A Flashback To That Which Is Done And Over
As I pulled the door open on that cold January day, I realized things were not going to go as I expected. The boy with the bright brown eyes stood before me as a car disappeared around the bend. I had never met the boy, nor his parents, but there he was. He was ready to join Alexis' birthday party. He really had no choice since his parents hadn't hung around long enough to make sure he was OK with it.
It happened again and again. One kid after another after another appeared at the door, unescorted as they had been dropped off by parents I had never met.
WEIRD.
Or maybe I'm the weird one. I wouldn't drop my kindergartener off at a birthday party unless I knew the parents AND absolutely had no choice. In fact, Alexis has been to exactly two birthday parties without me, and both times it was most definitely because of an emergency sort of situation.
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My expectations were based on what I knew of Alexis' classmates. She attended a very small private Christian school for kindergarten. I haven't mentioned that fact publicly for a number of reasons, but at the top of that list is that I don't particularly feel like discussing the details involved in that decision. It wasn't an easy one, but it was the best one we could have possibly made under the circumstances and given our choices. We saved a ton of money by following that route. More importantly, it was academically fantastic. Absolutely FANTASTIC.
However, there were ... problems. One of those problems floated through my mind as we prepared for Alexis' 6th birthday party way back in January. The school has very strict standards for acceptable behavior. They employ the red/yellow/green light behavior charts, and Alexis found herself on yellow more than a couple of times.
But, here's the thing--Her worst offense, as reported by her teacher, was the day that a kid was teasing her and she turned and said, "Please stop being a pest."
Name calling is bad. Definitely. But, really, if I'm going to pick a way for my 6-year old to respond to someone bothering her, I think that's it.
In my mind, I had added up all I knew about acceptable behavior for that group of kindergarteners and decided that I was about to go through the Best. Birthday. Party. EVER. If calling someone a pest is "bad," then I was all set for a bunch of compliant, agreeable little kids.
YES.
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It took less than five minutes for me to discover I was wrong. As kids ran through the halls, throwing balls and yelling at the top of their lungs, a wave of confusion and horror overtook me. Who were these kids? And why were they such jerks? WHY WERE THEY BEING SUCH PESTS?
The party went from bad to worse in record time. I have successfully built a mental block around all of the nightmares that happened that day, but I do remember a point when I walked into the family room and found six kids holding couch cushions above their heads as they screamed promises of retribution and torture. I turned around and walked right back out of the room. I sat down at the dining room table with my friends who were also at the party and just stared into space.
We had twice as many kids at our house for Alexis' 5th birthday, but about half as much noise and 1/100th the drama. Don't even ask about the broken stuff. We've had countless parties with countless kids at our house over the past three years, but stuff has been broken at only one shindig. That birthday party. The one with all of the kindergarteners from the Christian school.
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Later, my friends and I sat gathered around the dining room table trying to understand what had just happened. Their kids and Alexis were still busy playing, but peace reigned supreme over the house. It no longer sounded like there were 500 demon spawn running in circles, but more like a manageable 5 or 6 of them.
We debated and discussed and then someone volunteered an answer that was the closest thing to sensible my poor brain-damaged head could handle. Is it possible that kids who are accustomed to super strict behavior restrictions don't know how to handle themselves when the leashes are loosened? I've thought of dozens of examples of people I knew in high school who perfectly fit the theory, but who knows.
All I know is that we will NEVER EVER EVER again invite the kids from the Christian school to our house. I'm afraid they'll burn it down if we do.
Monday, July 2, 2012
Reader Comments (12)
I never leave my kids at a birthday party, not even my almost-4th-grader. Mostly, that's because we live AT LEAST half an hour away from all events so by the time I would drive home I would have to turn around and go back. (I did once leave for about 25 minutes to run an errand but I know all of the kids/parents now).
Let me just make one defense: When people hear the term "Christian" they automatically expect certain things. Yes, Christians are supposed to be more Christ-like (that's the definition) but most often fall far, far short. Even Christians try harder to pretend to be perfect, all the while knowing we can never be. There's no way those kids should have been dropped off. We had a birthday party for our Oldest Boy when he turned 6 and all but one set of parents stayed (oddly enough, the mother who left was the one who shouldn't have - her son ended up with a fever/ear infection DURING the party!). Did you include the parents on the invite? Maybe they didn't feel like they were supposed to stay? I dunno.
Wow! I am shocked that parents dropped off their children without knowing you, without walking them to the door, without even staying for a few minutes. I am also shocked by the behavior, not because they all attend a Christian school, but because my children and the people they are friends with would never behave that way. That is not to say they don't get wild and crazy. They would just never be that disrespectful of someone else's property.
