Day One Hundred Fifteen
Twenty or so years from now, a whoooooole lot of today's kids are going to be PISSED and rightfully so. Once they are parents themselves, they're going to look back at this whole thing and wonder WHY THE HELL ARE SO MANY OF Y'ALL PUTTING RESPONSIBILITY FOR MAKING HEALTH AND SAFETY ISSUES ON YOUR KIDS?
I'm serious, y'all.
Let me give you an example. There are several running threads of people asking questions about what we're going to do with school cheer this year. For the high schoolers, it's already a done deal. We've already been required to pay a hell of a lot of money for a season that isn't going to happen because heaven forbid the kids stand on the sidelines at a football game in anything other than matching ($$$) track suits. I threw $500 to the wind a month ago and with every passing day, it becomes closer to certainty that it was money wasted.
Little kid cheer, though. That's a whole other drama. For the record, Mila will not be participating this year. She wants to, I said no, she's cool with my decision. It was actually a very easy conversation, but then again I routinely dose my kids with, "That's my decision and you're going to have to be okay with it." Am I in the minority? Because I'm seeing a heeeelllll of a lot of parents who are posting, "So ... what are we doing with cheer this year?" on social media and most of the responses are something like, "Clara really wants to do it so I signed her up."
WTAF IS THAT NONSENSE? Why are you delegating YOUR job as a parent to an 8-year old? Clara probably wants to glue wings to a llama and fly it to Glitterland as well, but are we giving her that choice?
Now is exactly the time when you have to be willing to tell your kids they can't always get what they want.
I get it, of course. It sucks to be a parent right now. Not a single one of us signed up for this whole thing and we absolutely get to spend the rest of our lives knowing we parented at the hardest time to parent in generations. Our parents may have walked uphill both ways in the snow as kids, but we had to make decisions in the time of COVID-19. THIS CRAP IS HARD, Y'ALL. I say that as someone who spends a lot of her professional life mitigating risk and shooting through narrow doorways of opportunity. I can read scientific documents better than average and have access to crazy amounts of COVID-19 data because of what I do for a living. Still, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. Every decision feels like the weight of 80900 elephants and I can only imagine how much harder that has to be for people who don't make big decisions every day. It's confusing and it's hard and it's not going to get better anytime soon.
That doesn't mean you get to turn to your kid and say, "Well, what do you want to do?" What do you think is going to happen when it all goes bad? Are you going to mourn the loved one who died while looking at Clara and saying, "If only you hadn't gone to cheer ...?" I'm really serious. It is completely unfair of you to put any of the weight of this situation on kids.
They've already had a piece of their childhood stolen. Even if you live in an area where the number of cases is low, things are different. I honestly think the kids are all going to be okay, in part because what's been taken from them is unknown to them and because they will adapt, but don't take more by putting decisions in their hands.
Just stop.
And don't use "Well, my kids really want to ..." as your excuse for why you're doing something that you know very well may not be safe. It's not fair. It's not right. It's time to put on your grown-up pants and make decisions.
We can all agree that it sucks making those decisions, but here we are. We're all in it together.
Monday, July 13, 2020
Reader Comments (7)
I have a co-worker that does this with her 12 & 14 year old daughters. They are constantly doing stuff because "the girls" want to do it, no matter if the parents can't actually afford it or if it's a good idea. They, unsurprisingly, are not great human beings and lack basic skills and independence. I can only listen to her gush about their latest trip for her daughter's bday for so long before I want to stab my ears with a fork.
You do have to say “No,” to your kids, but parents have to had to say “No” to kids more often than parents have in 100 years. And it’s a problem compounded by the number of people who constantly flout common sense publicly over the pandemic.
