Far Too Many People Have Been Hurt By Good Intentions
They say there's no such thing as a dumb question, but that's not true. There is such a thing as a dumb question.
"When are you guys going to start your family?"
"Are you going to try for a girl?"
"Are you pregnant yet?"
"Shouldn't you be working on baby number two by now?"
They're all dumb questions. Unless you know the story, it's really none of your business. You shouldn't ask.
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Many of my friends have stories that go along with why their families are the size they are. The stories are so varied and often filled with sadness and tragedy and heartache. They aren't unique, though. Their stories are the same stories that belong to many people.
And some of my friends have stories that go along with why their families are the size they are, but their stories are filled with joy and contentment and conscious decisions. They aren't unique either, as many of the stories are shared by many people.
The problem is you can't know who is walking around with unfulfilled dreams in their pocket and who is perfectly happy with their fertility situation.
And, frankly, it's none of your business.
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"When are you guys going to start your family?"
Oh, sure, it's an innocent question. A conversation starter, if you will. But, really, if you ask a woman who has fought through years of fertility treatments and heartache that question? You're a jerk.
No. Really. You're a jerk.
Just don't ask. If she wants to tell you her story, she will.
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"Are you going to try for a girl?"
Aw, that's cute how you think that because someone has two boys, she must not be satisfied with her family. Certainly she can't be satisfied until she has a girl, right?
Wrong.
It doesn't matter what the situation is, but perhaps she is happy with her family exactly as it is.
Perhaps she doesn't have a choice in the matter. Maybe thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars in fertility treatments has gotten her where she is and she's just over-the-moon happy with those cards she's been dealt.
Maybe she had a pregnancy you don't know about. Maybe she relinquished custody of a little girl long before she was ready to start a family.
You just might be shoving a dagger in her heart when you ask that question. I know you mean well, but is it really any of your business?
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"Are you pregnant yet?"
Wow. So you think it's OK to ask a woman that question? You don't think maybe she would tell you that she's pregnant if she were ready for that little bit of sharing?
What if she suffered a miscarriage just weeks ago? You can't know by looking at the woman, but you might see a glimmer of sadness pass through her eyes as you stupidly throw your words in the air.
Or maybe she desperately wants to be pregnant and has spent the past several months charting and testing and peeing on sticks and she has no idea what is wrong, but it's not working. Nothing is working. How is she supposed to respond when you ask her if she's pregnant?
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"Shouldn't you be working on baby number two by now?"
That's cute how you think that's any of your business. Maybe it took over five years of trying to get baby number one and maybe she's just incredibly grateful that she was given that gift.
Maybe pregnancy is miserable for her.
Maybe pregnancy is dangerous for her.
Maybe another pregnancy just isn't in her cards.
You don't know.
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In ten years of trying, we've been blessed with one beautiful, smart, vibrant little girl.
We think we're incredibly lucky.
Monday, January 9, 2012
Reader Comments (88)
In 11 years of trying, we have been blessed, blessed and blessed....we've also had many, many heartaches in between and after those blessings. LOVELY post girlie!
Thank you! As the mom of 1 wildly rambunctious 4 yr old boy – I get asked a lot about #2. Well, I was pregnant with #2 and I lost that sweet baby and it was a terrible, miserable experience both physically and emotionally. For the last year I have gone back and forth between wanting to try again and not wanting another so as to not have to face the possibility of going through another miscarriage. My heart breaks when I hear about others miscarrying or having fertility issues or God-forbid losing their child after birth. So thank you for this post. I plan on sharing it on my FB page so that people understand that it’s just none of their damn business.
Amen, sister.
somehow i didn't subscribe to comments...
