A Little Message for Miley
Oh, Miley. Why must you cause me such déjà vu?
I'll be honest. The Vanity Fair photo drama? I snored through all of that. Whatever. Annie Lebowitz takes photos that are a little on the edge, and that's all they were. There's nothing slutty about a little girl with her back showing. When people got all uppity over your alleged "pole dancing" in the Teen Choice Awards, I rolled my eyes. You were just a kid dancing and if people saw more than that, it was in their heads. Or so I thought.
WAY TO PROVE ME WRONG.
Not long after that came the faux lesbian kiss, which WTH? Can you say not at all shocking? Do you not realize most of us have seen this show before? I mean, we know exactly how it ends. Just ask Britney, Christina, and Madonna. Speaking of them, let's just go ahead and use them as Most Recent Example of How This Show Ends.
First . . . Madonna. Look, she was never a Disney product, never pretended to be squeaky clean, and really has been pushing the envelope, so to speak, since the beginning of time. Consistently out there, that one. And that's why it has worked. The people who were fans way at the beginning have never had to question why they liked her in the first place. She has always lived up to expectations, even while finding new ways to drop a little shock and awe.
As for Britney and Christina, well then, this is exactly where you should be paying attention because DÉJÀ VU.
First, Britney. Oh, Britney, Britney, Britney. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see the parallels. She started out living under the House of Mouse and made her first millions pitching music that was the furthest thing from edgy and "adult." Then she got a little older and got a little pissy about the whole squeaky clean thing. Enter the potty-mouth-dressing-like-a-whore-drinking-like-a-fish phase. It was all very amusing right up until she started flashing her vajayjay in public, and then we all stopped totally caring about what she did musically. Frankly, the only reason Britney is even slightly relevant at this point is because we all love to stare at a train wreck. If any has-been child stars want to make TMZ.com, all they have to do is shave their heads and chase some paparazzi with an umbrella. The sort of attention maneuvers like that get aren't because we care about the star, they're because we all secretly enjoy watching people we perceive to be "charmed" fail. Think star hunky quarterback from high school. Who doesn't secretly smile upon learning that guy wound up way obese, single, and living in his parents basement until he was 40?
And then there is Christina. Frankly, if you had asked me ten years ago whether she or Brit-Brit was going to survive to see 30, I would have said that the only way Christina would be around was if she were living in rehab. Magically her bare-ass managed to find its way to a guy who seems to have helped her chill the heck out. Having a kid has been great for her. She's still pushing the Weird Envelope too far, but mostly she has been domesticated (when is the last time you saw photos of her all drunk and disorderly at a club?). It's all A Very Good Thing. But, see, if you ask me, the only reason she has managed to maintain a music career through the bad-hair-bad-choices-wild-child-shenanigans is that she really can sing. Like, really. Girl can belt out a tune better than 99.9% of the artists out there.
You, Miley, cannot.
You are far more Britney than you are Christina. That means one thing--either you're going to have to go completely bat-poo crazy and become the ringmaster of a miserable-existence-of-a-circus, or you're going to disappear. Your audience, the people who have given you all that money you're spending on hooker dresses now, aren't going to stick around if the show isn't crazy enough. And really, faux lesbian kisses between cusses while dressed like a prostitute? Not enough. I mean, it's enough for me to ban you from La Casa de Burgh Baby, but it's not enough to get the attention of that 17-year old angsty teenager with a few bucks to spend. That teenager has street cred to worry about, and showing too much skin just isn't enough to make him or her forget all about that silly little ice cream song.
We've seen this show before, so either skip straight to the mental breakdown or spare us all the fake drama. It's just plain boring.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Reader Comments (10)
I've been thinking that Miley has been all bitter and jealous of the up and coming Disney stars lately. If she thinks it's called Growing Up, she has another think coming. I was never her hugest fan, but it's downgraded itself to Can't Stand The Witch. Her bread and butter comes from wearing the wig and schmoozing preteens. If she can't figure it out and stay put, she deserves to sink.
End rant.
My husband watched the Party in the USA video on YouTube and said it made him feel uncomfortable. That's the extent of our awareness of Miley. That said, this post was very enlightening and well stated! I wonder why it is that none of the male Disney products ever splash out and go "bat-poo" crazy like the girls do? Hmmmm...
For a while, I thought that Miley was a singer that was being exposed (as a marketing ploy to boost record sales) as a television asset. But it's interesting how in Sunday's Post-Gazette there was a retrospective on Chad Hermansen who was a phenom powerhitting shortstop in the minor leagues that in the harsh spotlight of major league baseball, had defensive deficiencies that forced him to move to the outfield, but couldn't hit major league pitching anywhere near the level required of a starting outfielder. Miley clearly cannot act. Even her laughably inept father is measurably more believable as a thespian. But the acting had never showed any promise. What clearly has her reaching for the hype and gimmickry now is how badly she has regressed as a singer. She has gone from a potentially promising youngster to a screeching hack with nothing but name recognition and a fortune badly invested in hideous costumes. What I think is most disappointing, however, is that even when Britney melted down, it had some authenticity and honesty to it. For all her faults, at least in her worst moments, Britney appeared to be genuine, USDA inspected white trash. It was a smelly pile of refuse, but at least it was authentic and genuine trash. Miley, even in the process of a career disintegration, seems to be barely going through the motions without even the least of efforts to do it with a scintilla of originality.
That whole family is effed. When you have a 9 yr old designing a line of lingerie for pre-teens that should be the most enormous red flag imaginable. Miley doesn't really stand much of a chance. At least so far she hasn't started boozing or drugging.
But she's made such an a**load of cash from her craptastic ventures through the House of Mouse that no matter what happens, she can afford the very best of treatment for it.
Personally, I think Disney puts so much pressure on their stars to be a certain way (all american, squeaky clean, christian, etc) that it's almost inevitable that some of them will crack under that pressure. It's more inevitable that the girls will do it because we, as a society, expect girls to be pure and virginal until the day their Daddies give them away at the alter. If boys turn into manwhores, they're just "sewing their wild oats" and we all look the other way. There isn't as much pressure for them to be as perfect.
Re: my above comment. That was pre-morning coffee. I do actually know that the phrase is supposed to be "sowing wild oats." Eesh.
I adore you.
Honestly, I got to the middle of the piece and was afraid we might not be able to be friends. "What if she disses Christina to no end," I worried. You see, Christina is my girl. She may be weird at times. But I'm weird. And her voice is freaking amazing. So, whew, I'm glad we can still be friends.
I've been able to avoid most Miley news/songs/etc because we just listen to the Toy Story soundtrack 409385946896 times per day. Though I do have a post coming up about Disney marketing ploys.
Here - Here!
Poor Miley IS trying too hard to shake the Hannah Montana off of her. She really needs to find a middle ground and maybe just maybe she may not fall into the Britney trap.
Now Christina - WOW she will always weather the storms of time. There isn't an artist around or us plain folk either that can EVER say that girl cannot sing. She definitely has a true gift and knows how to use it.
This summarizes my thoughts on all of them: Madonna, Britney, Christina, and Miley (right down to the part where I too was on the wrong side of the destruction predictions for Britney vs. Christina).
Miley is a little girl with low self-esteem creating a lot more little girls to have low-self esteem.
So well said. I hate watching these girls slide down the slippery slope of one-upping themselves with their sexuality. Ruined before they've even begun. Show business makes people crazy. I have no idea how people let their children do it.
Love the pic. It says to me, "You said Silly Ice Cream Song - where's my ice cream?!"