You Need to Know

- The Toddler has determined the best way to wander the house at night without having to fear what the useless watch dogs will do: Yell "Mommy" over and over and over as you walk around. Useless dog #1 and useless dog #2 recognize that shriek no matter how sleepy they are. The smart one hides when she hears it.

- The not-so-smart one has had her breed rise to the Top 10. This is not a good thing. Bulldogs are not an easy breed to care for at all and over-breeding would be disastrous. While Meg is certainly the sweetest dog of all time and makes a Lab puppy look evil, she is high maintenance. Our pup is rare in that she has very few allergy problems (it's not unusual for a Bulldog to need a special diet or to be on numerous allergy meds), but that doesn't stop her from having the "nose thing" that they all have. That wrinkly cuteness about her nose is a dark little crevice of skin on skin. Think about where you have a dark little crevice of skin on skin. Now think about what would happen if you didn't clean it every day. Much stinky, no? That's what happens if you don't wipe out the butt crack on her face as well. It gets moist, stinky, and just plain gross pretty quick. And if you let it go too long, it will turn into an infection. To make it more interesting, it's rare to find a Bully that doesn't mind having it's wrinkles cleaned out. A 50-pound bowling ball with legs can put up a serious fight if it wants to.

Anyway, if you're thinking of getting a Bulldog, do your research. Make sure you are OK with the worst-case scenario because that might just be what you get. Then research breeders until you are blue in the face. If someone is asking less than $2000 for a puppy, I guarantee that you are asking for trouble. If price is your deciding factor, I strongly suggest you rescue an older dog so that you know exactly what you are getting into. On a related note, a Bulldog breeder would only sell a puppy to a pet store if they knew they couldn't get top-dollar for the pup on their own. I have never seen a Bulldog puppy at a pet store that didn't have obvious genetic problems.

- Another Public Service Announcement: If you STILL have Jingle Bells or Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer as your cellphone ringtone, please change it immediately. The next time I hear it, the calendar better say November or I'm stealing your phone and throwing it into the river. I won't feel bad if I have to punch you to get the phone out of your hands either.

- The Toddler has slept through the night four nights out of the past seven. The whole thing is quickly leading me to believe that the best form of torture for terrorists truly is to lock them in a house with a bunch of Toddlers. If the screaming and chaotic insanity of the day doesn't get them, the sleepless nights most certainly will.

- Old Navy currently has all their clearance marked down an additional 50% off. I found three pairs of pants, a t-shirt, a sweater, and five pairs of socks for Alexis today which cost a grand total of $23. Score one for the cheap Mommy!

- Alexis turns two in exactly one week. I have zero plans so far. Procrastinate much? Why yes, I do.

(Sorry for the craptastic posts two nights in a row. I'll be more on my game when I have a bit more time. Oh, and the photo is reflections refelecting on reflections. Cool, no?)

I'm Easily Amused

After a day chock-filled with doing absolutely nothing productive, I am brain dead. So instead of doing the meme that I planned to do, I bring you Things That Made Me Laugh Today:

1. This morning Alexis, Jasmine, and I were in Alexis' room. Suddenly Alexis decided that Jasmine needed to go. So she walked over to the door, opened it, and said, "Alexis get out. Go find Daddy." I had to laugh when the pup actually obeyed. She doesn't listen to anybody else, why not the Toddler?

2. I must have set Tivo to record VH1's Rock of Love last season because I found the season premiere this morning. THAT is reality TV at it's best right there.

3. I downloaded a weeks' worth of photos to the camera and found this gem. I call it, "How you doin'."

4. I remember going to Joanne's to buy some things to make Alexis birthday t-shirt, but I do not for the life of me remember this:

(Yeah, yeah, I know. It's not safe to let kids stand in carts like that. YOU come fight with her if you are worried about it. I'd rather keep my head attached to my neck, thankyouverymuch.)

She Thought it was Food Poisoning

I work with this guy who is married to this girl who wasn't feeling quite right for months. She kept having stomach pains and, in general, just didn't feel like herself. Back in November, she started having really bad, really sharp pains so she went to the Emergency Room. The diagnosis? Hello! You are having a baby RIGHT! NOW!

Yeah. Neither she nor her husband had any clue that she was pregnant. A fun little detail is that the girl cannot possibly weigh more than a buck ten soaking wet and carrying a Bulldog. She's LITTLE. Anybody else wondering how the heck that happens? I mean, I have heard of overweight women not showing, but a skinny little thing? How? And holy lifestyle change, Batman!

Anyway, I have been marveling at this whole thing for two months now. My brain quite simply cannot wrap itself around it. Now, I can understand why the husband didn't realize what was going on; Mr. Chatterbox is usually so busy talking that he doesn't know other people are in the room. But how did she not know? First there's the appearance thing. The man on the moon could see that I was pregnant two years ago without even getting out his telescope. 65 pounds and ALL belly will do that. I'm guessing she probably didn't gain that much wait, but still. Then you've got the heartburn, nausea, sleeplessness, swelling, constipation, tiny human karate chopping your ribs, constant peeing, tiny human kicking the crap out of all of your vital organs, and all the other joys of pregnancy. Huh? What? Eh? How do you not notice these things?

I wonder endlessly about the how, but then there's also the whole idea of not having a little time to adjust to the idea of being parents. This was their first kid, so it's not like they were adding to the Duggar clan. They had to buy all the things that come with kids, suddenly stop getting sleep, and, and, and . . . the list of changes just goes on and on and on.

I would love to ask the guy all of the questions that run through my mind every time I see a photo of his daughter in his office, but like I said, he rarely notices that anyone else is in the room. However, I found out today that his wife may be at an event next week. The filter that stops by mouth from saying things my brain thinks it shouldn't malfunctions frequently, and apparently the warranty is no longer valid. This could be a problem. I'm pretty sure I'm going to spew some WTH? and How do you? kind of questions that would offend anyone that seriously has got to feel like they are the victim of the world's biggest practical joke.

On one hand I'm hoping she doesn't show up because I just know she's going to want to kick my butt after I ask her 6,000 questions (good thing she's smaller than me, I should be able to take her). On the other hand, the answers to so many of my life mysteries could end up solved. Perhaps I should start writing my questions down and have everyone I know edit them for rudeness. Maybe that would work . . . if she shows up.