I have been married for all of 7 1/2 months and have heard "When are you having kids" about 21473803725048290525 times. The very first time was the day after the wedding when my husband and I went to the bank to cash our wedding checks. The bank teller's response to "We just got married yesterday" was "Oh, when are you having kids?" Seriously, woman? I know that people mean well, but what they don't know is that I spent 3 years away from my husband (1400 miles away, to be exact) when we were dating and I'm making up for that now by spending as much time as I can making memories to fill those three years of nothingness. I don't care that I'm 27 and all of my friends are on their 2nd child. Babies can wait. I've taken to telling people "Hopefully not tonight" when they ask when we plan on trying for kids.
When I was about 21 or 22 (and immature), I made the mistake of asking a cousin I was not very close with and who had been married for years, if/when she was going to have a baby. Honestly, I just did not know any better. But she gave me such a verbal tongue lashing that you can bet I never asked anyone that question again. In my cousin's case, she and her husband were just not ready, but that was not the point, I realized years later.
I have an eight-year-old, and for years now people (friends, relatives, coworkers) question why we have only one. I told a friend who also has to put up with those kinds of comments that one day I was going to say something like, "I don't ask you why you are fat, so how about not asking me why I have only one kid." Sure that is rude and insensitive, but is it any less so than questions about children/pregnancy?! (I would never say it, though.)
This and your past posts on the topic have changed my ways. I could write so much here, but I think my main point is that your posts on this topic have made me realize things I never would have otherwise. And I seriously do hear your words in the back of my head whenever I think about it.
Some people can be really stupid. You know how much this subject gets to me. I've written many posts about it before too. Why anyone would EVER think it is their business to ask these questions I will never know. Drives me CRAZY.
My husband and I aren't planning to have children. We decided this for a number of reasons.
I wrote a bunch more stuff, but decided to leave it at that.
Still, I thank you for writing the post. I hate that "why aren't you going to have kids?" question.
From someone currently doing battle in the infertility trenches: Thank you for sharing your story. My coworkers seem the worst always harrassing about "when are you going to have a baby?" (don't I wish I knew! When? If?) "it's time for you to have a baby" (it's been time for a long time but that doesn't seem to matter) - I've gotten a brief reprise since I'm in grad school but I'll be graduating in May and I just know they're going to start up again. I'm dreading it. I've had the guts to respond to one person "not everyone gets to choose when they have a baby" - but there is so much depression and many tears surrounding the topic inside me that I don't know how I will respond now that we're years into this journey instead of just starting.
I have been asked those questions while I was actively miscarrying my first pregnancy. I then spent a year and a half of not being able to get pregnant, while hearing that question a lot. And now that we have a three year old girl and consider ourselves tremendously lucky, I am asked by strangers quite often when we are going to try for number two. Well, I gave birth to number two last March and he was dead. At least that is a nice conversation stopper now. And if I am asked if we are going to try for a boy (you know, we have a girl, obviously we need a boy or our lives will be pointless), I just tell them I am hoping for an alive one next time.
I say, "Do you really think what you asked is your business? Why do you presume that is ok to ask about my marital history, sex life, mental and physical issues, and medical treatments? Because that is what you are asking."
Or I'll go with one of my other conversation killers such as, "I'll tell you all about it, right after you tell me all about your ...."
well said. we ae in the throws of secondary infertility and everytime I hear "when is she going to be a big sister" I want to die inside, if only they knew.....
thanks for putting down what so many of us feel.
I think Amy wins for the best response- 'We don't like each other like that.' OMG HAAAAAA!
Why is it that we're all smart enough to know YOU DON'T ASK THESE QUESTIONS (unless you innocently, honestly have concern and care about the answer, in which case, UM, WE CAN TELL WHEN YOU'RE JUST BEING NOSY, PEOPLE.) but the rest of the world hasn't figured it out yet? I always try to make sure I give people the benefit of the doubt when we get questions (not about the first or second so much but OMG A BOY A BOY TRY FOR A BOY!) and tell myself that they just really care and wonder and aren't trying to be mean or offensive or anything. But it doesn't make it any less irritating. And I have never (thankfully) had to deal with it too much or with a background of long, heartbreaking struggles. But the stories I've heard? HOLY CRAP. People. Get a filter between your brain and your mouth, please. Geez.
