I'm Trying Not to Laugh, Really I Am

Mr. Husband: "How are your eyes?"

Me: "Why?"

Mr. Husband: "I have pinkeye."

Me: "Nice."

Mr. Husband: "I think I had it yesterday, too. At least I'm not contagious anymore."

Me: "Yes you are."

Mr. Husband: "No, it's been 24 hours."

Me: "You're contagious until you've taken antibiotics for 24 hours."

Mr. Husband: "Oh. What should I do?"

Me: "Go to the doctor."

Mr. Husband: "I don't go to the doctor."

Me: "You do now."

Mr. Husband: "What do I do?"

Me: "You call the doctor and tell them you need to come in because you think you have pinkeye."

Mr. Husband: "How do I do that?"

Me: Pause. Think to self, "You pick up that thing called a phone and push the little itty bitty numbers in the correct sequence and voila! you talk into one end and listen with the other. It's magical."

"I'll email you the phone number."

Mr. Husband: "I'm not going to the doctor. I have a phobia."

Me: "You're going to the doctor. Pinkeye doesn't go away on its own."

I don't think I have to tell you how crazy this conversation made me. Fortunately, the man realized that I might just be right (big shock there) and managed to go to the Doctor's office. How he made it all the way there all by his lonesome self, I really don't know. Poor guy still needs mothered from time to time.

Random is All I Can Muster

- I do apologize, Internet, for I have ignored you today. I have a valid excuse, at least in my approximation. I took a little trip over to Chicago for a meeting and a chance to play in a really big mud hole today, and didn't bother to bring my laptop along. The withdrawal symptoms became evident well before lunch and I'm still trying to find something to cure the shakes. Oh Internet, you're an addictive one. I promise to never go cold turkey on you like that again.

- When I dropped Alexis off at daycare today, I learned that there was a logical explanation for the thing that happened yesterday. Crazy Daycare Lady isn't too good at that new-fangled math thing. As she was apologizing profusely for the tight quarters, she mentioned that they previously held the program at the daycare center. But since it can only hold about 75 people, she wanted to move it to somewhere that would hold 100. Her rationale for that number was that each child was likely to have, on average, four fans attending the show. There were 40 kids. Last time I checked, 40 times 4 comes out to just a few more than 100. Add in the kids themselves, and well, there you go. Yes, Virginia, it was that packed.

- While I was in the airport, I was reminded that I am good people and that many travellers are jerks. While standing in line at security, a woman unknowingly dropped a $20. I was a little too far back to get her attention immediately and before I could get to the cold hard cash, a gentleman picked it up and shoved it in his pocket. He wasn't amused when I told him, "The lady in the grey sweater dropped it." He forked it over to her, but I know he was cussing me out in his head. Karma's a mean one, Mr. Grinch.

- Somebody who lives in my house (and is not 32-inches tall) claims to be quite the Scrooge. And yet, when I arrived home earlier this evening, every single Christmas tree was lit, each fiber optic atrocity was glowing, and not a single Christmas candle was dark. Unless the Toddler has taken to playing with lighters when I'm not around, I do believe I need to call bulls@#t. Dude, you like the Christmas Kingdom and you know it. Just admit it already.

- Mistletoe is not a requirement when two creatures really love each other:

The Perfect Recipe for a Miserable Evening

For this recipe, you will need:

A room big enough to hold 75 people
Approximately 40 Toddlers (be sure to grab a good assortment of 1, 2, 3, and 4-year olds)
A heaping mound of parents
A handful of siblings
Several dozen grandparents
A few cousins
A smidge of aunts and uncles
A touch of neighbor's sister's ex-husband's dentists
Anybody else that I may have missed
68 camcorders
3 dozen cupcakes
2 dozen cookies
4 dozen bottles of water

Note: Be sure to start cooking this recipe at 5:45. You need to make sure that all of the people are good and hungry before you begin.

Preheat the room to 75 degrees. Add in all of the people, making sure to pack them tightly; most should be standing shoulder to shoulder and unable to see anything other than the head in front of them. Place the cupcakes, cookies, and water on a table way at the back of the room so that they are nearly inaccessible. Next, separate the toddlers from the parents. That should trigger some of the toddlers to start screaming and crying. Next, move the toddlers to the front of the room and try to get them to sing a song or two. Stir, then repeat. You'll notice a lot of jostling and shoving amongst the camcorder operators; this is normal. Once the room temperature reaches 80 degrees, take two aspirin because you'll have a massive headache.

The end result:

Credit for this recipe goes to Crazy Daycare Owner Lady