A Well Stocked Toolbox
Does Amazon have sort of Creeper Watch List? I wonder because usually I get orders from there crazy fast, but when I finally managed to order an entire stack of books about sex (An entire stack because you can never have enough books filled with naked cartoon people. Obviously.), it took forever for them to show up. In the meantime, Alexis kept asking and asking and asking how babies get in a mommy's tummy. I was starting to worry that delaying was turning it into a Big Deal, which was exactly the opposite of what I was trying to do. Anyway, I'm probably on the Creeper Watch List because there are a LOT of books about sex in our house now.
After reviewing them all, I decided this one was exactly what the doctor ordered (for now):
It directly answered her question, but was more focused on the theme that all of your bits and pieces are yours and you don't really need to be flashing them all over town, even if it is Mardi Gras and you have an affinity for crappy plastic beads. It was perfectly age appropriate, completely straight-forward, and didn't have a whole lot of text, so I was able to fine-tune the content to be even more appropriate for She Who Asks Too Many Questions. (Pics of every page of the book are on Flickr because I like to see how many Creeper Watch Lists I can get on.)
The initial conversation with Little Miss Wants To Know It All went about as well as I expected. That is to say, I was all sorts of squirmy as she pointed at a picture of a cartoon penis and declared it "silly looking," but, c'mon, truer words have never been spoken. She asked a few questions, I answered, it was all a Very Not Big Deal.
Which was exactly what I wanted.
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I was making dinner when Mr. Husband burst into the room, glaring at me. "I forgot to tell you," he started. "Your daughter . . . she . . . last night . . . " he stammered.
The pained look on his face left me with the impression that our daughter had stabbed his dog with a unicorn horn. It was a mixture of horror and fear and awe, an odd and confusing combination. I made an annoyed face at him and continued to throw together the vegetable paella.
Finally regaining his composure, he blurted out, "Last night, your daughter said babies come from here," he gestured wildly with his hands, leaving me with the impression that his underwear had caught fire.
I tried very hard not to laugh. I failed.
"What?" I asked. "She wanted to know, so I told her." It's no secret that I love to see the man squirm.
"Why couldn't you just tell her that magical fairies get them from storks who live in a hospital or something?" he asked.
I didn't bother to answer, mostly because I would have admitted that any and all stress of having to deal with doing The Talk with her had just melted into a pile of AWESOME because now she has a whole new arsenal of tools to use in her crusade to make him crazy.
SCORE!
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Reader Comments (35)
Yeah...and you call me evil! I bow to the queen!
OMG - too funny. When it was time to talk to Christopher (about more than just the little kid basics), Ed insisted that HE should do it. I saw them outside raking leaves & spotted Ed making the patented SNL Dr Ruth motion & about died. Needless to say, I handled it a little better later. Strangely, Emily - who wants to know everything about everything - has asked no questions about how the baby gets in - only how it gets out (vagina!), so I haven't really thought too much about it, but now that you mention it - I guess I should.
Love that it made the Husband squirm!
I love watching husbands squirm when anything at all sex related comes up regarding their little girls. When S was 1 1/2 or 2, she had a Winnie the Pooh that was like an old school Glo Worm - hard plastic face, lit up and played music when you pressed the tummy. She was firmly in the "if it feels good do it" stage and apparently decided the humping Pooh felt good. It wasn't sexual to her - it just felt good. I didn't think much of it because I knew it was normal. We went to Pgh and put her in a Pack N Play in our hotel room and Steve wigged out "What is she doing?!?" I told him. He was so freaked out. I laughed to the point of tears while making jokes that Pooh movies weren't going to be rated G anymore and that Pooh would be banned from WDW and other Pooh losing his innocence jokes.
I admit I am totally chickening out on this one as long as possible. The 6 yr old is currently satisfied with the explanation that we "got him at the hospital." There is even photographic proof!
But that first book looks like a great find, I'll have to get it.