I am one of those women who didn't have trouble at all getting pregnant. I had 10 pregnancies, 7 live children. That didn't stop the hurtful questions though. I was told I had endimetriosis and wouldn't be able to get pregnant. Not only was the doctor wrong but 8 of those 10 pregnancies happened using some form of birth control. I desperately wanted to space my children but it seemed that I was unusually fertile. I would get asked all the time if I had ever heard of birth control and wemen who were having a hard time getting pregnant avoided me because they were jealous. I was shunned because I had too many children and was considered to be irresponsible. Which of my children do I wish I didn't have...... NONE. I didn't want that many children or have them as close together(10 pregnancies in11 years) but that was what happened and the comments by insensitive people were just as hurtful.
I go with my default, "I can't have any more children," when people asks. A) It's true. B) It shuts them up quick. C) I don't want to discuss the other things involved in any of that line of questioning. Friends can ask, but most often, they don't have to. When I'm getting to know people, I try to give that benefit of the doubt. And I do. But there are some times... just sometimes.
Thank you for all you do, for all you are. Sorry it took me all day to comment. You made me cry real hard, woman. You are good people and I'm glad to call you a friend.
All I can say is Thank You.
My daughters' father left shortly after we gave up on having more. Kind of a complication on the complications from twins nearly a decade earlier. Having trouble having babies is heart breaking and private. And so the only good thing about now being a single mom of my amazing girls is that no one asks me these horrible questions anymore.
Oh my goodness. On the bus. In tears. And I didn't even dare read it word for word.
I could have written this except we have an amazing 7 year old boy. As an only child myself I often wish he could have a sibling but we didn't want to go thru the same pain and frustration again. Thank for a wonderful post.
This was so helpful to read and made me not feel so alone as I struggle some days more then others.
All of the people need to shut up. Not these people - the ones that ask that shit. Hell - I remember being asked AT MY WEDDING when we were going to have kids. I should have answered "in about 5 months" That would have shut them up.
It blows my mind how insensitive and/or just plain clueless people can be, even those with good intentions. I have two tweens from my first marriage. I remarried two years ago and found out (joyfully) that I was pregnant at 41. I lost the baby two months later. Rationally, I knew all about age and statistics and I thought that already having two wonderful, healthy kids would somehow make a miscarriage easier to deal with. It did not. Our loss still makes me sad at times, although I count myself blessed for what I do have. A few months later a male coworker asked me if I was pregnant because, apparently 1) he felt he should get first dibs on office gossip; and 2) I don't know...I looked it? I gave him a sarcastic response, but I wish I had told him "No, but I did eat a lot of cookies after my miscarriage." I was stunned -- and his question pales in comparison to many of the stories here.
Thanks for writing your post. You have a great little girl and I so enjoy reading about her and your stories.
We tried for six months before we were blessed with this second pregnancy, which kinda frightened me sincewe are so young I had assumed it would be easy. We were so overjoyed and folks still made comments about how close in age our kids would be and that we should slow down etc...
Thank you for voicing this! While we've never had problems with infertility, I still resented people presuming about our family size. When we had a boy and a girl, the world assumed. "I guess you're done now that you have one of each." Why? Why must we limit our family just because we have "one of each?" When we announced Pregnancy #3, even family voiced their disapproval. It was hurtful, and I was nearly 4 months along before telling even family about Pregnancy #4 because of that.
Love this post. I am blessed with two children, who were easily conceived, but still hate these questions. These questions along with "What are you having?" A Target cashier asked me that on a very bad day and my response was, "The doctor keeps telling me its a baby, but I am hoping for puppies." My poor mother, who was with me, was horrified. I
That is an incredible picture of your Blessing too.
One thing infertility has taught me is to think before I speak. I may have asked these same questions before, but now I know better.
