Conspiracy Theories
I don't remember the details around how it came to pass, but I do recall that I got exactly what I wanted. In fact, I bribed Mr. Husband into doing my bidding. For whatever reason, I really didn't feel like taking down the Christmas trees last year, so I convinced him to do it.
Anybody have a time machine? Please? I need to go back in time and punch myself in the face for that.
I have a system for storing all of the tree ornaments. It's not really a complicated system. It's just the sort of system that makes it easier to get everything back out again the next year. You know how some people put their groceries on the belt at the register in a specific order so that the frozen stuff will get bagged together? It's like that. Things get put away in a sequence that will make it easier to get them back out.
And for the love of all that is sparkly and bright, the beaded garland MUST be put away neatly.
He didn't put it away neatly last year.
In fact, I think he shook the garland like a Polaroid picture, used it for batting practice, and then let the Bulldog wipe her butt all over it before he put it in the box. And then he shook it around some more.
The garland was so tangled that it took me THREE hours to untangle it. THREE HOURS. That's like three episodes of Sesame Street, you guys!
I started the project at 11:30 Saturday night with the thought that it would only take a minute or two. As Saturday Night Live faded to a really scary Bret Michaels concert, I started to realize I should just go to bed. When the Bret Michaels concert faded to an episode of Cash Cab, I started to realize I should just throw the stupid doucheface garland away and go to bed. When Cash Cab faded to Cops, I started to realize that it was much better when I didn't know just how bad middle-of-the-night TV is. I am now afraid for all of humanity because of those hours of exposure to the Dark Side.
Really, people? We haven't learned that you should NEVER take off running when you see a police officer? Seriously? Because that ALWAYS ends the same way and it's with somebody going to jail for having a month's supply of weed shoved in every crevice of their being. Walk, drug dealers! Walk!
Anyway, I finally managed to untangle the garland at around 3:00 in the morning. Sleep is for the weak! And I'm weak and wish I could manage to get some once in a while!
While I managed to untangle the beaded garland in the middle of the night, I didn't actually put it on the tree. I figured I would wait a day for that, which was a Big Huge Mistake. Just as I was about to grab the pile of silver and white sparkly things and wrap them around the tree, Mr. Husband sat down next to it and started fussing with it. As he passed it back and forth from hand to hand and back again, daggers shot out of my eyes.
"Put. That. Down." I demanded.
"What?" he asked as he grinned from ear-to-ear.
You guys, I think he tangled that garland on purpose. For that I demand a refund on that bribery. Plus interest.
Oh, and could somebody please tell this little furball that the ribbon isn't in the house purely for his personal entertainment?
Because he spent two hours pulling it off of the tree just as fast as I could put it on.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Reader Comments (5)
Most men, if asked to do a job, will do it badly enough that we will never ask them to do it again. It is their little evil genius thing.
You have not reached the depths of bad tv land until "Golden Girls" comes on. Hah.
you might be interested in knowing that i not only am happy to assist in putting up the decorations, but i'm also available to help dismantle the glory as well...will work for cauliflower cakes...
Classic passive aggressive mail chore avoidance behavior. Mine stacks anything that isn't a cup, plate, or bowl on the counter when he unloads the dishwasher. "I don't even know what that is. Where does it go?" It's a pizza cutter, genius! Oh, he's good...
My husband calls me a control freak. I say it's just me insisting that he not make my life harder in the long run. Whatever.