Also, vagina. Just to make you happy :)
The only thing I can muster...AWESOME. I laughed so hard, the entire house heard me :) nothin like freaking out Mr. Husband. Too funny!
I can't stop picturing Mr. Husband gesturing wildly. I wish I could have seen it in person!
I noticed that all of the penises in that book are circumcised. It doesn't surprise me or anything, but I'm not totally sure how I feel about it.
Mr. Husband should be thanking his lucky stars that HE didn't draw Sex Ed duty, so he's off the hook. All he has to do now is sit on the porch and polish his guns, when Alexis's dates come to call.
Ugh.... I am NOT looking forward to this. Mainly b/c I don't ever remembering having any of these kinds of conversations with my parents. (Not sure if I blocked any conversations out, or if my parents were just wimps and let 7th grade Health class do the "dirty work.") BUT that means I have no idea how I want to approach this with my own kids.
hahaha! This is awesome!
I made it through that age relatively unscathed. The now 11 year old boy's questions are all kinds of worse. However, he always makes sure he follows them up with, "You said you'd rather me ask you than to find out wrong information from my friends." (Damn. He listens.)
That is way better than the week we had 3 years ago (yes, a 5 year old!) where she was working her way to a panic attack because she never ever never wants to have a baby of her own. And I got that duty because my best girlfriend there, Mr Mumple, freaked when she started asking him about it. At least she's asking questions, and not totally freaking out and panicking without asking anything...and of course, said freak out means that she's not listening anyway!
@Carly--It also didn't cover c-sections, surrogacy, fertility issues, same-sex relationships, twins, etc.... I saw it as the starting point of ten or so years worth of conversation, so we'll get into all of the nuances as they come up and are appropriate.
BTW, I checked the other three books that were sitting on the shelf...all had the same issue with the pictures. Not sure what that means.
@Andrea--My parents pawned the whole thing off on a friend of my mom's, who I STRONGLY disliked. They did it way too late, plus with her, it was AWFUL. That's part of why when Alexis first asked about the whole thing I made myself think about how I wanted to handle it all and just dived in. Sort of.
You just sold me on this book! My 4 1/2 year old son only knows about boy parts, mostly because I'm not willing to be an anatomy model for him and he asks about my "girl penis" often. He's no longer satisfied with my stock answer of "the doctor takes the baby out of the mommy's belly" he's progressed to How? Through the belly button? Does he break your belly open?
Damn kids. I don't know how you read that book with a straight face!
The penis tallk around here has been endless since The Boy came along. Flora cannot contain either her giggles or her questions, most of which amount to: "What is THAT for?"
I'm going to check out that book. I've been as straightforward and age-appropriate as I can, but I think I need a little assistance.
kate at this point could care less. And Michael doesn't care, either, obviously, as long as everything is clean and dry.
I think I'm going to grab that one too.
BB's questions are totally catching us off guard. I have a funny blog post coming. It would be funnier if my voice squeak could be included in the blog post.
i'm so proud of you for dealing with what made you uncomfortable (i won't even beat you up about why something so natural is uncomfortable for you). and i love that you are teaching alexis that she can come to you for anything.
since my mom went to nursing school when i was young she was all kinds of matter of fact about it. and when i was older she was certain to put the fear of pregnancy or disease into me. but i was so comfortable talking to her that i was able to put her on the phone with my friends who had it wrong ("mom, please come tell susie that she can't get pregnant from oral sex...but that she can get a disease that will make her lips fall off!"). as adults i would still thank mom every once in a while for being so open and accessible for me.
PS to Michelle and Carly: It's Not the Stork has uncircumcised penis pictures. And talks about adoption, same sex parents and c-sections.
It's VERY wordy. And above what BB needs right now. But OMG, I'm in LOVE with the book. (Post on that coming soon.)
And because I'm comment spamming you, I wish I would have had hello haha narf's mom. For serious.
and just like that, firemom reduced me to tears at my desk. i miss her desperately.
but thank you.