We cancelled all things when schools closed in March. Everything on the calendar (because we thought it would be over and gone in 4-6 weeks) but as time went on we felt safer continuing to cancel all things. In June when things were kind of okay in Pittsburgh, we went to two 1-on-1 karate classes, and we had my mom come over to our house a few times (no masks). Now-- back to cancelled. We have restricted activities so heavily that there is an understanding that no, you won't get to do what you want, probably for a long time. We remind them to be grateful that they have siblings for playmates, they have a backyard with a playground, they have a house with temperature control and lots of electronics, and they have toys and games and art supplies galore. To help them see past this time, we keep a running list of places to visit "when Coronavirus is over" which is really when there's a vaccine.
It has been hard. Particularly since friends and family have not been canceling things so my 7 y/o doesn't understand why he can't get a haircut, play soccer, or have playdates. We haven't seen the kids on our street (they're half way down the hill where we can't see anyway) since March but that's normal because hardly anyone ever comes outside on our street. We saw some of them had gotten together on the next street over to slip'n slide when we drove past and he wanted to go too. He sees people at the outdoor pool at the YMCA and posts and comments about vacations. And apparently my niece's dance recital wasn't canceled as I saw photos afterward (hadn't heard anything since March or before). But he understands on some level as we drove past a restaurant in the same plaza as the veterinarian yesterday and there was at least 6 tables maybe 4 feet apart full of people outside and he said they were being stupid. At least there's video games and video chat through Messenger Kids.
My heart aches for parents who are strong enough to say no. Saying no isn't easy, but wow, it is necessary to raise great humans.
Thanks for being a parent and not just a friend to your kids.
XO
Okay miss perfect mom. I don't think the question is "how do I let my kid make the decision", it's "can I get feedback bc this is a new situation and I am lost/looking for support!" Seriously. I am so glad you are amazing and all knowing. Good for you.
Okay, Miss Judgey-McJudgerson Shannon (you started first) - the question in no way, shape, form, or scenario as you suggest.
It’s clear you didn’t fully digest the post or even read prior post. BurghBaby is constantly saying she is not a perfect mom or someone who is all knowing. She will tell you that she’s not. Just go through the blog archives. Re-read this post. She acknowledges that parenting during COVID-19 is difficult and hard.
She doesn’t say don’t talk with your children about the situation. But she’s 100% correct when she says that parents should not base the decision to have their child participate in things like cheer, football, group gatherings, or whatever on their children’s feelings or opinions (because honestly that’s what we’re talking about). That really is the purview of the parents. “Because I want my child to be happy/like me/not be sad because she hasn’t seen her friends and they’re doing whatever” doesn’t really fly when you’re being sued or defending your decisions in a child protective services investigation.
Decisions regarding the health and welfare of children need to be based on reasoned, factual analysis; not the emotions or feelings of the children. And they need to be made by the parents, not the child.
Maybe (and that’s a big maybe) if you’re talking about a 17 or 18 year old (and even then their capacity for reason decision-making versus emotion-based decision-making is limited), you can seek out their opinion/feelings in that scenario, but again, the ultimate decision still rests with the parents. Parents need to set the boundaries and take the emotions out of it.
When it comes to emotions related to boundaries, making decisions based on a child’s response is often unhelpful. Why? When we respond based on their reactions we:
* Give an inconsistent message about boundaries (e.g. they are wavering, and not solid boundaries).
* We teach them a tantrum can change our decisions thus encouraging more tantrums.
* We may make unhealthy choices to keep them happy (e.g. giving into requests for large amounts of candy, staying up later, more screen time, unsafe outings with friends).
* We don’t follow through with consequences, even natural ones, for breaking rules or not being responsible. This does a huge disservice to them once they enter the “real world.”
Also, if you’re looking to your children for feedback in decision-making as a parent during times of COVID-19, you’re looking in the wrong place. If you are lost, seek support and guidance from an adult you trust and respect. Don’t put that burden for rescuing you on your children - they’re even less equipped to deal with that than they are with decisions regarding health and welfare decisions during a pandemic.
And while it’s true BurghBaby may consider herself amazing, I believe fabulous is a better adjective.