BFFs with Satan's Doll

Sunday

Nov272016

I realize that I have a teeny bit of history with dolls so this is going to sound a bit like I'm crying wolf, but YOU GUYS. MILA HAS FALLEN FOR A HELL DOLL.

Let's start at the beginning, shall we?

Target. Target is the most wonderful place in all the land and thus I end up there often. Between Cartwheel and my happy little Red Card, it's the wisest place for me to purchase basically everything. So I do. Often, I have Mila with me.

Mila is not easy to shop with. The challenge is that she has a problem with being caged in a cart, but she also has a challenge with staying in the same zip code if I let her run free. She's a runner, that one. For about a month, getting through Target with her has taken an extra hour because she has wanted to see "the baby." There has been a doll that has spoken to Mila's soul and she kept asking to buy it over and over and over.

Reminder: this is the kid who usually doesn't ask for things. While I automatically say "No" out loud every 14.2 seconds when Alexis is around, I don't have to tell Mila no. She will generally put things away, no matter what.

But not this doll. She has asked for it every time and then she has carried it around and then she has been sad when we left it behind.

Thus, upon discovering it was a Black Friday deal and an extra $15 off, I threw it in our cart. I could have waited for it to be a Christmas gift, but it seemed like a good time to just let her have it.

So, we crawled in the car and started to leave Target. The doll was safely tucked in its box in the back. Mila really badly wanted it right that second, so Alexis eventually grabbed it and started the unboxing. The unboxing went well until Alexis became flustered by something she described as "cheap sunglasses." I had no idea what she was talking about, but I'm good at ignoring her. So.

A few stops later, Alexis reached a point where she couldn't unbox the doll any further. There were a few zip ties she just couldn't defeat, so I took the box and worked on separating the doll once and for all. I flipped the doll over to turn it on, yanked the tab that was keeping the battery from being used, and then it happened.

A hellmouth opened up right there in my car. We were just sitting there in the Dollar Store parking lot when BAM! HELLMOUTH!

Alexis shrieked.

Mila cried.

I quickly tossed the doll and its hellmouth over my shoulder. I figure that I keep the girls safe and fed just about every minute of every day. They can return the favor from time-to-time.

Mila was TERRIFIED of the thing.

Alexis declared it "creepy."

Alexis is smart, you guys.

Let's review the story to this point, shall we? Target. We bought a doll. It was in a box that led me to believe it was a pretty typical Cabbage Patch.

I mean, if I had looked closely, I might have caught that the eyes were LED.

But, really, there was nothing to be alarmed by.

Until I took off the "cheap sunglasses." The "cheap sunglasses" were plastic fake eyes that were being used to protect the world from the hellmouth that was buried deep in the doll's soul.

SEE.

::shudder::

I SERIOUSLY HAD NO IDEA.

Neither did Mila. She wasn't just a little bit terrified of the thing, she was TERRIFIED of the thing. We finally agreed that it could stay in the car, but only if it was asleep. In the box. Far away from her.

Because its "asleep" face is so soothing and stuff.

I immediately made plans to return the doll. While I am totally cool with paying for therapy for the girls when they're bigger, I want it to be for fun reasons like the time I tricked them with mashed potato cupcakes. Genuine fear of a toy is not my kind of therapy cause.

Although, it is probably time that Mila moves to a toddler bed instead of a crib. Could I use the doll to keep her in her room at night? No?

NO. I could NOT use the doll to keep her in her room because when we returned home, the husband was all "your baby is cute" and "let's feed your baby" and YOU GUYS, HE NORMALIZED THAT FREAK SHOW.

That's how it happens. Somebody sees something and declares it unacceptable, but then somebody else is all "Maybe it's not so bad" and suddenly you're all standing around accepting this as okay.