I really don't blame anyone who asks these questions, as I know they are just making conversation. But, at the same time, I am not afraid to answer honestly with a, "I can't have babies on my own". Sometimes this is a conversation stopper, other times, unfortunately, it leads to even more naive comments. "Have you looked into adoption?", "God just isn't ready for you to have children yet", "Relax and let things happen", "Have you tried x, y or z?", "Once you adopt you will get pregnant", etc.
Now that my sister is pregnant, after 5 years of trying, I am getting the "You're next", or "It's your turn". Mostly from my mom. Thanks, mom, since I am the only one without children it is obviously "my turn". This one actually hurts the most because it means I am alone in this.
The one thing that gets me through are people like you. People willing to talk about their infertility. People saying "You are not alone." You are not alone, either. Thank you for sharing
Love this article. I have been blessed with an awesome 5 year old, and a new baby due any day now. People think nothing of asking why there is so much time between them and giving me tons of advice.
Other people ask - was your pregnancy planned? Um.... that's personal. A guy I barely know at work asked me how long it took me to get pregnant! I cannot believe some people's lack of manners.
Thank you! It's just wonderful to read this, written out so plain.
I married late (31) and by the time we were ready to try, apparently it was close to too late. I miscarried my only pregnancy at 38, at the same time a slightly older friend was busy with 4 quick, easy pregnancies. For several years, she blithely began every email with a cheery, "Soooo, are you pregnant yet??"
The sting of that cheerful thoughtlessness has finally eased up, so I'm ready to revive that old friendship again. But I wasn't so sure I wanted to for a while there...
Oh my goodness!! I could fill a book with the stupid questions people ask me. I swear I could. And every single time they annoy me. And when they ask stupid things about my kids IN FRONT of my kids I want to punch them in the mouth. What is wrong with people? I try to remember that people are just trying to have a conversation but my goodness!! There are most definitely stupid questions.
That was beautiful. I'm not a dad and not even in a relationship... but I will never ask a woman about her intentions. You've left an impression on me.
You? Rock. That is all.
You? Rock. That is all.
We have six kids. My husband had three before we married, so we have nine together. People always ask me, in front of my kids, if a) I know what causes that b) which of my kids was a mistake or c) who would I give back. I've finally taken to telling people - yes, we know how babies are made. We really enjoy sex and are pretty good at it - do you need us to show you?
Shuts 'em right smack up.
Also, people love to ask me how I can possibly afford/clothe/feed all of these kids. I then ask them, if they have less kids, what on earth are they doing with all of their money, because they must have a TON left over. I then say that it's none of their business how I spend my money, and usually, they call me a bitch under their breath and walk away.
:) LOVE this post.
I get hassled because I've been married for over five years and choose not to have kids. "Oh, you HAVE to have kids!" Um, no. I don't. I don't feel like I can give a child what he or she needs. I'm selfish, set in my ways, have no patience and am broke. Still think I should be a mom? I've found women are way more understanding about it than men.
I love my nieces and nephews...for me, they're enough. Well, them and my dogs.
I've been a jerk like that before. But, I have learned from my mistakes. (I hope)
I was only able to have one son. I was married and 20 when I had him. He is the light of our life. We just never were blessed with another. And we are fine with what we have. :-)
My DIL is currently in her third pregnancy; the first ended in miscarriage, we have one beautiful grandson and very much looking forward to another. It astounds me how many people have asked them if they are disappointed that the baby is another boy. How can anyone be disappointed???? Oh, and are they going to try again for a girl? I am still praying all will be well with this one.......... how ignorant people can be!
Very well said, there is so much heart-break in reguards to having children, yes there are some that make that choice to concieve and it happens, for others not so......brings me back to some old wise words .....think before you speak.....
I just blogged about how my heart breaks every time someone asks me if I'm going to try for a girl and then Sippy Cups Are Not For Starbucks linked me to you! This is a good reminder of how sensitive family planning is for people!
ps. Yeah, she's just so cute!!!