Contemplating Fairness
"It's not fair," I thought to myself as I watched the $5 bill pass from one hand to the other.
It wasn't that I didn't understand. I did. We were very different kids. While school came easy for me, he struggled. He had to work twice as hard as everyone else due to learning disabilities and lots of physical challenges. But, still. It wasn't fair.
$5 for that lone "A" on his report card.
I had "A" after "A" after "A" on mine. Yet, I sat there empty-handed. I didn't get rewarded for my grades because those grades were expected. Anything less was considered a failure.
In my brother's case, failure was expected. Anything above that was reason to celebrate.
Alexis has no comparison. The age gap means she won't ever look over at Mila and wonder why she is or is not rewarded for grades. She doesn't seem to know that some kids get money for good grades or that parents far and wide are trying to figure out the magic formula for encouraging their kids to try harder.
She gets "A" after "A" on her report card. It's expected. It's so expected that when she once had a 96% in Reading, I emailed her teacher. "She's slipping because she's bored. Make it harder for her." The email worked and Alexis shot up to a 100% again in no time.
Is it fair that Alexis gets nothing for good grades other than a verbal "Good job" and such? Or should we be doing something? $5 per "A" isn't happening unless we opt to give up dinner for a week, but what is reasonable?
What do you do, smart people who live in my computer?
Monday, February 2, 2015
Reader Comments (15)
I got A's way back when but wasn't rewarded with money or material things. My brothers didn't get A's but also weren't rewarded on the occasion that they did. For us, hearing a 'we're proud of you' meant far more than anything material. I never had the experience of making that decision as I do not have children but both of my brothers do and those kids all successfully made it through school without material rewards and were definitely more appreciative getting verbal compliments. You can see it in their faces when they hear 'you did great, i'm so proud of you'. They light up. When you hand them money they'd say thanks, slip in their pocket and walk away.
Are there non-monetary rewards she could get? Choices? One friend at a time sleepover? Pick dinner? Get to cook dinner? Pick what the family watches? Game you play together?
My daughter is in a similar situation to yours - to the point we had her tested for the gifted/challenge program ahead of the school's routine schedule. Now she gets challenged with advanced topics that she then gets to relate to the balance of her time in 2nd grade. It also lets her feel free to make mistakes and take academic risks where before she'd get mired down with what should be simple work because she was afraid of anything less than perfect.
Anyway, her "reward" for the hard work (emphasis mine) it takes to get all A's is a chance to pick a restaurant for the whole family to visit as a reward. She looks forward to it much more than some extra money in her piggy bank.
My spouse and I got plenty of good grades growing up, and to me what meant the most wasn't always the $$, but it was going out. We rarely went out to sit down places for dinner, unless the grandparents were footing the bill (and giving us a $5 for a good report card that YEAR or something.)
We like to go the non-monetary route as well. We also tell them how excited and proud we are of them and all the hard work and effort they put into whatever the activity is (school, sports etc.) We give our kids a few reasonable restaurant options, and maybe we'll order dessert or get chocolate milk. (which we rarely do). We've even just made milkshakes at home with insane ingredients after a good report card.
The more I write, the more it feels like a team building exercise at work? "Hey you all did a great job on this project, let's go grab some beers and relax after all that hard work."
I have two brothers. We were never rewarded for grades. They were expected. The 'Did you try your hardest?' question was enough to motivate us to do better in the future. My middle brothers kids are the same way. We thrive when we get a pat on the head and a 'good job'. I don't know what my parents did. I don't think that I would find a monetary reward system had I had children. I think I would have tried to find something else maybe a favorite dinner or a special toy - like shopkins. I don't know, I may just be talking out of my butt and totally would have given into the money for grades. LOL
We always got a special treat the night of - out for ice cream, etc. We were also rewarded for working hard, not just for the sheer number of A's, which were also expected in both my sister's and my cases. Though my neighbor friends got $20 for every A, and I would wistfully think of all the money I would've gotten had I lived in their house every time a report card came out. God, $20 per A in the 80's. That's crazy, in hindsight.
