs in pants is so that you can place each of YOUR legs into EACH of the pants legs. Failure to do so will result in frustration.