Haha!!!! That is so awesome. Too funny.
I find it so weird that non of my boys are the least bit curious about where babies come from. Fine with me, but perhaps I should get that book now in anticipation for it. ;)
Too funny. Now that my son is almost 13 (!) we've graduated to some pretty serious & open conversations. It took a lot of practice on my part to get comfortable talking about it, but it's finally gotten easier. For now.
I noticed how Alexis suddenly became YOUR daughter - hilarious!
@Leslie--She's always mine when she's making him miserable and his when she's losing her temper. What's fair is fair, after all.
This made me smile...
we are a VERY frank family. Since Genny was sexually abused I had NO IDEA how to handle these things, when they came up... then I realized that she had a brother and sister who were in high school and transitioning into adult life SO it actually got a lot easier. We had an open dialogue and she now knows at home is safe to talk about/ask anything. And we answer her, referring to things and body parts with their real names, honestly... It's been really healthy and good, even for the older kids because they know this is a "safe" zone...
But God help the random dinner guest who might be completely caught off guard! Eeek..
We would take turns answering any questions my son had. We always thought it was funny to put the other one on the spot. He got the how are babies made. he got all of his anatomy books out... then when I was tucking him in that night I had to explain what happened to the eggs that didn't get fertilized......Nice!
So, I would make him get the next question. hahaha
Dude. Sex talk happens in the car with older kids! That way the kids don't have to look you in the eye and they're trapped and can't run away! That's how my mom did it!
Also, as my psych of sex professor would say. "it's not an opening! ITS A POTENTIAL SPACE!" in regards to ladyparts.
My two have asked questions like this before but most of them came from the kids looking at my textbooks. I am a nursing student and in one box the chapter on sexual reproduction had a nice blown up pic of a sperm next to an egg and of course my kids wanted to know what the cool looking things were. I explained that men have sperm and women have eggs and the egg and sperm meet and a baby is formed in the mommy's uterus, not her tummy. Luckily thats as far as their questions went but im prepared for more... This was when they were in preschool and of course the next day they went to school and announced their new found discovery to their teacher and classmates. I was like "what? Im not going to lie to my kids" I kept it age appropriate. I believe if you start the sex talk from birth (talking about private parts and why we keep them private) that once they become teenagers and need real answers your halfway there. LOL
crap well that book throws my babies come out of my special place excuse out of the water. I didn't see special place written once in that book.
Bwahaha!
I loathe these questions. I'm hoping that because I've got boys, they'll hold off asking questions.
Now, who wants to bet Deacon asks when he turns four, just to spite me?
It's a good thing we know that our lives are joined in parallel universes or something because when you started talking about The Talk and Alexis, I knew to prepare myself. And sure enough, Gracie told me a few nights ago that babies come from eggs inside the mommy ("So even though we're mammals, technically we do come from eggs." Well thank you, 7-year-old). So last night, while Bee was in the front room otherwise entertained, Gracie and I also had The Talk. It lasted about 5 minutes and was almost disappointing it it's overall "meh" tone.
I would taunt you here about not having to get on a Creeper List, but revenge is a bitch. ;-)
My 4 year old asked me how she got into my belly and I told her that I wanted an awesome girl, so I just stuffed my belly with a bunch of awesome and out she came. So she asked, "Did daddy stuff the awesome in? How did he get it in there?" I meant that I ate like... a lot of sugar or something. Hm. I don't think I'm mature enough to answer this question either.
Oh.My.Holy.H-E-Double-Pittsburgh-Penguins-Hockey-Sticks. I seriously cannot decided which part of that post is the most awesome. Silly looking penis? Alexis is a genius. Making the husband squirm? You are a genius. Awesome. Just pure awesome.
Thanks for sharing this. I'm honestly stil scared to teach my two boys the word vagina..... They think I pee from my butt.... Good times....