you know i have no kids, but i was one. the youngest, with five older step siblings. none of us were rewarded for good grades. they were expected. working hard at school was expected. if we failed to work hard, we failed to get a good grade and we were grounded (no tv, no phone, no friends over, no going outside). i noticed friends getting paid for grades and asked my parents for the same. they laughed. said kids go to school to learn so that they can grow up to be productive members of society and they would be damned if they would raise a kid who wouldn't work hard enough to excel at school. i heard many a lecture about the money they paid in taxes so that i could receive an education so therefore they were not paying me money to take advantage of that learning they spent their hard earned money on.
basically i am saying i wouldn't pay her for each a.
also, as an overweight person, i really am against the idea of food as a reward, whether it is candy or a restaurant. i am sure that is my issue, but food as reward can be a dangerous slope.
since she does better than average, and you feel compelled to offer some reward other than living in your home, perhaps allow her to have a special sleepover party (not one as fabulous as her birthday, but just a friend or two spending the night) or special trip to her choice of location (give choices for destinations where you have memberships and allow her to pick the destination). i agree that hearing how proud parents are is a tremendous reward for most kids. knowing that the special trip or sleepover is because the parents are so proud would be fantastic.
so endeth the ramblings of a woman with no kids.
:)
We don't reward for grades, though we go to dinner when report cards come home. I didn't get anything for grades (A's were expected of me as well). BB recently brought home his first paper with a not great grade and I knew why it happened. I chose my words carefully to make sure he understood that mistakes are allowed but that he could have done better if he worked on his organizational skills a bit. I want to approach this differently than how I was raised. I think I'm doing okay...
This is a tough question at our house and currently no one gets rewarded for good grades because we "don't care what grade they get as long as they are trying their hardest". It's in quotes because I know it isn't true but we hope they don't. We are a blended family. My husband's 2 kids are gifted and near gifted. My son is pretty smart but not gifted. And my daughter is below average with learning disabilities. So it's hard. I don't want to reward my daughter just because it is harder for her because, like you, it seems unfair to the other kids. And really, at the end of the day, I don't care if she has an A. That doesn't matter to me. I realize that not everyone can be an A student. Without the C kids, there is no prestige to having an A. shrugs
As a kid I got good grades and liked to be rewarded but wouldn't expect to be rewarded for every test. My parents rewarded me every report card, which was 3 times in a school year. They would say "you've been studying hard and getting good grades, what would you like to do to celebrate your achievement?" And I'd ALWAYS choose going out to eat.
The Howler's only motivation is showing her the money. The Toad refused all attempts to motivate him. I got nothin'
I never got paid for grades but at the end of the school year I'd often get a present. It wasn't necessarily for grades and passing but it kind of was. It kind of said "Hey! You made it another year and you did well. Good job!" It generally wasn't anything expensive and usually a combination of a want and a need (usually more want than need but the argument was made for needing it).
Juliana has never been paid for her grades and the A's are expected. She mentioned once that her friends have been paid for good grades and we talked about some of her privileges and explained that there are a lot of things that is able to do because she is a good student and a responsible child. Her sleepover during Christmas break was one such reward, concerts, one-on-one special outings with just one parent, etc. She hasn't brought up the subject of money since that conversation.
Alexis is such a smart and caring individual. She is a fantastic big sister, she cares about her grades. I think for all that this little girl has done in her years she deserves a special day after a great report card. Maybe taking her to a place she really wants to go, or a new movie, or just a day with her mommie or her daddy. I think a one on one makes a child feel really appreciated and loved. If anyone deserved it this beautiful girl does. she works so hard at doing her very best not just on her grades but in so many other ways!!!! You have a special little girl and you have done an amazing job with her. Congrats to you too.
Its $1 per A in only core subjects (music, gym, etc. do not count). It's double if there are straight A's. But take into consideration that Boy Child has an IEP and behavioral issues - so that plays a part of the reward system. Also, A's are expected in this house too. Boy Child got his first B this report card. He was soooo ticked off. He didn't want the money since it wasn't doubled - no accomplishment he said.