I have another theory. One based on the fact that I go to church with those very same kids. (I'm sure they must be.) While I know they are angels at school, and they behave somewhat nicely in Sunday School, when they are at my house they are definitely demon spawn. I have stopped entertaining church friends, and it saddens me. But seriously, when your kid smashes my kid on the head with a baseball bat and you see and and don't even make him apologize, what other option do I have? The horror stories could go on forever. My theory is that these kids are allowed to run rampant at home, because I've been to their homes and know how it it there. It's also why those parents drop off the kids at the curb and peel tires pulling out. They're grateful for someone else taking the responsibility for their lack of parenting for an hour that weekend.
When we were in school it was an unspoken understanding that the "preacher's kids" and the cops' kids were the ones to watch out for. I think it's what you said about having such strict limits that they really let go when the reins were loosened. Imagine my dismay when my teenage daughter's first boyfriend was the son of our minister...
I think your theory is correct.
Also think it is very weird that that many kindergarten parents would just drop off their kids. Sabrina is going to a party on Saturday around the corner from us and I know the mom. I still won't leave here unless there is a compelling reason to do so. Some of it is for my piece of mind and some of it is because I think it is unfair to saddle a mom with 6 or 7 extra kids and then gleefully walk away.
I would never leave my kindergartener son in a birthday party by himself, it is possible that these kids don't know how to behave because the tight rules at school but it is also possible that they don't know it because they parents never taught them, and if they dropped their kids like that, I am sure they don't really care much what their kids do at a stranger's house.
Yeah, I found the kids at Blakes Christian High School played the Eddie Haskel roll. All sweet and polite at school and in front of parents but they partied their tails off when by their self. Blake went to a party and people wouldn't stop offering him beer even though he said not thank you a million times. He didn't really go to parties after that. It wasn't really his thing.... at the time. Now he's in college. ;-) To my knowledge he doesn't drink and drive because my brother died doing that and it about killed me as well. He told me that my brother is why he didn't drink in high school.
My boyfriend went to a catholic high school, and agrees with your theory. He has seen so many people who were so tightly constrained while at school/church that once out of that environment, they didn't know how to behave, or react in the real world. Same with kids who are strictly homeschooled. When parents don't give their children a balance in their lives I think is when you see the acting out, and really pushing/blasting through boundaries.
OK I was Catholic school taught 12 years as were many friends & I disagree with the generalities but I also think that the school they go to is not the issue. B/c how many other kid go to that school for reasons other than they want a Christian based education? There are a bunch of non-Catholics at my daughter’s school b/c they need full time kindergarten. So I can’t assume b/c they go to private religious based school they will act a certain way all the time?
This is JMO, but I don’t let my kids go to parties when I don’t know the kid or the parents. And we don’t have kids parties until they are old enough to have friends that they can invite, that I know & and know their parents. That way the parents don’t need to stay if they don’t want to or if I need them I’ll ask them either in the invite or a follow up email/ call b/c I think their kid can get out of control (or they tell me). But if I need an extra set of hands, I’d enlist my friends/family to help and not the kid’s parents. B/c frankly, if I invite your kid to a birthday party I am saying, “send your kid and I will take responsibility for them”. I’m not saying, “I’d like your kid to come but I don’t feel like I can handle all the kids so you have to come to”. And I feel like I can do that b/c I know the kids. If I have a bunch of kids and a bunch of parents I will need to entertain you and feed you & that is not the point of having a kids birthday party. That’s the after party I have for my friends and their kids!
I’m in the clear minority but my 6 yr old was invited to 3 parties this year and I didn’t stay at one of them. For the same reasons, I felt totally comfortable with the mom and the kids and the mom was fine with us staying or leaving. But if they or my daughter wanted me to stay I would & I have no problem with other parents staying. But working full time my free time is limited so the last thing I want to do is spend it at a 2 hr princess party. And lastly I have to say that I know plenty of public school kids that act the same & Christian school kids that are perfectly behaved. Maybe they went crazy b/c they are 6-7 year old kids ?
Yes you are in the minority. There is no way I'm leaving. It's not just about the kids behavior, but how do I know what goes on in your home if I've never met you. A teacher not far from here, a TEACHER, was found to be participating in child pornography. There is also the matter of gun safety. How do I know you don't own weapons? Or if you do, that they are properly stored? We're talking about kindergarteners. At that age, they cannot be trusted to keep themselves out of a dangerous situation.
@Sheila--I'm pretty accustomed to the crazy that is a large group of 6 and 7-year old kids. This was something ... different. Bigger. Worse. More mind-blowing. It was like the difference between a high school basketball team and the US Olympic team.
lots of non christian parents put their children in christian schools. and lots of parents, regardless of religion, expect schools, christian or otherwise, to make their little darling into a perfect person. i have a feeling this situation, where parents you never met didn't stay, is the result of the parents needing a break from their little darlings because they are raising assholes. probably has nothing to do with the specific school. i blame the parents, not the school.